Jokes of the day for Sunday, 01 March 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 01 March 2020 |
Jane Austen was a fan of onlin
Jane Austen was a fan of online enumeration. Just look at her book, Census and Sensible-IT.A policeman sends his wife and
A policeman sends his wife and kid to a resort for a vacation. After a week he joined them in the hotel. As soon as he came to the hotel room he wanted to make love to his wife and gave her "the look".Whispering under her breath, the wife says, "No darling, we can't do it here, our kid is watching!"
Husband replies, "You're right, lets go to the beach."
After a while they make their way to the beach, they start to make love on an empty beach. All of a sudden, a policeman walks up to them. "Put your cloths on immediately, shame on you, you can't do that in public!"
Embarrassed, the husband admits, "You are right, but I had a moment of weakness. We hadn't seen each other for an entire week. Now, I'm a policeman too, and it would be very embarrassing if you fine me."
The cop thought for a second and said, "Don't worry... you are a colleague and it is your first time. But this is the third time I caught this b**** making love on this beach in the last week and she will have to pay."
A Collection Of Insults
A brief synopsis... When you're at a loss for words but want to tell someone that he or she is stupid, remember some these quips from our collection here at Aha! Jokes.
Fog rolled in the day he was born, and a bit of it never rolled out.
Folds ace plus red jack hand when playing blackjack.
Foreign substances float in his cranial fluids.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Found his marbles, but is playing jacks with them.
Four bits shy of a full DEC.
Four cents short of a nickel.
Full of wisdumb.
Full throttle, dry tank.
Fur coat and no knickers. (Scottish expression.)
Gasoline engine, diesel fuel.
Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming.
Gavel doesn't quite hit the bench.
Gears grind/don't always mesh.
Gets her mail at an unknown zip code.
A Bird in the Pulpit
A friend of mine told her husband they had a Catholic bird in their yard.
"A what? How do you know it's a Catholic bird?"
"Because it's a Cardinal."
On their honeymoon, the new hu
On their honeymoon, the new husband told his bride, "I have a confession tomake that I should have made before, but I was concerned that it mightaffect our relationship."What is it?" his new bride asked lovingly.
"I'm a golf fanatic," he said. "I think about golf constantly. I'll be outon the golf course every weekend, every holiday, and every chance I get.If it comes to a choice between your wishes and golf, golf will alwayswin."
His new bride pondered this for a moment and said, "I thank you for yourhonesty. Now in the same spirit of honesty, I should tell you that I'veconcealed something about my own past that you should know about. Thetruth is, "I'm a hooker."
"No problem," said her husband, "just widen your stance a little, andoverlap your grip, and that should clear it right up."
Adam and Eve...
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands.... When Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she told her mate.
"Eve, honey, you're being unreasonable," Adam responded. "You know you're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be awakened by a strange pain in the chest. It was his darling Eve poking him rather vigorously about the torso.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
Heros?
One day Bill Clinton was out jogging -- and accidentallyfell from a bridge into a very cold river.
Three boys, playing along the river, saw the accident.
Without a second thought, they jumped in the water and
dragged the wet president out of
the river.
After cleaning up he said, "Boys, you saved the President of
the United States today. You deserve a reward. You name it,
I'll give it to you."
The first boy said, "Please, I'd like a ticket to
Disneyland!"
"I'll personally hand it to you," said Mr. Clinton.
"I'd like a pair of Nike Air Turbos," the second boy said.
"I'll buy them myself and give them to you," said the
grateful defender of the Western Hemisphere.
"And I'd like a wheelchair with a stereo in it," said the
third boy.
"I'll personally ... wait a second, son, you're not
handicapped!"
"No -- but I will be when my father finds out whom I saved
from drowning."
When the porn star advertised ...
When the porn star advertised a free orgy, she was unprepared for the onslot.A Texan was taking a taxi tour
A Texan was taking a taxi tour of London and was in a hurry. As they went by the Tower of London the cab driver explained what it was and that construction of it started in 1346 and was completed in 1412.The Texan replied, "Shoot, a little old tower like that? In Houston we'd have that thing up in two weeks!"
Next they passed the House of Parliament - started in 1544 and completed in 1618.
"Well boy, we put up a bigger one than that in Dallas and it only took a year!"
As they passed Westminster Abbey the cab driver was silent.
"Whoah! What's that over there?" asked the Texan.
The driver replied, "I don't know, it wasn't there yesterday."
You see....
During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table.
The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going. The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left, and there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say....
"You see, it IS vanishing cream!"
He Didn't Suffer Long
A British man was killed by a shark while on his honeymoon in Australia.
Reports say he didn't suffer too long...
As he was only married 3 days!
Retaking exam
Four college students missed an important exam, choosing to party instead. They go together to their professor the next day, and said, "We're sorry we missed the exam. We had a flat tire on the way to class. Is there any way we could possibly take a re-test?"
"Sure," replied the professor. "Come on in tomorrow, and you can all take a retest. But remember, it's a pass or fail."
The four students arrived the next day to take the retest, and all of them sat down in their seats. Before handing them their exams, their professor told them, "I've got good news and bad news. The good part is, there's only one question on the test. The bad news is, if any of you fail, you all fail the test."
The students sat there, a bit worried from this professor's strange introduction to the exam. Then the professor handed out the four exams, and each student stared down at their papers, which contained just one simple question:
"Which tire was it?"
Rise Caesar!
A rather bookish young man goes into a whorehouse to seek entertainment. He goes up to the madam and says, "Madam, I'd like a woman for the evening." The Madam says, "Sir, I'm afraid all the girls are taken tonight, but if you'd care to, I'm available."
So the guy and the madam go into a bedroom and get undressed. As he takes off his clothes, she looks him over and she notices that, flaccid, he's only two inches long. But then the guy says, "Rise, Caesar!"
And his cock rises to a full 12 inches. So they have a great time, and after about five hours even the madam is very impressed.
"Sir," she says, "this has been one of the most pleasurable evenings of my life. I was wondering if you'd mind if I called the girls in so they could have a look at you. You're really something special, you know."
But the guy says, "No, madam, no. I have come to bury Caesar, not to praise him."