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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 11 March 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 11 March 2020

I want to askewron

I want to askew why you're not straight with me.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

“I was really enjoyin

“I was really enjoying stargazing when it started to cloud over, much to my constellation.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #52 - Funny Photo Slideshow

A man is driving down a desert

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
10 MILES
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on without second thought. Soon he sees another sign, which says:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
5 MILES
Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION
NEXT RIGHT
His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:
SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS
He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."
"Very well, my son", the nun answers. "Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and another nun in a long habit, holding a tin cup answers the door. This nun instructs, "Please place $100 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $100 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup.
He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:
GO IN PEACE.
YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY
THE SISTERS OF ST. FRANCIS.
SERVES YOU RIGHT,
YOU SINNER.
#joke
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

Russell Crowe Movie

“A cannibal once took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie?”
“Gladiator?”
“No, I really miss her.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

 Business One-liners 56


Familiarity breeds attempt.
Familiarity breeds children.
Far-away talent always seems better than home-developed talent.
Fill what is empty; empty what is full; scratch where it itches.
For every "10" there are 10 "1's".
For every action, there is a corresponding over-reaction.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite government program.
For every credibility gap there is a gullibility fill.
For every idiot proof system devised, a new, improved idiot will arise to overcome it.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 September 2017
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

A vacationer called a seaside

A vacationer called a seaside hotel to ask its location. "It's only a stone's throw from the beach," he was told.
"But how will I recognize it?" asked the man.
Came the reply: "It's the one with all the broken windows."
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 September 2017
  • Currently 7.62/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (21)

It's raining out there!

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.

'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'

'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer.

Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'

Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?'

'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

'Nope..just when it's raining.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 17 March 2017
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (25)

A Rare Book

A collector of rare books ran into an acquaintance who told him he had just thrown away an old Bible that he found in a dusty, old box. He happened to mention that Guten-somebody-or-other had printed it.
"Not Gutenberg?" Gasped the collector.
"Yes, that was it!""You idiot! You've thrown away one of the first books ever printed. A copy recently sold at an auction for half a million dollars!"
"Oh, I don't think this book would have been worth anything close to that much," replied the man. "It was scribbled all over in the margins by some guy named Martin Luther."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2009
  • Currently 4.91/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (53)

Nuns on the Highway

A cop pulls over a car full of nuns. The cop says, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why are you going so slow?”
Sister replies, “I saw a lot of signs that said 41, not 55.”
The copy says, “Sister, that’s the name of the highway, not the speed limit.”
“Silly me,” the embarrassed nun says. “Thanks for letting me know. I’ll be more careful.”
But then the copy glances in the back seat where the other nuns are quaking with fear. He asks, “Excuse me, Sister, what’s wrong with your friends?”
Sister says, “Oh, we just got off Highway 101.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 March 2010
  • Currently 6.60/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (42)

One morning the phone rang at ...

One morning the phone rang at 3:00 a.m. in Jeff's house. He picked up the phone and a woman asked, "Is this 555-1111?"
"No, this is 555-1112." Jeff replied.
"Oh, I'm so sorry for disturbing you." The woman said.
"That's alright," Jeff said. "I had to get up to answer the phone anyway."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 March 2009
  • Currently 4.76/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (34)

Mike Vecchione: Private Detective School

I went online to become a private detective. It was a private detective school online, and I paid online. But then I never heard from them again. I thought to myself, I either got ripped off or this is my first case.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 March 2012
  • Currently 6.94/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (33)

Demetri Martin: Stutter

One of my friends has a stutter, and a lot of people think thats a bad thing, but to me thats just like starting certain words with a drum roll. Thats not an impediment, thats suspense.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 11 March 2010
  • Currently 5.78/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (32)

Not Afraid

A few minutes before the church services started, the congregation was sitting in their pews and talking. Suddenly, Satan appeared at the front of the church.
Everyone started screaming and running for the back entrance, trampling each other in a frantic effort to get away from evil incarnate. Soon the church was empty except for one elderly gentleman who sat calmly in his pew without moving, seemingly oblivious to the fact that God's ultimate enemy was in his presence.
So Satan walked up to the man and said, 'Do you know who I am?'
The man replied, 'Yep, sure do.'
Aren't you afraid of me?' Satan asked.
'Nope, sure ain't.' said the man.
Don't you realize I can kill you with one word?' asked Satan.
Don't doubt it for a minute, ' returned the old man, in an even tone.
'Did you know that I can cause you profound, horrifying agony for all eternity?' persisted Satan.
Yep,' was the calm reply.
'And you're still not afraid?' asked Satan.
'Nope,' said the old man.
More than a little perturbed, Satan asked, ' Why aren't you afraid of me?'
The man calmly replied, 'Been married to your sister for 48 years.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 May 2015
  • Currently 5.83/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (12)

Two elderly residents, one mal...

Two elderly residents, one male and one female, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening.
The old man looked over and said to the old lady, "I know just what you're wanting, and for $5 I'll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair."
The old lady looked surprised but didn't say a word.
The old man continued, "For $10 I'll do it with you on that nice soft sofa over there, but for $20 I'll take you back to my room, light some candles, and give you the most romantic evening you've ever had in your life."
The old lady still says nothing but after a couple minutes, starts digging down in her purse. She pulls out a wrinkled $20 bill and holds it up.
"So you want the nice romantic evening in my room," says the old man.
"Get serious", she replies. "I want it four times in the rocking chair!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 27 February 2016
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

600 Story Hotel

Tom, Dick and Harry went to a party. After the party they returned to the hotel. The hotel was 600 stories high.
Unfortunately for them, the elevator was not working. They made a plan for the first 200 stories, Tom will crack jokes.
The second 200 stories Dick will tell a happy story and lastly Harry will tell a sad story.They then started up the steps

After 2 hours it was Harry's turn. He turned to the other two and said "Ok guys, here's my sad story. I forgot the keys downstairs.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 25 August 2014
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (7)

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