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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 12 March 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 12 March 2020

Why should you just defecate i

Why should you just defecate in your hands if you really have to go?
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.33/10

Rating: 1.3/10 (12)

The after-dinner speaker just

The after-dinner speaker just didn't have a stop button. He burbled on and on and on, oblivious to his increasingly restless audience. Finally one of the more drunken diners hurled an empty wine bottle at him. It missed, and hit the Chairman instead.
As the Chairman slid slowly to the floor clutching his head, he was heard to murmur, "Hit me again, I can still hear him."
#joke #food #dinner #drinks #wine
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

“I didn't use to car

“I didn't use to care much for most puns but over time some of them have groan on me.”

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Funny puns and jokes - the largest collection of humorous jokes on the internet. New pun added daily.
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

A man is dining in a fancy res...

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down, but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly she sneezes, and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man. He reflexively reaches out, grabs it out of the air, and hands it back.
Oh my, I am so sorry, "the woman says as she pops her eye back in place. "Let me buy your dinner to make it up to you," she says. They enjoy a wonderful dinner together, and afterwards they go to the theater followed by drinks. They talk, they laugh, she shares her deepest dreams and he shares his. She listens. After paying for everything, she asks him if he would like to come to her place for a nightcap and stay for breakfast. They had a wonderful, wonderful time.
The next morning, she cooks a gourmet meal with all the trimmings. The guy is amazed! Everything had been SO incredible! "You know, "he said, "you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet? "
"No," she replies. . . . . "
"You just happened to catch my eye."
#joke #food #breakfast #dinner #meal #drinks
Joke | Source: jokes warehouse - Animal jokes, Blonde jokes, doctor jokes, drunk jokes and jokes of the day
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

 Going To The Office


Hubby - You always carry my photo in your handbag to the office. Why?
Wife - When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Hubby - You see, how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Wife - Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

The Electricity Detective

What is the name of the first electricity detective?
Sherlock Ohms!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 March 2019
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

Complicated order

A resident in a seaside hotel breakfast room called the head waiter to his table. "I want two boiled eggs, one of them so undercooked it's runny, and the other so overcooked, it's tough and hard to eat. Also, give me some grilled bacon that has been left on the plate to get cold; burnt toast that crumbles away as soon as you touch it with a knife; butter straight from the deep freeze so that it's impossible to spread; and a pot of very weak coffee, luke-warm."

"That's a complicated order, Sir," said the bewildered waiter. "It might be quite difficult to prepare."

The guest replied, "Oh? But that's what I got yesterday!!"

#joke #food #breakfast #butter #egg #bacon #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 March 2017
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (23)

Match Made in Heaven

A young couple were driving down the road one day, happily, deliriously in love and due to be married the next day. Suddenly, a large truck swerved from the oncoming lanes into their car! BOOM! And they both died.
At the Pearly Gates, the young couple confronted St. Peter. "Sir, you have to help us! We were to be married tomorrow. Is there any way we can be married in Heaven?"
"Hmmm," replied St. Peter, "I don't recall there ever being a marriage in Heaven. Well, let's take it up with God and see what he says."
So they approached God with their plea. God sat for a moment, pondering the request. Then he looked down and said, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
Five years later, the couple approached God again, even more in love than ever and pleading that he allow their marriage. God paused for quite a while, musing over their request. Then he spoke, "Come back in five years and ask me again."
And once again, five years later, the couple was again in the presence of God, more in love than ever and begging God's permission for the third time to marry. This time God smiled broadly and thundered, "Yes my children, you may marry!"
Well, the wedding went off beautifully, the reception was huge, everyone thought the bride was simply breathtaking and the groom was soooo handsome, and everyone was happy! Until...
Two years later, the couple was back before God, and things were not looking so good. The couple had come to the realization almost immediately that although marriages were made in heaven, they didn't last very long there! And, in spite of their struggles to come to terms with the situation, they had decided there simply was no alternative but to get a divorce.
Black clouds fractured by lightening rolled across the sky, and the ground shook with explosive thunder. God glared down at the tiny couple before him, his face becoming dark and angry, and he roared, "Divorce?! Impossible!!! It took us TEN years just to find a priest in Heaven! Do you have any idea how long it will take to find a LAWYER?!!"

#joke #lawyer #wedding #bride
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 March 2009
  • Currently 6.77/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (44)

Paul Varghese: Knock Knock Joke

My friends a Jehovahs Witness. He got all pissed at me because he tried to tell me a knock knock joke and I ignored him.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 March 2012
  • Currently 6.02/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (41)

Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

#joke #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 12 March 2009
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (41)

School Collection 08


A math joke
If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
None, they were all copycats!

A history joke
What does the 1286BC incribed on the mummy's tomb indicate?
The registration of the car that ran him over!

Father: How do you like going to school?
Son: The going bit is fine, as is the coming home bit too, but I'm not too keen on the time in-between!

A history joke
Who succeeded the first President of the USA?
The second one!

A math joke
Teacher: Now class, whatever I ask, I want you to all answer at once. How much is six plus 4?
Class: At once!


Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 March 2013
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (37)

Natural talents

I have never made a fool of my mother-in-law,

I just leave her to display her natural talents herself.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 12 March 2012
  • Currently 5.15/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (27)

Hungry, Hungry Eve

After the fall, Adam was walking with his sons Cain and Abel. As they were passing the locked gates of the Garden of Eden, one of the boys asked, “What’s this?”Adam replied, “Boys, that’s where your mother ate us out of house and home.”
#joke #short #food #hungry #mother
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.88/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (17)

Well done burger joke

No matter the medium, a well done burger joke is rare

#joke #short #food #burger
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 10 January 2015
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (2)

Oak

A young woman asks her mother, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"
The mother, surprised, answers, "Well, daughter, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, a man's penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."
"A Christmas tree?" the young woman asks.
"Yes, dried up and the balls are there for decoration only."

#joke #christmas #mother #mom
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 August 2013
  • Currently 5.89/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (9)

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