Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 July 2020
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 05 July 2020 |
Things heard at a proctolog
Things heard at a proctologist's office..."Take it easy, Doc -- you're boldly going where no man has gone before."
"Find Amelia Earhart yet?"
"Can you hear me NOW?"
"Could you write me a note for my wife, saying that my head is not, in fact, up there?"
"You know, in some states, we're now legally married."
"Any sign of the trapped miners, Chief?"
"You put your left hand in, you take your left hand out. You do theHokey Pokey...
"Hey! Now I know how a Muppet feels!"
"If your hand doesn't fit, you must acquit!"
"Hey, Doc, let me know if you find my dignity."
"Remind me never to become an altar boy."
"You used to be an executive at Enron, didn't you?"
"Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?!!"
"Deflector shields: Down!"
"How long have you been in politics?"
An elderly couple had dinner a
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and aftereating,the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we wentout to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommendit very highly.'The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What is thename of that flower you give to someone you love?You know... The one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards thekitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant wewent to last night?
Knock Knock Collection 155
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ron!
Ron who?
Ron dinnertime, give me a call!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rona!
Rona who?
Rona the mill!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rosa!
Rosa who?
Rosa corn grow in a field!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rosina!
Rosina who?
Rosina vase!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Roxanne!
Roxanne who?
Roxanne your head or something!
Annual physical...
One day, after a man had his annual physical, the doctor came out and said, "You had a great checkup. Is there anything that you'd like to talk about or ask me?"
"Well," he said, "I was thinking about getting a vasectomy."
"That's a pretty big decision. Have you talked it over with your family?"
"Yeah, and they're in favor 15 to 2."
I ate lots of beans. Now IR
I ate lots of beans. Now I'm like the Beach Boys, feeling the gut fibrations.Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman
One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned. Birth control pills
An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."
Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"
The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."
The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"
The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."
Chuck Norris has to use a stun...
Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.A secretary walked into her bo...
A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you.""Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
Answering Machine Message 208
(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!
Teen
There was a Roman emperor who never aged after he turned 19.
At the age of 65 my Grandma started walking 10 kilometers a day.
She’s 92 now and we have no idea where she is.
Guess Who Knows The State Capitals?
A dumb blonde was bragging about her knowledge of the state capitals of the United States. She proudly announced, "go ahead, ask me any of the capitals, I know all of them." A red head said, "O.K., what's the capital of Wyoming?" The blonde replied, "Oh, that's easy, 'W'."