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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 28 July 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 28 July 2020

The new soda clerk was a myste

The new soda clerk was a mystery, until he himself revealed his shameful past quite unconsciously by the question he put to the girl who had just asked for an egg-shake.
"Light or dark?" he asked mechanically.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 1.44/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (9)

“Crows complain infre

“Crows complain infrequently, and usually with just caws.”

#joke #short
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #85 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Two Women Archaeologists

Two women archaeologists are down in Mexico excavating an ancient Mayan burial ground looking for some remains to take back to their museum.
Unfortunately, everything they run across is badly decomposed. One of the two says, "We don't seem to be having much luck."
The other replies, "Keep on digging, honey, a good Mayan is hard to find!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 28 July 2019
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

Mystery...???

A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too farfrom the stage. He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter. Yep. 25 cents.

The usher looks at the quarter in his hand, leans over and whispers, "The wife did it."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 10 August 2017
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (22)

 The Snowman

What did one snowman say to the other snowman?
Freeze
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 March 2017
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

What's your Stan

What's your Stans on Central Asia?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 17 November 2015
  • Currently 2.18/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (11)

Church Cake!

Have you ever told a white lie? You are going to love this — especially all the ladies who bake for church events

Alice was to bake a cake for the church ladies' group bake sale, but she forgot to do it until the last minute.

She baked an angel food cake and when she took it from the oven, the center had dropped flat.

She said, “Oh dear, there's no time to bake another cake.”

So, she looked around the house for something to build up the center of the cake.

Alice found it in the bathroom … a roll of toilet paper.

She plunked it in and covered it with icing.

The finished product looked beautiful, so she rushed it to the church. Before she left the house, Alice had given her daughter some money and specific instructions to be at the bake sale the minute it opened, and to buy that cake and bring it home.

When the daughter arrived at the sale, the attractive cake had already been sold.

Alice was beside herself.

The next day, Alice was invited to a friend's home where two tables of bridge were to be played that afternoon.

After the game, a fancy lunch was served, and to top it off, the cake in question was presented for dessert.

Alice saw the cake, she started to get out of her chair to rush into the kitchen to tell her hostess all about it, but before she could get to her feet, one of the other ladies said, “What a beautiful cake!”

Alice sat back in her chair when she heard the hostess (who was a prominent church member) say,

“Thank you, I baked it myself.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 July 2011
  • Currently 5.67/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (45)

Answering Machine Message 97


"Camptown Races":
I can't come to the telephone; doo-dah, doo-dah.
Leave your message when you hear the tone; oh, de doo-dah day.
Might be gone all night... Might be gone all day...
So leave a message when you hear the tone.
I'll call you back someday...

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 July 2011
  • Currently 2.62/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (42)

How good was I?

A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity.

They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys.

There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed.

Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks, "So, how was I?"

She says, "Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 28 July 2011
  • Currently 4.51/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (37)

New Secretary

The real estate boss got a hot new secretary. Afraid of sexual harrassment issues he held himself off for a week, but finally overcome with lust, he decided to put some moves on her. But within a few weeks, he is feeling displeased at the way she is working, not caring, coming to work late, and so on. So, he pulls her aside, and has a little talk with her. "Listen, baby, we may have gone to bed together a few times, but who said you could start coming in late and slacking off?" Looking him in the eyes, she replied, "My lawyer!"
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 28 July 2010
  • Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (34)

Bumper Stickers in Heaven

Honk if you ARE Jesus
Ask Me About My Previous Lives
I Brake For Celestial Choirs
I Died and Went To Heaven and All I Got Was This Lousy Halo

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 28 July 2012
  • Currently 3.13/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (23)

She doesn’t trust easily

She doesn’t trust easily- you can see that in the distance creates between herself and around her, but she has much love to offer, and you can see it in the kindness that’s in the smiles she gives out to everyone around her. She has millions of chaotic galaxies of thoughts, thousands of tangled up worlds of words and places in her mind, and you can see it in the way her eyes always seem lost, like they are somewhere else. She always wants to be somewhere else, it shows in the way she’s always rushing and moving, the way she’s always restless. Life never went easy on her, and she didn’t go easy on herself either. She is strong and you can see it in her eyes, you can sense it in her voice. She believes that her body can physically rebuild and heal itself. I think that’s because she knew how to recover by herself after life had broken her. She knows how it’s like to be under-appreciated. So if you can’t see the beauty in her quirks, if you don’t think that maybe she might be a little piece of magic, don’t you dare and say that she is just a girl; because she’s a . ~ Author Unknown
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 07 March 2016
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

Diagnostic Machine

A man without medicare or medical insurance injured himself playing tennis and couldn't afford to go to the doctor. A friend of his told him there was a wonderful new diagnostic machine at the drugstore and suggested he try it out.

So the man went down to the drugstore and poured the required urine sample into the machine. The machine whirred and hummed for fifteen seconds and spit out a piece of paper. The piece of paper said: You have tennis elbow. Here's how to treat it...

The man treated his tennis elbow according to the directions and it improved immediately. He was very impressed with the diagnostic machine but decided he was going to find out just how good it was, and if it could be fooled.

So he gathered and mixed together his own urine sample, his wife's, and some of his dog's feces. Then for good measure he masturbated into the cup.

He took this mixture down to the drugstore and poured it into the machine. The machine then whirred and hummed for five minutes. Just when he was thinking he'd broken it, out came the diagnosis.

It said:

Your dog has worms.

Your wife is pregnant, but don't worry, it's not yours.

And if you don't quit jerking off, you're never going to get rid of that tennis elbow.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 March 2015
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

'Cash, check or charge?' I a...

'Cash, check or charge?' I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase.
As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
'So, do you always carry your TV remote?' I asked.
'No,' she replied, 'but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally..'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 11 January 2017
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

What Iran needs now

What Iran needs now is a more modern leader – a mullah lite.

Shappi Khorsandi (June 8 1973-)

Picture: JAY WILLIAMS FOR THE TELEGRAPH

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 March 2015
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

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