Jokes of the day for Saturday, 29 August 2020

My friend has a crush on a gir

My friend has a crush on a girl named Ruth. I told him, “You want that Ruth? You can't handle that Ruth.”

So Old

I am so old...
When walking into a bar they checked my pulse instead of my ID!

A survey was conducted by aski

A survey was conducted by asking women of what they thought of their ass.
85% of women said that they thought that their ass was too big.
10% of women said that they thought that their ass was too small.
5% of women said that they would marry him again.

Three women were returning to

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants.
She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."

 The Cesium Song 10

Cesium (All through the Night)
(Tune, Fever)
(1)
Never know how much I need you,
Never know how much I'd dare,
When I mix you up with water,
I get a heat that's hard to bear.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin' brightly,
Cesium to give me light.
Cesium --
In the morning,
Cesium all through the night.
(2)
Sun lights up the daytime.
Moon lights up the night.
Cesium lights up heaven above,
With a brilliant sky-blue light.
I need my Cesium!
Burnin' hotly.
Cesium shinin' so bright.
Cesium --
In the morning,
Cesium to make me feel right.
(Coda)
Everybody,
Needs some Cesium,
Cesium to give 'em that glow.
Cesium --
Add some water,
Get a fire hot as down below!
(3)
Romeo, he had Cesium,
Cool water Juliette.
When they mixed it up together,
Things got as hot as they can get!
They needed Cesium!
Flamin' madly.
Cesium burnin' so blue.
Cesium --
Shared between them.
Cesium to make their love true.
(4)
Come to the end of my story.
Got to the point that I made.
Cesium's the stuff to heat you up,
And you ain't gonna find no shade!
You'll need cesium!
As you sizzle.
Cesium some comfort to earn.
Cesium --
It's almighty.
What a lovely way to burn!
--- Songs of Cesium #96

Top Signs You're Bored at Work

You've already read the entire Dilbert page-a-day calendar for 2000.

You discover that staring at your cubicle wall long enough produces images of Elvis.

You've figured out a way to get Gilligan off the island.

You decide to see how many Mountain Dews you can drink before the inevitable explosion occurs.

People come into your office only to borrow pencils from your ceiling.

No longer content with merely photocopying your butt, you now scan and enhance it with Photoshop.

You now require only a single can of cola to belch the names of all seven Dwarfs.

The 4th Division of Paperclips has overrun the Pushpin Infantry, and General White-Out has called for reinforcements.

The Gift

On the first day of school, the children brought gifts for their teacher. The florist's son brought the teacher a bouquet of flowers. The candy-store owner's daughter gave the teacher a pretty box of candy. Then the liquor-store owner's son brought up a big, heavy box. The teacher lifted it up and noticed that it was leaking a little bit. She touched a drop of the liquid with her finger and tasted it.
"Is it wine?" she guessed.
"No," the boy replied. She tasted another drop and asked, " Champagne ?
"No," said the little boy... "It's a puppy!"

Put it back

What do you do in case of fallout?

Put it back in and take shorter strokes.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

Begin by standing on a comfort...

Begin by standing on a comfortable surface, where you have plenty of room at each side. With a 5-lb potato sack in each hand, extend your arms straight out from your sides and hold them there as long as you can. Try to reach a full minute, and then relax. Each day you'll find that you can hold this position for just a bit longer.
After a couple of weeks, move up to 10-lb potato sacks. Then try 50-lbpotato sacks and then eventually try to get to where you can lift a 100-lbpotato sack in each hand and hold your arms straight for more than a full minute. (I'm at this level.)
After you feel confident at that level, put a potato in each of the sacks.

Emily Heller: Using Feminism

I have found some ways to use feminism to my own advantage -- mostly to remain lazy and disgusting.

Kathleen Madigan: Figure Skating

I always wanted to be a figure skater as a kid, too, that was like my fantasy dream. But whenever I watch it, I think I would have totally done it alone. I dont know how these people have enough control over the tempers to be working with a partner. Because if I worked with some guy for 15 years, and we got to the Olympics, and out of nowhere he just fell -- oh, Id skate around just to chop off his fingers. I would, and I would not feel bad about that -- ever. Now when youre nubbing your cereal spoon in the morning, you can look at that box and remember why were not on it.

Donnell Rawlings: Friends With Cool Jobs

Comedys a tough job, man. Ive got friends who got cool jobs. One of my friends, hes a porno star. Guess how he got discovered? This girl sat on his lap, and she was like, Ooh, you should do porno! Same girl sat on my lap and was like, Ooh, you should tell jokes!

Why does Ariel wear seashells ... and few more new jokes

Daughter: "dad, why does Ariel wear seashells"
Dad: "because b-shells are too small and d-shells are too big"

A police officer just knocked on my door and told me that my dogs are chasing people on bikes.
That's ridiculous, because my dogs don't even own bikes.

In the past, your last name often reflected your profession.
Tailors - taylor, Blacksmith - Smith, ect.
So what the heck was a Dickinson?

Wife asked, "Can you get some bleach, washing powder and some shake and vac while you're out?"
"Can you not wait until you’ve opened your Birthday presents tomorrow?"

Had a look on a dating site. Possible match, similar interests, described herself as 5 ft 3 blue eyes, blonde hair…
Not sure I want to date someone with 3 blue eyes though!

I hate when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything.

I have opinions...

"I have opinions of my own --strong opinions-- but I don't always agree with them."
- George Bush, former U.S. President
"It is white."
- George W. Bush, when asked what the White house was like by a student in East London
"If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by candlelight."
- George Gobel
"Solutions are not the answer."
- Richard Nixon, former U.S. President
"Hi I'm Dean White, Dick, of the college."
- Richard (Dick) White, Duke University academic Dean introducing himself at a faculty dinner
"Politics gives guys so much power that they tend to behave badly around women. And I hope I never get into that."
- Bill Clinton, former U.S. president
"You guys line up alphabetically by height."
- Bill Peterson, Florida State football coach
"The internet is a great way to get on the net."
- Bob Dole, Republican presidential candidate
"I would say that anything that is indecent and violent in TV is a crime against humanity and they should shoot the head man responsible."
- Ted Turner, Media Mogul

Favourite cuisines

A prison inmate’s favourite cuisine is Cajun.

A dominatrix’s favourite cuisine: Thai.

A bridgesbuilder’s favourite: Spanish.

Race car driver’s favourite: Russian.

Track and field star’s favourite: Polish.