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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 22 September 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 22 September 2020

Thoughts To Ponder

Thoughts To Ponder
1. If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
2. Why are the little styrofoam pieces called peanuts?
3. Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.
4. Why does caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
5.Can a short person "talk down" to a taller person?
6. If a bald person works as a chef at a restaurant, do they have to wear a hairnet?
7. Do prison buses have emergency exits?
8. Do astronauts change their clocks when they move over different time zones in space?
9. When lightning strikes the ocean why don't all the fish die?
10. If a guy that was about to die in the electric chair had a heart attack should they save him?
11. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
12. If a nursing mother had her nipples pierced would the milk come out of all three holes?
13. If a stripper gets breast implants can she write it off on her taxes as a business expense?
14. Why do we sing "Rock a bye baby" to lull a baby to sleep when the song is about putting your baby in a tree and letting the wind crash the cradle on the ground?
15. If parents say, "Never take candy from strangers" then why do we celebrate Halloween?
16. Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?
17. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?
18. Can cannibals be arrested for being under the influence of alcohol (e.g. drunk-driving) if they have eaten someone who was drunk?
19. What is the stage of a reptile when it has eggs in it but they haven't been laid. Are they pregnant?
20. If Mars had earthquakes would they be called marsquakes?
#joke #
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Drape Alternative

So grateful somebody invented window blinds...
Or it would be curtains for all of us!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (13)

SLIDESHOW #49 - Funny Photo Slideshow

 Business One-liners 79


It would be nice to be sure of anything the way some people are of everything.
It's always darkest just before it goes pitch black.
It's always darkest just before the lights go out.
It's always the wrong time of the month.
It's better to have loafed and lost than never to have loafed at all.
It's better to retire too soon than too late.
It's difficult to work in a group when you're omnipotent.
It's Good Enough For Government Work.
It's hell to work for a nervous boss, especially if you are why he's nervous!

#joke
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

A bad sign...

A man was driving to work when a truck ran a stop sign, hit his car broadside, and knocked him out cold. A Passersby pulled him from the wreckage and revived him.

He began a terrific struggle and had to be tranquilized by the medics. Later, when he had calmed down, they asked him why he had struggled so.

He said, a bit sheepishly, "I remember the impact, then nothing. I woke up on a concrete slab in front of this huge, flashing sign. Turns out somebody was standing in front of the 'S' on the 'Shell' sign."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 05 October 2017
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (23)

Lindt has a new chocolate ball

Lindt has a new chocolate ball; they call them Cocoanuts.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 06 April 2016
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Watching the game

A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom.

When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.

'What are you doing?' she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he found his daughter naked on the sofa with her vibrator.

'What are you doing?' he exclaimed.

The daughter replied, 'I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband.'

A couple of days later the mother heard the humming sound again, this time in the living room. Upon entering the room, she found her husband watching television with the vibrator buzzing away beside him.

She asked, 'What are you doing?'

He replied, 'Watching the game with my son-in-law.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 September 2011
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (56)

Bowlegged

Why are cowgirls always bowlegged?

Cowboys like to eat with their hats on.

Submitted by Calamjo

Edited by Curtis

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 September 2008
  • Currently 4.77/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (48)

Family Bible

A little boy opened the big and old family Bible with fascination, looking at the old pages as he turned them. Then something fell out, and he picked it up and looked at it closely. It was an old leaf from a tree that had been pressed in between the pages.

“Momma, look what I found,” the boy called out.

“What have you got there, dear?” his mother asked.

With astonishment in the his voice, he answered, “It's Adam's Suit!”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 22 September 2012
  • Currently 4.78/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (40)

Teacher and student

Teacher: "What is the chemical formula for water?"
Student: "HIJKLMNO."
Teacher: "What are you talking about?"
Student: "Yesterday you said it's H to O!"
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 September 2014
  • Currently 7.53/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (36)

Musicians and Lightbulbs

Q: How many musicians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

A: One, two, one, two, three, four!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 September 2013
  • Currently 4.20/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (35)

Chinese takeaway

I ordered a Chinese takeaway from a local place, just been to pick it up and as I was driving home, I heard the bags rustling and moving!!

I thought what on Earth is that. Has something got in the bag? I thought I could see a little pair of eyes peering out at me.

I was driving so I leaned forward, picked up the bag, put it on the passenger seat and there it was again, more rustling and little eyes looking out from behind the prawn crackers.

I thought it’s got to be a rat or a mouse or something, so I carefully pulled the bag down ...

And there it was ...

... A Peking Duck!

Image by piyalis14 from Pixabay

Joke found on https://www.theanswerbank.co.uk/Phrases-and-Sayings/Jokes/Question1467998.html posted by Butterbun on Sun 10th Jan 2016, alternative versions exist on many other joke sites

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 September 2019
  • Currently 4.53/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (19)

Q: What do you get if you enro...

Q: What do you get if you enroll in a liberal arts program and the only subject you do well in is music?
A: A natural major.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 July 2009
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (11)

Why do cats always get their way

Today is "Respect Your Cat Day", so respect your cat!

Why do cats always get their way?
Because they're purr-suasive negotiators!

#joke #cat # #short #respectyourcatday
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

The Pastor's Wife

Gladys was the preacher's wife and accompanied her husband each Sunday to church. One particular Sunday when the sermon seemed to go on forever, many in the congregation fell asleep.
After the service, to be sociable, she walked up to a very sleepy looking gentleman. In an attempt to revive him from his stupor, she extended her hand in greeting, and said, "Hello, I'm Gladys Dunn."
To which the gentleman replied, "You're not the only one!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 27 January 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

The real reason that we can't...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 June 2015
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

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