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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 September 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 September 2020

All my friends have dangerousl

All my friends have dangerously explosive bowels. But I stand by my Crohnies nonetheless.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

The psychiatrist was interview

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You do?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
#joke #doctor #fruit #lemon
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.41/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (17)

Guess What

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

 One Liners

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What is the definition of a shame?
A busload of lawyers going off a cliff.
What is the definition of a crying shame?
An empty seat on the bus.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

Nude Tiptoer

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 October 2017
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (23)

A blonde arrived for her first...

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
#joke #blonde #sport #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 September 2017
  • Currently 7.21/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (47)

Bowling ball humor

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

#joke #animal #chicken #food #pizza
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (44)

The chemical formula for the h...

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (44)

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

#joke #drinks #coke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (39)

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

#joke #animal #fish #drinks #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 September 2009
  • Currently 7.51/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (35)

A man entered the bus with bot...

A man entered the bus with both of his front pants pockets full ofgolf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.
The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully andfinally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked."Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
#joke #blonde #sport #tennis #golf
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 April 2017
  • Currently 8.89/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (53)

A blonde approaches a stranger...

A blonde approaches a stranger and asks what time it is. The stranger says, "11:45." The blonde says, "Really? That's so weird. Every time I ask that question, I get a different answer."
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 22 March 2016
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

Smart puppy

A guy went to the cinema one day and noticed an old man with a dog in the front row. It was a sad, funny kind of film and the guy noticed that during the sad parts the dog cried his eyes out, and during the funny parts, the dog laughed its head off.

This happened throughout the film. After the film ended, the guy decided to go and speak to the old man.

"That's the most amazing thing I've seen," he said. "That dog really seemed to enjoy the film."

The old man turned to him and said: "Yeah, it is amazing. He hated the book."

#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 30 November 2014
  • Currently 7.91/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (11)

Number Jokes

A man is sent to prison for the first time. At night, the lights in the cell block are turned off, and his cellmate goes over to the bars and yells, "Number twelve!" The whole cell block breaks out laughing. A few minutes later, somebody else in the cell block yells, "Number four!" Again, the whole cell block breaks out laughing.

The new guy asks his cellmate what's going on. "Well," says the older prisoner, "we've all been in this here prison for so long, we all know the same jokes. So we just yell out the number instead of saying the whole joke."

So the new guy walks up to the bars and yells, "Number twenty-nine!" This time the whole cell block rocks with the loudest laughter, prisoners rolling on the floor laughing hysterically.

When the guffaws die down, the bewildered new guy turns to the older prisoner and asks, "How come you guys were laughing so hard this time?"

"Oh," says the older man wiping tears from his eyes, "we'd never heard that one before."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 June 2016
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

One of Life's Lessons

While preaching about forgiving ones enemies, the preacher asked for a show of hands of those who were willing to forgive their enemies. About half of the congregation raised their hands. The minister continued his lection and again asked for a show of hands. This time, 80 percent of his congregation raised their hands. Not giving up, the minister continued for fifteen more minutes. When he again asked for a show of hands, all members—except one—raised their hands.
"Mr. Jones,” asked the minster, “are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
"I don't have any.”
Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. I know you are 86-years-old. Would you please come down to the front and explain to all of us how you have lived so long without making a single enemy in the world?”
Mr. Jones teetered to the front and briefly explained, “Its easy. Ive outlived every one of them.”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 09 May 2015
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

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