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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 23 September 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 23 September 2020

All my friends have dangerousl

All my friends have dangerously explosive bowels. But I stand by my Crohnies nonetheless.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

The psychiatrist was interview

The psychiatrist was interviewing a first-time patient.
"You say you're here," he inquired, "because your family is worried about your taste in socks?"
"That's correct," muttered the patient. "I like wool socks."
"But that's perfectly normal," replied the doctor. "Many people prefer wool socks to those made from cotton or acrylic. In fact, I myself like wool socks."
"You do?" exclaimed the man. "With oil and vinegar or just a squeeze of lemon?"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.41/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (17)

SLIDESHOW #123 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Guess What

A young and foolish pilot wanted to sound cool on the aviation frequencies. This was his first time approaching a field during the nighttime.
Instead of making any official requests to the tower he said, "Guess who?"
The controller switched the field lights off and replied, "Guess where?"

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

 One Liners

How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
Cut the rope.
Do you know how to save a drowning lawyer?
No? Good!
What is the definition of a shame?
A busload of lawyers going off a cliff.
What is the definition of a crying shame?
An empty seat on the bus.
Where can you find a good lawyer?
In the cemetery.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Joke of the Day - Jokes served hot and fresh daily.
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (16)

Nude Tiptoer

A woman who plays cards one night a month with a group of friends was concerned that she always woke up her husband when she came home around 11:30.

So she decided to be considerate and not rouse him this time. She undressed in the living room and, purse over arm, tiptoed nude into the bedroom, only to find him sitting up in bed, reading.

"Oh No!" he exclaimed. "Did you lose EVERYTHING?!?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 October 2017
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (23)

A blonde arrived for her first...

A blonde arrived for her first golf lesson and the pro asked her to take a swing at a ball to see how she'd do.
The blonde did so and completely duffed the shot.
The pro said, "Your swing is good but you're gripping the club too hard grip the club gently as you would your husband's penis."
The blonde took another shot and nailed the ball 275 yards straight down the fairway.
The pro said, "That was excellent!! Let's try it again, only this time take the club out of your mouth."
#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 September 2017
  • Currently 7.21/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (47)

Bowling ball humor

I worry about the germs in the holes of bowling balls. Nobody cleans those holes. There are years of impacted pizza fingers in there. Taco fingers. Chicken fingers. I'm amazed those balls still have holes. Ever smell a bowling ball hole? You think the balls are knocking down the pins? You're wrong. The pins are passing out from the smell.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 6.11/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (44)

The chemical formula for the h...

The chemical formula for the highly toxic cyanide ion is CN-. These are also Chuck Norris' initials. This is not a coincidence.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 3.86/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (44)

Beer Machismo

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the Presidents of the brewreys decide to go to the pub for a drink. The coors President said "Can I have the only beer made with Rocky Mountain Spring Water: a Coors, please."

The bartender gave him the drink.

Then the Budweiser President orders, "The King Of Beers -- Budweiser."

The bartender proceeds with the order.

The Amstel President walks in and orders "The Finest Beer ever."

The bartender gives him an Amstel.

Then the Guinness President says, "I'll have a coke please."

The bartender is taken aback by this but gives the coke to him anyway.

All the Presidents looked over at him and said, "Why have you ordered a coke?"

He replied, "Well if you all aren't drinking beer, then neither shall I."

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 23 September 2011
  • Currently 7.10/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (39)

Zen Sarcasm

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me alone.
2 The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt or a leaky tire.
3. It's always darkest before dawn, so if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
4. Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
5. Always remember that you're unique. Just like everyone else.
6. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
7. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
8. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
9. If at first you don't succeed...Skydiving is not for you.
10. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 23 September 2009
  • Currently 7.51/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (35)

Are You Free Tonight?

A man is stunned when his hot, newly divorced neighbor knocks at his door. He answers eagerly and she asks him, "Are you free tonight?"
He blurts out, "Yes!"
She asks, "Great! Would you watch my kids?"

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 March 2020
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Cockney parrot

A guy walks into a pet shop looking for a pet, as he glanced into the back room he sees a beautiful parrot all alone in a cage so he said to the pet shop owner "is that parrot for sale?"
"Not really said the shop owner you see I’ve sold him twice before but he always gets brought back because he is so big headed".
The guy said "no problem I like a challenge so I’ll take him".

When he get home with the parrot he takes the cover off the cage and immediately the parrot says "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", he keeps repeating it all afternoon.
So, the guy thinks i'll cure him and he goes back to the pet shop and buys a kestrel, takes it home and the parrot immediately says
"I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k", so the guy pops the kestrel in the cage and nothing happens.
Next morning when he goes downstairs the Kestrel is dead at the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".

Right said the guy I will cure you this time so he gets a Peregrine from the pet shop and again pops it in the cage with the parrot thinking this will sort him out!
Still nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs the Peregrine is dead on the bottom of the cage and not a feather ruffled on the parrot.
"Told you" said the parrot, "I’m a cockney parrot and I’m hard as fü@k".

The guy is really annoyed now so again visits the pet shop and gets a Golden Eagle thinking there is no way the parrot is going to do this bird. Again he pops the Eagle into the cage with the parrot and again nothing happens.
Next morning when he comes downstairs he sees the Eagle dead at the bottom of the cage and the parrot without a single feather on his body.
"What happened here", said the guy?
"I had to take my coat off for that b@st@rd".

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 3.00/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (11)

Donald Glover: Gold Star Power

When you get called the n-word, as a black person you can do anything. Its like getting a gold star in Super Mario Brothers and junk. I hear the music when I hear the n-word. I get right into it; I get really into it. You can do anything. You could be in a fancy restaurant -- just start throwing poop at the walls. People be like, What are you doing? Someone called him the n-word.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 November 2010
  • Currently 2.17/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (41)

I hit a frog, and my car was...

I hit a frog, and my car was toadaled.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 June 2017
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (14)

Six Feet

Marge was in bed with a man (not her husband). All of a sudden, they heard a noise downstairs. "Oh, my God, your husband is home! What am I going to do?"
"Just stay in bed with me. He's probably so drunk, he ain't gonna notice you here with me." The fear of getting caught trying to escape was more powerful than the thought of getting caught in bed with Marge, so he trusted her advice. Sure enough, Marge's husband came crawling into bed and as he pulled the covers over him, he pulled the blankets, exposing six feet.
"Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
Honey!" he yelled. "What the hell is going on? I see six feet at the end of the bed!"
"Dear, you're so drunk, you can't count. If you don't believe me, count them again."
The husband got out of bed, and counted. "One, two, three, four... By gosh, you're right, dear!"    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 July 2015
  • Currently 2.30/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (10)

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