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Jokes of the day for Friday, 09 October 2020

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 09 October 2020

A nun is sitting with her Moth

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior, chatting.
"I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."
"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.
"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that's hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."
"Is that when you swore?"
"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.
"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"
"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.
"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."
"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about a foot from the hole."
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the putt, didn't you?"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

Ruined My Day

"My Friday is ruined!"
"Why, what happened?"
"I realized today is Tuesday."

#joke #short #friday
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (33)

SLIDESHOW #125 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Somebody punctuated me

Somebody punctuated me in the face, and I ended up in a comma.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 January 2016
  • Currently 4.67/10

Rating: 4.7/10 (6)

Apple pie....

Little Johnny and his family lived in the country, and as a result seldom had guests. He was eager to help his mother after his father appeared with two dinner guests from the office.

When the dinner was nearly over, Little Johnny went to the kitchen and proudly carried in the first piece of apple pie, giving it to his father who passed it to a guest.

Little Johnny came in with a second piece of pie and gave it to his father, who again gave it to a guest.

This was too much for Little Johnny, who said, "It's no use, Dad. The pieces are all the same size."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 28 October 2014
  • Currently 8.12/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (17)

Ways To Get Rid Of Telemarketers

An old one, but a good one…

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for Bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.

2. If they start out with, “How are you today?” say, “Why do you want to know?” Or you can say, “I'm so glad you asked, because no one seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died…” When they get try to get back to the sell, just continue your problems.

3. If they say they're Joe Doe from the XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name, then ask them to spell the company name, then ask them where it located. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.

4. This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: “Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with Canter and Siegel services…. You: “Hang on a second.” (few seconds pause) “Okay, (in a really husky voice) what are you wearing?”

5. Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise, “Judy!! Is this really you? Oh, my gosh! Judy, how have you BEEN?” Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where the hell she could know you from.

6. Say, “No”, over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.

7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and Friends plan, reply, in a sinister a voice as you can muster, “I don't have any friends…would you be my friend?”

8. If they clean rugs: “Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how about goat blood or HUMAN blood.

9. Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but necessary feedback in the form of an occasional “Uh- huh, really, or “That's fascinating.” Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't give your credit card number to someone that's a complete stranger.

10. Tell them you work for the same company they work for. Example: Telemarketer: “This is Bill from Watertronics.” You: “Watertronics!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you calling from?” Telemarketer: “Uh, Dallas, Texas.” You: “Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to employees! Oh well, see ya.”

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a telemarketer, set the receiver down, shout or scream, “Oh, my goodness!!!” and then hang up.

12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not allow to give out their number, then ask them for their home number and tell them you will call them at home. (This is usually the most effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers)

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 09 October 2011
  • Currently 5.39/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (44)

Blonde

How do you make a blonde a brunette? Turn her upside down

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 09 October 2008
  • Currently 5.15/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (33)

Visit to the museum

Visiting the modern art museum, a lady turned to an attendant standing nearby.

"This," she said, "I suppose, is one of those hideous representations you call modern art?"

"No, Madam," replied the attendant. "That one's called a mirror."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 October 2017
  • Currently 8.10/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (31)

Cowboy in Church

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd still feed him."So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 18 April 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Daniel Tosh: Not Music Television

The worst television is MTV. 'Music Television' -- they call it that, they don't even play music. How's that legal? What if everybody did that? 'Hey, thanks for calling New York Pizza.' 'Yeah, give me two large pepperoni pizzas.' 'Oh, we don't sell pizza.' 'What?' 'No, we just have raccoon hats and eye patches. Call a book store if you're hungry.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 February 2017
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

April Fool's Day - Suggestion

Stick googly eyes on the food in your refrigerator.
#joke #short #aprilfoolsday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 24 March 2015
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (30)

Saving Life

A college physics professor was explaining a particularly complicated concept to his class when a pre-med student interrupted him.
"Why do we have to learn this stuff?" The young man blurted out.
"To save lives," the professor responded before continuing the lecture.
A few minutes later the student spoke up again. "So how does physics save lives?"
The professor stared at the student for a long time. "Physics saves lives," he said, "because it keeps the idiots out of medical school."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 25 March 2014
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (9)

I Get So Drunk That I Imagine Things

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"
"A mongoose."
"What for?"
"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."
"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."
"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 November 2016
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

I don’t work on monday

I don’t work on monday’s, i make appearances
#joke #short #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 December 2014
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Saint George and the Dragon

April 23rd is St. George’s Day, named after St. George, the patron saint of England.

A weary traveler in 18th century England, hungry and tired, approached a roadside inn with a sign that read: "Saint George and the Dragon."

He knocked on the door. The innkeeper's wife poked her head out of a window.

"Any chance for a bite to eat?" he inquired.

The woman eyed his ragged, filthy clothes and yelled, "No!"

"May I have a pint of ale?"

"No!" she yelled back.

"Can I at least rest in your stable?"

"No!" she yelled once more.

The traveler tried again, "Could I kindly...?"

"What is it now?" the woman snapped, cutting him off.

"Would it be possible," he asked, "to have a chat with George?"

#joke # #StGeorgesDay
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 4.25/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (4)

No worries

Fresh out of business school, the young man answered a want ad for an accountant. Now, he was being interviewed by a very nervous man who ran a small business that he had started himself.

"I need someone with an accounting degree," the man said. "But mainly, I'm looking for someone to do my worrying for me."

"Excuse me?" the accountant said.

"I worry about a lot of things," the man said. "But I don't want to have to worry about money. Your job will be to take all the money worries off my back."

"I see," the accountant said. "And how much does the job pay?"

"I'll start you at eighty thousand."

"Eighty thousand dollars!" the accountant exclaimed. "How can such a small business afford a sum like that?"

"That," the owner said, "is your first worry."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 November 2016
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

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