Jokes of the day for Friday, 06 November 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 06 November 2020 |
Is Rob Ford an aristocrat or <
Is Rob Ford an aristocrat or a risk to crack?A Group Of Butts
A group of butts is walking. The smallest struggles to keep up.
“Sorry, I’m a little behind.”
One day, an immigrant from Pol
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him.The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are you that she is gonna kill you? Did she threaten to kill you?"
"No," replied the nervous immigrant.
"Did you hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Did someone tell you that your wife is gonna kill you?"
"No."
"Then why did you think she's gonna kill you?" asked the exasperated police officer.
"Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!"
He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud.
The immigrant became indignant and said, "What so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle said 'Polish Remover'?"
Paper shredder...
The new employee stood before the paper shredder looking confused.
"Need some help?" a secretary asked.
"Yes," he replied. "How does this thing work?"
"Simple," she said, taking the fat report from his hand and feeding it into the shredder.
"Thanks, but where do the copies come out?"
Filming on location for Walker...
Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.A blonde and a lawyer are seat...
A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game?The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vise versa.
Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and, if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."
This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.
The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer.
Okay says the lawyer, your turn. She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer. Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail.
After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep.
The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer? "Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.
Not me!
A merchant captain and several of his officers were returning to the ship after a large evening ashore.As they climbed the gangway the captain threw up all over himself.
Pointing to an apprentice seaman above him he shouted, "Give that man five days in the brig for vomiting!"
The following morning the captain was checking the log and saw that the young seaman had been sentenced to ten days and asked the chief mate why.
"Well Sir, when we got you undressed we found that he?d also shit in your pants."
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Glaci
Barmen
Our lager,Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink,
Thy will be drunk (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the pub.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillages,
As we will forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter and the lager.
For ever and ever.
Barmen.
Top 22 dad jokes, voted by kids
1. Why did the crab never share?
Because he’s shellfish.
2. Did you hear the rumour about butter?
Well, I’m not going to spread it!
3. What do you call a man who can’t stand?
Neil.
4. I wouldn’t buy anything with velcro.
It’s a total rip-off!
5. Dad, did you get a haircut?
No, I got them all cut.
6. I keep trying to lose weight...
but it keeps finding me.
7. What do you call a bear without any teeth?
A gummy bear!
8. Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?
He couldn’t see himself doing it.
9. You know what the loudest pet you can get is?
A trumpet.
10. Why can’t T-Rexs clap their hands?
Because they are extinct.
11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day...
but I couldn’t find any.
12. Why did the picture go to jail?
Because it was framed.
13. Have you ever tried to eat a clock?
Its very time-consuming.
14. What kind of tea you drink with the Queen?
Royal tea.
15. What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two!
16. How do you cut the ocean in half?
With a sea-saw.
17. I don’t trust stairs.
They’re always up to something.
18. Why did the tomato blush?
Because it saw the salad dressing.
19. Where do you learn to make ice cream?
Sundae school.
20. What do you call a small mother?
A minimum.
21.Why couldn’t the bicycle stand up by itself?
It was two tired
22.Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees?
Because they’re so good at it.
Counting Her Own Eggs
What do you call a hen who counts her own eggs?
A mathemachicken.
The shipwrecked mariner
The shipwrecked mariner had spent several years on a deserted island. Then one morning he was thrilled to see a ship offshore and a smaller vessel pulling out toward him.When the boat grounded on the beach, the officer in charge handed the marooned sailor a bundle of newspapers and told him, "The captain said to read through these and let us know if you still want to be rescued."
A little girl asked her father...
A little girl asked her father:"How did the human race appear?"
The father answered, "God made Adam and Eve;
they had children; and so was all mankind made."
Two days later the girl asked her mother the same question.
The mother answered,
"Many years ago there were monkeys from
which the human race evolved."
The confused girl returned to her father and said,
"Dad, how is it possible that you told me the
human race was created by God,
and Mom said they developed from monkeys?"
The father answered,
"Well, Dear, it is very simple.
I told you about my side of the family,
and your mother told you about hers."
Laying Turf
A painting contractor was speaking with a woman about a job. In the first room, she said she would like a pale blue. The contractor wrote this down and went to the window, opened it, and yelled out "GREEN SIDE UP!" In the second room, she told the painter she would like it painted in a soft yellow. He wrote this on his pad, walked to the window, opened it, and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady was somewhat curious but she said nothing. In the third room, she said she would like it painted a warm rose color. The painter wrote this down, walked to the window, opened it and yelled "GREEN SIDE UP!" The lady then asked him, "Why do you keep yelling 'green side up'?"
"I'm sorry," came the reply.
"But I have a crew of blondes laying sod across the street."
The Watch
Little Johnny sees that his friend at school has a new watch so he asks him how he got it.
"I waited until I heard the bedsprings squeaking in my folk's bedroom and then I ran in. My father gave me a watch to get rid of me.", replied the little friend.
Little Johnny, thinking that this was a cool idea waited that night until he heard the bedsprings squeaking rhythmically and then ran into his folk's bedroom.
"What do you want!", asked the father gruffly.
"I want a watch!", said Johnny.
"Well sit down and shut up!", replied the father.