Jokes of the day for Thursday, 26 November 2020

The police raided an unlicense

The police raided an unlicensed daycare. It was an illegal grow-up.

What do you like?

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes

Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.

Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!

A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.

Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.

My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?

Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.

Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!

Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!

Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!

Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!

Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!

Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!

Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.

Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.

Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.

Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.

Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.

Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.

Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.

Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.

Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.

20 fresh jokes for Thanksgiving 2020

Q: What always comes at the end of Thanksgiving?
A: The G.

Q: Why did the turkey refuse dessert?
A: He was already stuffed.

Q: The day after the holiday, what did the fridge say when it was asked, "Is everything al-right over here?"?
A: "No, everything is all left-over here!"

Q: Why was the turkey asked to join a band?
A: He could bring his own drumsticks.

Q: If Pilgrims traveled on the Mayflower, what do college students travel on?
A: Scholar ships.

Q: What don't you want to wear to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: A white shirt or high-waisted pants.

Q: What do you call the age of a Pilgrim?
A: A pilgrimage.

Q: What kind of key can't open doors?
A: A tur-key.

Q: Why did the farmer have to separate the chicken and the turkey?
A: He sensed fowl play.

Q: What happened to the turkey that got in a fight?
A: He got the stuffing knocked out of him!

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with an octopus?
A: Finally enough drumsticks for everyone at Thanksgiving.

Q: Why does this Native Indian chief put on a lot of feathers?
A: To help keep their wigwam.

Q: What is the real key to the perfect thanksgiving dinner?
A: The turKEY.

Q: On which side the turkey has got the majority of feathers?
A: The outside.

Q: How will you make the turkey float?
A: You will need a few root beer, two scoops of delicious ice cream, and the turkey.

Q: Is it possible for the turkey to jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because a building cannot jump anyway.

Q: What is the type of vegetable that you would like on this Thanksgiving?
A: Beets me!

Q: What is the type of potatoes that go oui-oui-buzz-buzz?
A: French flies.

Q: Why do the cranberries change red?
A: When they saw the turkey dressing!

Q: At what time the turkey soup can be bad for yourself?
A: In case if you are that turkey!

17 new Thanksgiving jokes for 2020

Q: What happens when cranberries get sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.

Q: Why was the soup at Thanksgiving so pricey?
A: It had 24 carrots.

Q: What kind of 'tude is appropriate at the family dinner?
A: Gratitude.

Q: Why was the turkey put in jail?
A: The police suspected fowl play.

Q: What's Frankenstein's favorite Thanksgiving dish?
A: Monster mash potatoes and grave-y.

Q: Why did Mom's turkey seasoning taste a little off last year?
A: She ran out of thyme.

Q: What did the Pilgrim wear to dinner?
A: A (har)vest.

Q: What can you call your brother who falls asleep after dinner?
A: Your napkin.

Q: What did the salad say to the butter who kept making jokes?
A: You're on a roll.

Q: What's a running turkey called?
A: Fast food.

Q: Who should you invite to your Friendsgiving?
A: Your close group of Palgrims.

Q: Why did the turkey bring a microphone to dinner?
A: He was ready for a roast.

Q:On Thanksgiving, what does Dad have in common with an exhausted baseball player?
A: They're both likely to fall asleep between plates.

Q: What's one thing that you'll have in common with a teddy bear on Thanksgiving?
A: You'll both be filled with stuffing.

Q:How can you unlock the greatest Thanksgiving experience ever?
A: By making sure to bring the tur-key.

Q: With Coronavirus being a possible concern this year, what's likely to be the most popular side dish?
A: Masked potatoes.

Q: Why were the beans accused of being jealous of the other side dishes?
A: They were so green.

A monkey is sitting in a tree

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walkspast and looks up and says to the monkey, "Hey! What are you doing?"
The monkey says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have afew tokes together.
After a while the lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and that he's goingto get a drink from the river.
The lizard climbs down the tree, ditty bops on thru the jungle tothe river and leans over the river to get his drink.
Well, the lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and fallsinto the river.
A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him tothe side, then asks the lizard, "What's the matter with you?"
The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting in a treeand smoking a joint with the monkey and got too stoned and then fellinto the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he's gotta check this hippie monkey out and walksoff into the jungle where he finds the tree where the monkey isstill sitting and toking on the joint.
He looks up and says "hey you!"
The Monkey looks down and says, "wwoooowww dude.............how much water did you drink?!!"

Count Your Blessings

Thanksgiving is a time to count your blessings...
One by one...
As each relative goes home.

We don't stop at Victoria....

A man traveling by train asks the ticket collector what time the train stops at Victoria.

"Sir, we don't stop at Victoria."

"But I have to get off there!"

"Well, there might be one thing I can do. I might be able to get the engineer to slow down the train a little. Then I can dangle you out the door and lower you onto the platform."

"Will that work?"

"It's worth a try."

As they approached the platform, the train is slowing from 50 MPH. The collector hangs the man in mid-air out the door. The man starts running in mid-air. "Run faster! Faster!" He lowers the man and the man's feet touch the platform. His shoes start to smoke! His heel comes off! He's running at 30 MPH. He's made it! He starts to slow down! The other passengers stare in amazement.

As the last car goes by, a hand grabs the man by the shirt collar and lifts the man right back into the train! As he's helped back on the train the gent who picked him up says, "Man you're lucky I was here to help! This train doesn't even STOP in Victoria!"

This duck walks into a conveni...

This duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have any grapes?"

The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and the duck leaves.

The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time that we don't have any grapes!

I swear if you come back in here again, and ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left, and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?"

The clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

An elderly man and woman meet ...

An elderly man and woman meet in a bar and get to talking. They are enjoying their conversation so much that, when the bar closes, they decide to continue at the woman's apartment. After a time, things start getting pretty romantic and they wind up in bed. Afterward, they're both laying there, staring at the ceiling.

The old man is thinking... "Gosh, if I had known she was a virgin, I would have been more careful with her."

The old lady is thinking... "Geez, if I had known he could get it up, I would have taken off my panties."

The doctor said...

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.
You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit.'
He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit.'
The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.'
Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said..
Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.
As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked,'How about a new shirt?'
Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'
The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'
Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'
'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.
Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'
Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'
The salesman said, 'Let's see... size 36.
Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'
The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

In the back of the Guinness Bo...

In the back of the Guinness Book of World Records it states "All records are currently held by Chuck Norris, and the records listed in this book are only the records of those people who have come closest to Chuck Norris' records."

A man was speeding down the hi...

A man was speeding down the highway, feeling secure in a gaggle of cars all traveling at the same speed. However, as they passed a speed trap, he got nailed with an infrared speed detector and was pulled over.
The officer handed him the citation, received his signature and was about to walk away when the man asked, "Officer, I know I was speeding, but I don't think it's fair - there were plenty of other cars around me who were going just as fast, so why did I get the ticket?"
"Ever go fishing?" the policeman suddenly asked the man.
"Ummm, yeah..." the startled man replied.
The officer grinned and added, "Did you ever catch all the fish?"

The Hot Shot

A young businessman had just started his own firm. He rented a beautiful office and had it furnished with antiques. Sitting there, he saw a man come into the outer office. Wishing to appear the hot shot, the businessman picked up the phone and started to pretend he had a big deal working.
He threw huge figures around and made giant commitments. Finally he hung up and asked the visitor, ""Can I help you?""
The man said, ""Yeah, I've come to activate your phone lines."

Faking Your Age

A 60-year-old millionaire is getting married and throws a big wedding reception. His friends are quite jealous and in a quiet moment, one of them asks him how did he land such a hot 23-year-old beauty.
“Simple,” grins the millionaire, “I faked my age.'
His friends are really amazed and ask him how much he said.
'Well,' he replied, 'I said I was 87!'