Jokes of the day for Monday, 07 December 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 07 December 2020 |
I bought a driverless car, but
I bought a driverless car, but it drove itself off a cliff. What a lemming.When You Know Your Old
You know your old when you look at Santa Claus and think...
"Gosh, he looks so young!"
A mother took her little boy t
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."
This is fun.....
I cdnuolt blveiee taht I cluod aulaclty uesdnatnrd waht I was rdanieg. The phaonmneal pweor of the hmuan mnid Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoatnt tihng is taht the first and last ltteer be in the rghit pclae. The rset can be a taotl mses and you can still raed it wouthit a porbelm. This is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe. Amzanig huh?
The new minister's wife had a ...
The new minister's wife had a baby. The minister appealed to the congregation for a salary increase to cover the addition to the family.The congregation agreed that it was only fair, and approved it.When the next child arrived, the minister appealed again and the congregation approved again.
Several years and five children later, the congregation was a bit upset over the increasing expense. This turned into a rather loud meeting one night with the minister. Finally, the minister stood and shouted out,"Having children is an act of God!!"
An older man in the back stood and shouted back, "Rain and snow are acts of God, too, and we wear rubbers for them."
Chris Rock: Natural Causes
When you die at 72, no matter what you die of, its natural causes. Even if you get hit by a truck, its natural causes. Cause if you was younger, youd got out of the way.Bag
Saddam sent his son shopping to get some food.His son came back with the food on his head.
So Saddam says "Why have you got the shopping on your head?"
The son replies, "Because there is no Baghdad!"
Submitted by Curtis
Edited by Calamjo
End of the earth
BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there?
Submitted by sai1ram
Edited by Curtis
A buyer was considering purcha...
A buyer was considering purchasing an aging thoroughbred but wanted a veterinarian's opinion of the horse before finalizing the deal.When the vet had completed his examination the potential buyer asked, "Will I be able to race him?"
The veterinarian looked at the buyer, then at the horse.
"Sure," he replied, "And you'll probably win!"
When two people are destined to be together
When two people are destined to be together, don’t worry. Just wait. The love that you seek will come to you in the right time, the right place, and with the right person that was meant to love you the way you always wanted.Icing
A young man was visiting his brother and sister-in-law for the holidays. As he arrived at their house he found his young nephew, Timmy, helping them bake some cupcakes.
After they were done, his sister-in-law allowed Timmy to put the icing on. When the boy had finished, he brought them to the table.
"The cupcakes look delicious, Tim." his uncle said. He took a bite and said, "Timmy these are so good."
As he finished cupcake and took another, he again complimented his little nephew. "The cupcakes look beautiful, Tim," his uncle said. "How did you get the icing so neat?"
His nephew replied, "It was easy. I just licked them."
The uncle turned pale. He pointed to the plate of cupcakes. "You licked all of these?"
Timmie replied, "Well no. After a while my tongue got tired, and I got the dog to help."
When can we see the baby?
With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.
When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. May we see the new baby? one of them asked.
Not yet, said the mother. I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.
Another half hour passed before another relative asked, May we see the new baby now?
No, not yet, said the mother.
A while later and again the guests asked, May we see the baby now?
No, not yet, replied the mother.
Growing impatient, they asked, Well, when can we see the baby?
When it cries! she told them.
"When it cries? they gasped. Why do we have to wait until it cries?
Because, I forgot where I put it.
Tough Dog
He tells the clerk that he wants a dog.
The clerk asks, "What kind of demeanor do you want the dog to have?"
The man says, "I'm looking for a guard dog, demeanor the better!"
Bill Burr: Rednecks to Afghanistan
Rednecks are like Americas pit bulls. They should just sedate those people, drop em off in Afghanistan, just let them run wild. Just be like, Dude, just go do everything you ever dreamed of doing. Just go crazy. Have one of your friends play the banjo -- itll scare the hell out of them.I finally have the body I want
'I finally have the body I want. It's easy, actually, you just have to want a really sh-tty body.'
Louis CK (1967-)
Picture: Rex