Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 30 December 2020
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 30 December 2020 |
Mother: "When I was your age,
Mother: "When I was your age, my mother used to hide money around the house for me that I would find only if I performed my chores particularly well. One time when I was cleaning out the cupboards for her, I found $20 under the old shelf paper."Daughter: "Wow! What a cool idea! Why didn't you ever do that with me?"
Mother: "But my dear ... I have been."
Best Diet Ever
My friend Joe recently went on the Dolly Parton diet...
It made Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean, Joe lean!
Interest rates in Japan are co
Interest rates in Japan are compounded sumo-annually.An investment counselor decide...
An investment counselor decided to go out on her own. She was shrewd and diligent, so business kept coming in, and pretty soon she realized that she needed an in-house counsel. She began to interview young lawyers."As I'm sure you can understand," she started off with one of the first applicants, "in a business like this, our personal integrity must be beyond question." She leaned forward. "Mr. Peterson, are you an honest lawyer?"
"Honest?" replied the job prospect. "Let me tell you something about honest. Why, I'm so honest that my father lent me $15,000 for my education, and I paid back every penny the minute I tried my very first case."
"Impressive. And what sort of case was that?"
The lawyer squirmed in his seat and admitted, "He sued me for the money."
Sex and athletics....
It has been determined that having sex before participating in athletic activity, such as a marathon race, does not impair the athlete's abilities.
In fact, men have known and displayed this for centuries. After sex, they glance at their watches and say, "Oops, gotta run!"
A man was walking down the str...
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularlydirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollarsfor dinner.The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I giveyou this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"
"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can getjust to stay alive."
"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" theman asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20years!"
"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead offood?" the man asked.
"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'mgoing to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you fordoing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."
The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a manlooks like after he has given up beer, gambling, golf, and sex."
Two blondes were in a parking ...
Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris...
Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.Computer Flatlined..
I work in a busy office, and when a computer goes down it causes quite an inconvenience. Recently one of our computers not only crashed, it made a noise that sounded like a heart monitor."This computer has flat-lined," a co-worker called out with mock horror.
"Does anyone here know how to do mouse-to-mouse?"
Forty-three percent of all Ame...
Forty-three percent of all Americans say that illegal immigration is a serious problem.The other 57 percent said, "No hablo ingles."
5 Blondes celebrate
Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.
The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.
Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.
The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".
Fingers
A guy was packing for a business trip and his three year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed.
At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, he reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in his mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers," pretending to eat them and then went back to packing.
He looked up again and his daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
He said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my boogie?
The Vase
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."