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Jokes of the day for Monday, 18 January 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 18 January 2021

A programmer was walking along

A programmer was walking along the beach when he found a lamp. Upon rubbing the lamp, a genie appeared who stated, "I am the most powerful genie in the world. I can grant you any wish you want, but only one wish."
The programmer pulled out a map of the Mediterranean area and said, "I'd like there to be a just and lasting peace among the people in the Middle East."
The genie responded, "Gee, I don't know. Those people have been fighting since the beginning of time. I can do just about anything, but this is beyond my limits."
The programmer then said, "Well, I am a programmer and my programs have a lot of users. Please make all the users satisfied with my programs, let them ask for sensible changes before I start writing the programs and no changes after I start."
Genie: "Uh, let me see that map again."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

One Cup Every Morning

I have one cup of coffee every morning to start the day off right...
The other ones are to keep me out of jail, help me form sentences, and fuel my razor sharp wit!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #91 - Funny Photo Slideshow

1. They start paying everyone

1. They start paying everyone in sea shells.
2. The Dairy Queen on the corner is threatening a hostile takeover.
3. When you say, "See you tomorrow," the watchman laughs uncontrollably.
4. The chairman walks by your desk and says, "Hey, Hey! Easy on the staples!"
5. The initials of your company are "G.M."
6. Conference room has been turned into chinchilla farm.
7. Conversations at the water cooler are mainly with yourself.
8. Your boss casually asks you if you know anything about starting fires.
9. You get a lot of memos in Japanese.
10. Your boss asks you not to cash your check until next week.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 10 January 2016
  • Currently 2.18/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (11)

A Raise

"Sir," said the timid employee to his boss, "my wife says I'm to ask you for a raise."

"Fine," the boss replied. "I'll ask my wife if I can give you one."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 February 2015
  • Currently 9.55/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (11)

Farmer John lived on a quiet r...

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. Thetraffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at arate of three to six a day.
So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving sofast and killing all of my chickens."
"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.
"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the nextday he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING
Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got todo something about these drivers. The 'schoolcrossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."
So, again, the sheriff sends out the countyworkers and they put up a newsign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John calledand called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked thesheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the FarmerJohn do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday tocomplain.
The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided togive Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did youput up your sign?"
"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killedsince then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.
The sheriff was really curious now and he thoughtto himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... itmight be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriffdrove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw thesign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY
GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 January 2017
  • Currently 8.94/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (47)

After dating a young lady for ...

After dating a young lady for some time a young man decides it is time to marry her.
He proceeds with all the necessary plans and finally the day comes.
On the day of the wedding the young man has yet to pay the pastor for performing the ceremony. However the pastor has a plan.
The service proceeds as planned the vows are exchanged etc. Now it is time for the groom to kiss his bride. The pastor sees this as the perfect opportunity to ask to be paid. He pulls the young man aside and asks him. Can you please pay me?
Not wanting to create a seen the young man asked. How much do I owe you?
The pastor thinks quickly and replies, pay me according to your wife's beauty.
The young man discretely pulled out five dollars and gave it to the pastor.
Although annoyed by this, the pastor continues the ceremony and says; you may now kiss the bride. At this point the veil is lifted from the brides face to allow the groom to kiss her. As the groom is about to kiss his new bride the pastor interrupts and promptly hand the groom four dollars and fifty cents.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 January 2011
  • Currently 8.15/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (40)

Snooker Man

y did the snookerman go to the toilet, to pot brown!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 January 2010
  • Currently 2.21/10

Rating: 2.2/10 (38)

Intelligent Preference

Q: Why do men prefer intelligent women?
A: Opposites attract.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 January 2010
  • Currently 5.28/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (32)

Pete Holmes: Privacy Is Uncool

I think the government made Facebook in an attempt to make privacy uncool. Think about that. I think thats true cause they dont have to tap our phones or survey us when we just yield to them everything, just on our own free will. Home address? Its a little weird, OK. Phone number? Call me. Photos? Photos of everyone I know? Here, let me tag those for you.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 January 2011
  • Currently 5.71/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (28)

Josh Sneed: After-Christmas Sale

I was walking back through this mall in January; there was a girl in front of Victorias Secret who stopped me. She was like, Hey, hows it going? I was like, Good, how are you? She goes, Well, Im curious, are you shopping for a wife or girlfriend today? I was like, No, why? She goes, Well, were having this after-Christmas sale, and all our bras are 50% off. And I go, I like when your bras are 100% off.
#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 December 2010
  • Currently 5.76/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (42)

It's the drinking...

The patient was lying in bed, still groggy from the effects of the recent operation. His doctor came in, looking very glum.

"I can't be sure what's wrong with you," the doctor said. "I think it's the drinking."

"Okay," the patient said. "Can we get an opinion from a doctor who's sober?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 February 2017
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

The Shopping Criminal

It was Christmas and the judge was in a merry mood as he asked the prisoner,"What are you charged with?"

"Doing my Christmas shopping early", replied the defendant.

"That's no offense", said the judge. "How early were you doing this shopping?"

"Before the store opened."

#joke #short #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 04 June 2011
  • Currently 6.88/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (52)

Christmas cracker jokes - yet another collection

What do you get if you cross a bell with a skunk?

Jingle Smells!

What's green, covered in tinsel and goes ribbet ribbet?

Mistle-toad!

Which famous playwright was terrified of Christmas?
Noël Coward!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?
A broken drum – you just can’t beat it!

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?

How do you know if Santa is really a werewolf?


What did the stamp say to the Christmas card?

Stick with me and we'll go places!


Why did no one bid for Rudolph and Blitzen on eBay?
Because they were two deer!

What does the Queen call her Christmas Broadcast?
The One Show!

What did Father Christmas do when he went speed dating?
He pulled a cracker!

Why don't you ever see Father Christmas in hospital?
Because he has private elf care!

Why is it getting harder to buy Advent calendars?
Because their days are numbered!

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 December 2015
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

A young banker decided to get...

A young banker decided to get his first tailor-made suit. So he went tothe finest tailor in town and got measured for a suit. A week later hewent in for his first fitting. He put on the suit and he looked fabulous,he felt that in this suit he can do business.
As he was preening himself in front of the mirror he reached down to puthis hands in the pockets and to his surprise he noticed that there were nopockets. He mentioned this to the tailor who asked him, "Didn't you tellme you were a banker?"
The young man answered, "Yes, I did."
To this the tailor said, "Who ever heard of a banker with his hands in hisown pockets?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 May 2018
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

Barking Dog

Paddy and his missus are lying in bed listening to the next door neighbor's dog barking. It had been barking for hours and hours.
Suddenly, Paddy jumps out of bed and says, "I've had enough of this," and goes downstairs.
Paddy finally comes back up to bed and his wife says, "The dog is still barking. What have you been doing?"
Paddy says, "I've put their dog in our yard - now we'll see how they like it!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 19 October 2015
  • Currently 8.14/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (22)

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