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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 20 January 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 20 January 2021

He: Why did you put on these h

He: Why did you put on these high-heel shoes? It seems so inconvenient for you to walk.
She: I thought you liked tall girls.
He: I like clever girls.
She: That's why I've put on the glasses...
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.72/10

Rating: 3.7/10 (18)

Proof Positive

It is a scientific fact...
That your body will not absorb cholesterol if you take it from another person's plate.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Where are we?

Two tourists were driving through Louisiana. As they were approaching Natchitoches, they started arguing about the pronunciation of the town. They argued back and forth until they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one tourist asked the employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us? Would you please pronounce where we are...very slowly?"

The employee leaned over the counter and said, "Burrrrrrrr, gerrrrrrr, Kiiiiing."

#joke #food #lunch
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2015
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

Farmer Joe decided his injurie...

Farmer Joe decided his injuries from the accident were serious enough totake the trucking company, responsible for the accident, to court. In court, the trucking company's fancy lawyer was questioning FarmerJoe. "Didn't you say, 'I'm fine', at the scene of the accident?" asked the lawyer.
Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
#joke #lawyer #animal #mule
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 January 2020
  • Currently 9.12/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (57)

After the Office Party

John, woke up after the annual office Christmas party with a pounding headache, cotton-mouthed and utterly unable to recall the events of the preceding evening.

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.

"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"

"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."

"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."

"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."

"Well, screw him!" said John.

"I did. You're back at work on Monday.

#joke #christmas #monday #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 January 2010
  • Currently 7.55/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (42)

This Wife Is Too Jealous

There was once a wife so jealous that when her husband came home one night and she couldn't find hairs on his jackets she yelled at him, "Great, so now you're cheating on me with a bald woman!"
The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 January 2010
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (36)

Texan Farmer Travels

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large".
Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
#joke #animal #kangaroo #cow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 20 January 2011
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (32)

I think Cheney is starting to lose...

"I think Cheney is starting to lose it. After he shot the guy he screamed, 'Anyone else want to call domestic wire tapping illegal?'" -- Jay Leno
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 20 January 2009
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (26)

Life begins...

Life begins on friday night!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 12 June 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A Very Minor Sin

A famous professor of surgery died and went to heaven. At the pearly gates he was asked by the gatekeeper, "Have you ever committed a sin you truly regret?""Yes," the professor answered. "When I was a young candidate at the Hospital of Saint Lucas, we played soccer against a team from the Community Hospital, and I scored a goal, which was off-side. But the referee did not see it, and the goal won us the match. I regret that now."
"Well," said the gatekeeper. "That is a very minor sin. You may enter."
"Thank you very much, Saint Peter," the professor answered.
"You're welcome, but I am not Saint Peter," said the gatekeeper. "He is having his lunch break. I am Saint Lucas."
#joke #food #lunch #sport #soccer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 June 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Leaving Dan In My Will

A lawyer meets with the family of a recently deceased millionaire for the reading of the will.
'To my loving wife, Rose, who always stood by me, I leave the house and $2 million,' the attorney reads.
'To my darling daughter, Jessica, who looked after me in sickness and kept the business going, I leave the yacht, the business and $1 million.'
'And finally,' the lawyer concludes, 'to my cousin Dan, who hated me, argued with me and thought I would never mention him in my will. Well, you were wrong. Hi Dan!'

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 January 2017
  • Currently 8.78/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (41)

Whenever

Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there's an idiot pulling a door that says “push”
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 February 2016
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

A wife, being the romantic sor...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."
#joke #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 November 2014
  • Currently 8.17/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (12)

Parrot wih an attitude...

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of this bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, and anything he could think of to set a good example. Nothing worked.

Finally, John got fed up and he yelled at the parrot. And, the bird yelled back. John shook the parrot, and the bird got angrier and ruder. Finally, in a moment of desperation, John put the bird in the refrigerator freezer.

For a few minutes, John heard the bird squawk and kick and scream... then suddenly there was quiet. Not a peep for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the bird, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I am truly sorry, and I will do everything to correct my poor behavior."

John was astonished at the bird's change of attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued,

"May I ask what the chicken did?"

#joke #animal #bird #parrot #chicken
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 18 December 2016
  • Currently 8.90/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (21)

Justice jokes

17 July is Day of International Criminal Justice. Raise awareness, and laugh with some jokes!

Justice is a dish best served cold because...
...if it were served warm, it would be justwater.

Today I gave up my seat on the bus to a blind person.
I was also fired from my job as a bus driver, no justice for the kind hearted in this world.

The attorney tells the accused, "I have some good news and some bad news."
"What’s the bad news?" asks the accused.
"The bad news is, your blood is all over the crime scene, and the DNA tests prove you did it."
"What’s the good news?"
"Your cholesterol level is good."

Attorney: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
Witness: "By death."
Attorney: "And by whose death was it terminated?"
Witness: "Guess."

#joke
Joke | Source: John Chris - Funny jokes collected from all around
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Jokes Archive

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