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Jokes of the day for Friday, 22 January 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 22 January 2021

A famous visitor to an asylum

A famous visitor to an asylum tries to make a phone call, but it doesn't go through. After trying to get help from the operator, without luck, the exasperated visitor shouts, "Listen, do you know who I am?!"
Calmly, the operator answers, "No, but I know WHERE you are."
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Wisdom Comes After You Need It

When you get to be a certain age, there are two things you definitely don’t want to do in the same week...
Upgrade your prescription glasses and buy a full-length mirror!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A woman was found guilty in tr...

A woman was found guilty in traffic court and when asked for her occupation she said she was a schoolteacher. The judge rose from the bench. "Madam, I have waited years for a schoolteacher to appear before this court."
He smiled with delight. "Now sit down at that table and write 'I will not run a red light' five hundred times."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 January 2016
  • Currently 7.95/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (20)

Wading across the river...

Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George W. Bush died and found themselves standing on the other side of the Jordan River looking across at the Promised Land.

The Archangel Michael was standing on the other side and shouted over to the three surprised Americans, "Contrary to what you have been taught, each of you will have to wade across the Jordan River."

As Michael saw their perplexed looks, he assured them by saying, "Don't worry. You will sink only proportionally, according to your sins on earth. The more you have sinned, the more you will sink into the water."

The three American sages of political lore looked at one another, trying to determine who would be the first brave soul to cross the Jordan River.

Finally, George W. Bush volunteered to go first. Slowly he began to wade out into the river, and slowly the water began to get higher and higher, reaching to his waist. George began to sweat, thinking of all his sins that were coming back to haunt him. He was beginning to wonder if he would ever see the other side. Finally, after what seemed like an eternity, he began to emerge on the river's bank.

As he ascended to the other side, he looked behind him to see which one of the other brave souls was going next. A shock of surprise registered on his face, as he saw Al Gore almost in the middle of the river, and the water was only up to his ankles.

He turned to Michael and exclaimed, "I know Al Gore. Al Gore is a friend of mine, and he has sinned much, much more than that!"

Before the Archangel Michael could reply, Al Gore shouted back, "I'm standing on Clinton's shoulders!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 10 February 2015
  • Currently 8.92/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (13)

In the Beginning…

In the beginning, God created the heavens and the earth, and then He rested.
Then God created man, and then they both rested.
Then God created woman, and since then neither God nor man has ever rested.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 January 2010
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (62)

A man walks in a bank, pulls o...

A man walks in a bank, pulls out a gun, and robs the bank...
Then he turns around and asks the next customer in line, "Did you see me
rob this bank?"
The customer replies, "YES!"
The robber raises his gun, points to his head and BANG!!!!!... shoots him
in the head and kills him!
He then moves to the next customer in line and says to the man, "DID ...
YOU ... SEE ... ME ... ROB THIS BANK????"
The man calmly responds, "No ... But My Wife Did!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 22 January 2010
  • Currently 7.63/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (54)

The Sparrow

Once upon a time there was a non-conforming sparrow who decided not to fly south for the winter. However, soon the weather turned so cold that he reluctantly decided to fly south. In a short time ice began to form on his wings and he fell to Earth in a barnyard, nearly frozen solid. A cow passed by where he had fallen, and crapped on the little sparrow.The sparrow thought it was the end, but the manure warmed him and defrosted his wings!
Warm and happy, able to breath, he started to sing.
Just then a large cat came by, and hearing the chirping he investigated the sounds. The cat cleared away the manure, found the chirping bird, and promptly ate him.
The Moral of the Story:
Everyone who craps on you is not necessarily your enemy
Everyone who gets you out of crap is not necessarily your friend.
And if you're warm and happy in a pile of crap, you might just want to keep your mouth shut.
#joke #animal #cat #bird #cow #sparrow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 22 January 2011
  • Currently 7.23/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (44)

Wish Comes True

Carlos told his wife he wanted a guitar to play while sitting in the Jacuzzi. “The next day she bought him an electric guitar.”
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 January 2015
  • Currently 7.90/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (41)

I promise you cannot read thes...

I promise you cannot read these and not laugh outloud! These are real notes written from parents in a Mississippi schooldistrict. (Spellings have been left intact.)
My son is under a doctor's care and should not takeP.E. today. Please execute him.
Please excuse Lisa for being absent. She was sick andI had her shot.
Dear School: Please ekscuse John Henry being absenton Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32, and also 33
Please excuse Gloria Jean from Jim today. She isadministrating
Please excuse Roland from P.E. for a few days.Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
John has been absent because he had two teeth takenout of his face.
Carlos was absent yesterday because he playingfootball. He hurt in the growing part.
Ethel Pearl could not come to school today because shehas been bothered by very close veins.
Please xcuse LeRoy from school, he ain't got no raincot and it was missing rain.
Please excuse Bowdiddly fom school cause he uncledied. Bow say, "I sho glad it want me."
Lugene will not be in school cus he has an acre in hisside .
Please excuse Ray Friday from school. He has veryloose vowels.
Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. Hehad(diahre)(dyrea)(direathe) the s----. [Words werecrossed out in the ( )'s}
Please excuse Tommy for being absent yesterday. Hehad diarrhea and his boots leak.
Irving was absent yesterday because he missed hisbust.
Please excuse Jimmy for being. It was his father'sfault.
I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmasshopping because I don't know what size she wear.
Please excuse Jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found itMonday, we thought it was Sunday.
Sally won't be in school a weak from Friday. We haveto attend her funeral.
My daughter was absent yesterday because she wastired. She spent a weekend with the Marines.
Please excuse Willie being absent yesterday. He had acold and could not breed well.
Please excuse Mary Ann for being absent yestitty. Shewas in bed with gramps.
Lizie was absent yesterday as she was having agangover.
Please excuse Brenda, she been sick and under thedoctor.
Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had afever, sore throat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick,fever and sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and achedall over. I wasn't the best either, sore throat and fever. There must besomething going around, her father even got hot last night.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 22 January 2015
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (29)

An employee got lock...

“An employee got locked in a freezer at the ice cream factory and ended up getting spumonia.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 13 January 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

The inventor of pantyhose...

“The inventor of pantyhose really left us quite a legacy.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 19 August 2016
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

An amazing dog

There was this ad posted on the office window of an accounting firm :

"HELP wanted. Must be able to type 70 words per minute. Computer literacy is required. Must be bilingual. EQUAL EMPLOYER."

So there was this dog ambling outside the office. It noticed the ad and shuffled into the office to apply for the position. The employer took one look at the dog, shook his head and said "But I can't hire a dog."

The dog pointed at the words EQUAL EMPLOYER on the ad. So the employer said, "OK, can you first type this document?" and gave the dog a letter. The dog typed everything correctly and neatly without a mistake at a rate of 70 words per minute.

Flustered, the employer then said, "Then, can you put these figures into spreadsheet and make a program to feed it into the mainframe, process it in the General Ledger Module and give me the Balance Sheets and Profit and Loss Statement?" and gave the dog some documents. The dog completed the spreadsheet, the program, the Balance Sheet and the P/L statement promptly & correctly.

The employer shook his head, pointed at the ad and said, "But are you bilingual?"

The dog said "Meow!"

#joke #animal #dog
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 November 2016
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

Tom had this problem of gettin...

Tom had this problem of getting up late in the morning and was always late for work. His boss was mad at him and threatened to fire him if he didn't do something about it.
So Tom went to his doctor who gave him a pill and told him to take it before he went to bed. Tom slept well and in fact beat the alarm in the morning. He had a leisurely breakfast and drove cheerfully to work. "Boss", he said, "The pill actually worked!"
"That's all fine" said the boss, "But where were you yesterday?"
#joke #doctor #food #breakfast
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 June 2015
  • Currently 9.33/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (21)

You’re in Charge of...

An Italian, an Irishman and a Chinese fellow are hired at a construction site. The manager points out a huge pile of sand and says to the Italian, "You're in charge of sweeping". To the Irishman, "You're in charge of shoveling" To the Chinese guy, "And you're in charge of supplies". "Now, I have to leave for a little while. I expect you guys to make a dent in that pile."

So the manager goes away for a couple of hours. And when he returns, the pile of sand is untouched. He says to the Italian, "Why didn't you sweep any of it?

The Italian guy replies, "I didn't have a broom. You said the Chinese guy was in charge of the supplies, but he disappeared and I couldn't find him" So then the manager turns to the Irishman and asks why he didn't shovel.

The Irishman replies, "I couldn't get myself a shovel. You left the Chinese guy in charge of supplies and I couldn't find him." The manager is really pissed now, and storms off toward the pile of Sand looking for the Chinese guy.

Just then, the Chinese guy springs out from behind the pile of sand and yells, "SUPPLIES!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 March 2015
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

Shack It to Me...in Heaven

A wealthy man died and went to heaven. He was met at the Pearly Gates by Saint Peter who led him down the streets of gold. They passed mansion after mansion until they came to the very end of the street. Saint Peter stopped the rich man in front of a little shack.“This belongs to you,” said Saint Peter.“Why do I get this ugly thing when there are so many mansions I could live in?” the man demanded.“We did the best we could with the money you sent us!” Saint Peter replied.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 08 February 2017
  • Currently 7.68/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (37)

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