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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 02 February 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 02 February 2021

A man has been in hospital for

A man has been in hospital for a month. One day, he's so sick and tired of being in hospital that he sneaks out and down to the nearest pub. He orders a beer and swallows the lot in ten seconds flat. He then orders a second beer and does the same. Then a third and a fourth.
As he orders a fifth beer, he says to the barman, "I shouldn't be drinking this with what I've got."
The barman gasps in alarm, "What have you got?" To which the hospital patient replies, "I've got no money."
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (19)

Dublin Ushers

What do you call a wedding usher in Dublin Ireland?
An Irish sitter!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #48 - Funny Photo Slideshow

There were three little boys v...

There were three little boys visiting their grandparents.
The oldest came out and asked his grandpa, "Can you make a sound like a frog, Grandpappy?
Grandpa (being in a kind of ill mood) responds, "No, I don't really want to make the sound of a frog now."
So, the second little boy comes out and asks his grandfather, "Will you please make a sound like a frog?"
Grandpa again says, "No, not now. I don't really want to do that.I'm in a grumpy mood. Maybe later."
Then the third little boy comes out and says, "Grandpa, oh please...Please, please will you make a sound like a frog?"
"Why do all of you boys want me to make a sound like a frog?" Grandpa asked.
The little boy replied with a hopeful face, "Well, Mom said that when you croak we get to go to Disney World!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2015
  • Currently 6.09/10

Rating: 6.1/10 (22)

Nuns confession

A guy is riding the bus when at a stop, the most beautiful woman he has ever seen gets on. The only problem is that she is a nun.

He decides to approach her anyway. "Sister, you are the most beautiful woman I've ever seen and I must have sex with you." he says.

"I'm sorry but I've given my body to God" she replies and then leaves.

Suddenly the bus driver turns around to the guy and says "I know a way you can get her in the sack."

The bus driver tells the guy about how the nun goes to confessional everyday at 3 in the afternoon. The bus driver tells the guy his plan and the guy leaves happy knowing he's going to get some.

The next day at 3 the guy is in the booth dressed as a priest. When the nun approaches in the darkness he says "Sister, God has told me I must have sex with you."

She replies "Well if God has said it, we must do it. However because of my strong commitment to God I will only take it up the ass."

The guy figures this isn't a problem and proceeds to have the best sex ever. After it is over he whips off his outfit and says "Surprise I'm the guy on the bus"

With that the nun turns around and says "Surprise I'm the bus driver."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2009
  • Currently 4.92/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (51)

Invisible

A psychiatrist's secretary walked into his study and said, "There's a gentleman in the waiting room asking to see you. Claims he's invisible."

The psychiatrist responded, "Tell him I can't see him."

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 February 2017
  • Currently 8.05/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (44)

Coffee Breaks

Q: Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?

A: It

takes too long to retrain them.

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 February 2010
  • Currently 5.58/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (38)

Refrigerator Man

A woman goes to a psychiatrist and says, ''Doctor, you've got to do something about my husband -- he thinks he's a refrigerator!''

''I wouldn't worry too much about it,'' the doctor replies. 'Lots of people have harmless delusions. It will pass.''

''But you don't understand,'' the woman insists. ''He sleeps with his mouth open, and the little light keeps me awake.''

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 February 2011
  • Currently 5.94/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (31)

Why did the dude only smell go...

Why did the dude only smell good on the right side? He didn't know where to buy Left Guard!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 February 2009
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (30)

Chuck Norris once ate an entir...

Chuck Norris once ate an entire bottle of sleeping pills. They made him blink.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 29 November 2011
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (20)

The strong young man at the co...

The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 24 June 2010
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (46)

A woman was having a daytime a...

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One wet and lusty day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway.
"Hurry! Grab your clothes," she yelled to her lover, "and jump out the window. My husband's home early!"
"I can't jump out the window!" came the strangled reply from beneath the sheets. "It's raining out there!"
"If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!" she replied. "He's got a very quick temper and a very large gun! The rain is the least of your problems!"
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he began running down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon.
So he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them. Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to "blend in" as best he could. It wasn't that effective!
After a little while, a small group of runners, who had been studying him with some curiosity, jogged closer.
"Do you always run in the nude?" one asked.
"Oh, yes!" he replied, gasping for air. "It feels so wonderfully free having the air blow over all your skin while you're running."
Another runner moved alongside. "Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?"
"Oh, yes!" our friend answered breathlessly. "That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!"
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and queried. "Do you always wear a condom when you run?"
"Only when it's raining," he replied.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 27 September 2015
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

The seven-year old girl told h...

The seven-year old girl told her mom, "A boy in my class asked me to play doctor."
"Oh, dear," the mother nervously sighed. "What happened, honey?"
"Nothing, he made me wait 45 minutes and then double-billed the insurance company."
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 02 November 2017
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

No flight ever leaves on time...

No flight ever leaves on time unless you are running late and need the delay to make the flight.
If you are running late for a flight, it will depart from the farthest gate in the terminal.
If you arrive very early for a flight, it inevitably will be delayed.
Flights never leave from Gate #1 at any terminal in the world.
If you must work on your flight, you will experience turbulence just as soon as you touch pen to paper.
If you are assigned a middle seat, you can determine who has the seats on the aisle and the window while you are still in the boarding area. Just look for the two largest passengers.
Only passengers seated in window seats ever have to get up to go to the washroom.
The crying baby on board your flight is always seated next to you.
The best-looking woman on your flight is never seated next to you.
The less carry-on luggage space available on an aircraft, the more carry-on luggage passengers will bring aboard
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 30 November 2016
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

A blonde walks into a doctor...

A blonde walks into a doctor's office and says, "Doc, I'm horribly sick!"
The doctor looks at her and asks, "Flu?"
"No, I drove here."
#joke #short #blonde #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 April 2020
  • Currently 7.43/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (23)

Getting away from their high-s...

Getting away from their high-stress jobs, a couple spends relaxing weekends in their motor home. When they found their peace and quiet disturbed by well-meaning, but unwelcome, visits from other campers, they devised a plan to assure themselves some privacy.
Now, when they set up camp, they place this sign on the door of their RV: "Insurance agent. Ask about our term-life package."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 December 2016
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

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