Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 February 2021

A big Texan is walking down th

A big Texan is walking down the main street of Ballinclashett and encounters Liam standing on the pavement beside a big strong horse.
This prompts the Texan to attempt to realise a lifelong dream and he says to Liam, "Say Boy, that's a fine-lookin horse you got there, and I'd like to tour this beautiful country on horseback so's I can see the sights and hear the sounds of the countryside like they did in the old days. I'll buy that horse off of ya, how much ya want."
Liam says, "O sure and you don't want to be messin with this horse he don't look too good these days."
"Hey, Boy," says the Texan, "Don't you try to tell me what's a good lookin' horse an what isn't. I been tradin' horses all my life long and there ain't nothin a young country boy like you can tell me about em. Now you jes name yer price and we'll get along fine."
"I'm sayin' to ye that this horse is not a good lookin horse mister and ye don't want any part of 'im," says Liam.
The Texan is getting angry now. "Listen up Boy, he says, you leave me be the judge of what's good lookin and what's not and jes give me the price and I'll pay cash right here and now."
"Oh well," says Liam, "Two-thousand of your American dollars then."
"Deal!" says the Texan and he hands over the money, Liam unties the horse and the Texan leads him off.
The horse walks smack into the first lampost in the way, and the Texan turns to Liam and says, "Hey, Boy, you a durned swindler, you didn' tell me this here horse was blind!"
"I keep tellin' you he don't look too good," says Liam, "and you kept saying that's none of my business, so in the end I gave up."

Last To Die

When you die, which part of your body is LAST to die?
Your eyes... they dilate!

Rising to the Occasion

A bunch of girls had become upset at an anthropology

professor who had a knack of offending women. They decided

the next time he did something offensive, they would all

stand up and walk out of his class. Sure enough, at the very

next class meeting while discussing a tribe of African

natives. The professor leered and said, "You'll be

interested to know the average tribal warrior there has a

cock twelve inches long."

The girls all rose in a large mass and headed for the door.

The prof sneered and said, "What's your hurry, girls? The

next flight to there isn't until Saturday!"

The three wise men are out for...

The three wise men are out for a stroll when they come across a stable. The three of them decide to duck inside.

On the way in one of the wise men hits his head on the low entranceway.

"Jesus Christ!" he says.

Joseph says, "Quick, Mary, write that down! It's a hell of a lot better than Clyde!"

In light of the rising frequen...

In light of the rising frequency of human - grizzly bear conflicts, the Alaska Department of Fish and Game is advising hikers, hunters, and fishermen to take extra precautions and keep alert of bears while in the field. They advise that outdoorsmen wear noisy little bells on their clothing so as not to startle bears that aren't expecting them. They also advise outdoorsmen to carry pepper spray with them in case of an encounter with a bear. It is also a good idea to watch out for fresh signs of bear activity. Outdoorsmen should recognize the difference between black bear and grizzly bear dung. Black bear dung is smaller and contains lots of berries and squirrel fur. Grizzly bear dung has little bells in it and smells like pepper.

Name the animals...

The first-grade teacher was showing pictures of animals to her students to see how many they could name. She held up a picture of a lamb, and a little girl said, "That's a sheep!"

"That's right!" said the teacher. "How about THIS one?" she said, holding up a picture of the king of beasts.

"That's a lion!" answered a little boy.

"Right!" said the teacher. Then she held up a picture of a deer. No one volunteered an answer. She tried to help. "What does your mother call your father?"

Johnny said, "I know! That's a lazy old goat!"

Air & Sex

Q: Why is air a lot like sex?

A: Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

Team Spirit

At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."

When We Were First Married

One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller.
Don't love me anymore?'
'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'

More of the best Christmas cracker jokes

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

One that's deep pan, crisp and even!

Who hides in the bakery at Christmas?
A mince spy!

What do you call a cat in the desert?

Sandy Claws!

What does Santa do with fat elves?

He sends them to an Elf Farm!

What carol is heard in the desert?

O camel ye faithful!

What do angry mice send to each other at Christmas?

Cross Mouse Cards!

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitis!

What's the most popular Christmas wine?

'I don't like Brussels sprouts!'

What did the beaver say to the Christmas Tree?

Nice gnawing you!

Yannis Pappas - Nobody Wants to Have Kids

@yannispappas

Is it ironic when you think about it

that our parents and grandparents worked

so hard for us to have a better life,

and now we don't want to have kids

'cause we don't want them to ruin our life?

Watch the full clip here: http://on.cc.com/1vfPBSm

I'm addicTED

I'm addicTED to inspirational 17-minute speeches.

What Commandment?

A man was upset because he had lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided that he would go to church that Sunday and steal one from the vestibule.

Unfortunately, the usher saw the man come in and before he could go into the vestibule, the usher led him to a pew, where the preacher was just beginning a sermon on the Ten Commandments.

After church, the man went up to the preacher and, shook his hand and said: "I want to thank you for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat, but after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I changed my mind."

"Why, that's wonderful," the preacher said: "So the commandment 'Thou shalt not steal' changed your mind, did it?"

"No, it wasn't that commandment," the man said: "It was the one about adultery. It reminded me where I left my hat!"

Scripture?

An elderly woman had just returned to her home from an evening church service when she was startled by an intruder. She caught the burglar red-handed, and yelled, "Stop! Acts 2:38 (meaning, repent and be baptized...)!"

The burglar stopped dead in his tracks. The woman then calmly called the police and explained what she had done.

As the officer cuffed the burglar, he asked, "Why did you just stand there? All the old lady did was yell a scripture to you."

"Scripture?" replied the burglar, "I thought she said she had an axe and two 38's!"

English School

Donald MacDonald from Scotland went to study at an English university and was living in the hall of residence with all the other students there. After he had been there a month, his mother came to visit him (no doubt carrying reinforcements of tatties, salt herring, oatmeal and whisky).

“And how do you find the English students, Donald?” she asked.

“Mother,” he replied, “they're such terrible, noisy people. The one on that side keeps banging his head on the wall and won't stop. The one on the other side screams and screams all night.”

“Oh Donald! How do you manage to put up with these awful noisy English neighbors?”

“Mother, I do nothing. I just ignore them. I just stay here quietly, playing my bagpipes.”