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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 04 February 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 04 February 2021

A salesman, and engineer, and

A salesman, and engineer, and a technician are driving in a car when, just outside of town, they get a flat tire. The three of them get out of the car and scratch their heads.
The salesman says, "Maybe I should walk into town and get us a new tire. I know that I can bargain with the man at the parts store and get us a great deal."
The engineer stops him, saying, "No, before you do that, we'll have to do some computations, figuring the grade of the road, the asphalt temperature, and the average rate of speed we will be traveling to know what kind of tire you should buy."
The technician laughs and shakes his head. "No, no, no! What's wrong with you guys? We have a spare tire in the trunk - now all we have to do is start swapping tires until we find the flat one!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

Selfie In the Shower

I have a friend who tried to take a selfie in the shower, but the image was too blurry...
He had selfie steam issues.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

Attached is some correspondence

Attached is some correspondence which actually occurred between a Londonhotel's staff and one of its guests. The London hotel involvedsubmitted this to the Sunday Times.
WHAT TO DO WITH ALL THOSE "FREE" SOAPS WHEN TRAVELLING
***
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroomsince I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the sixunopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and anotherthree in the shower soap dish. They are in my way. Thank you,S. Berman
---
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, fromher day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish asyou requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and puton top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind.This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from themanagement is to leave 3 soaps daily.
I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
---
Dear Maid -- I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning thelittle bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I foundyou had added 3 little Camays to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. Iam going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my ownbath-size Dial so I won't need those 6 little Camays which are on theshelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Pleaseremove them.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which weare instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in yourway on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. Iput the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience.I didn't remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed insidethe medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not objectto when you checked in last Monday. Please let meknow if I can of further assistance. Your regular maid,
Dotty
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that youcalled him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maidservice. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you willaccept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have anyfuture complaints please contact me so I can give it my personalattention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen
Housekeeper
---
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel forbusiness at 745 AM and don't get back before 530 or 6PM. That's thereason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty.I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those littlebars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was anew check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in mymedicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on thebath-room shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little barsof soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to yourroom and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance,please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen,
Housekeeper
---
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my roomincluding my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had tocall the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquets.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. Icannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids areinstructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. Thesituation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies forthe inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder
Assistant Manager
---
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the hell left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in lastnight and found 54 little bars of soap. I don't want 54 little barsof Camay. I want my one damn bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize Ihave 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial.Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
---
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Thenyou complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so Ipersonally returned them. The 24 Camays which had been taken and the 3Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don't know anythingabout the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not knowI had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 dailyCamays. I don't know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-sizeDial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory which I left in yourroom.
Elaine CarmenHousekeeper
---
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory.As of today I possess:
- On shelf under medicine cabinet - 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1stack of 2.
- On Kleenex dispenser - 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
- On bedroom dresser - 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4. - Inside medicinecabinet - 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
- In shower soap dish - 6 Camay, very moist.
- On northeast corner of tub - 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used. - Onnorthwest corner of tub - 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks areneatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of morethan 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom windowsill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soapdeliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sizedDial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid furthermisunderstandings.
#joke #monday
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 February 2015
  • Currently 3.11/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (19)

A wife was making a breakfast ...

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband.
Suddenly, her husband burst into the ki tchen.
"Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my GOD!
You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my GOD! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful . CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them.
Use the salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."
#joke #food #breakfast #butter #salt #egg
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 February 2010
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (44)

the job search

A blonde walks into the police department looking for a job. The officer asks her some questions:

Officer: What's 2 + 2?

Blonde: Ummm... 4!

Officer: What's the square root of 100?

Blonde: Ummm... 10!

Officer: Good! Now, who killed Abraham Lincoln?

Blonde: Ummm... I dunno.

Officer: Well, you can go home and think about it. Come back tomorrow.

The blonde goes home and calls up one of her friends, who asks her if she got the job.

The blonde replies excitedly, "Not only did I get the job, I'm already working on a murder case!"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 February 2009
  • Currently 5.95/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (40)

Good advice...

A mother mouse and a baby mouse are walking along when, all of a sudden, a cat attacks them. The mother mouse goes, "BARK!!" and the cat runs away.

"See?" says the mother mouse to her baby, "how important it is for you to learn a foreign language?"

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 February 2009
  • Currently 6.84/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (37)

The Buddhist Computer Addict

Q: What happens when a Buddhist becomes totally absorbed with the computer he is working with?
A: He enters Nerdvana.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 February 2009
  • Currently 3.30/10

Rating: 3.3/10 (30)

Highly Religious Horse

There's this guy who had been lost and walking in the desert for about 2 weeks. One hot day, he sees the home of a missionary. Tired and weak, he crawls up to the house and collapses on the doorstep. The missionary finds him and nurses him back to health. Feeling better, the man asks the missionary for directions to the nearest town. On his way out the backdoor, he sees this horse. He goes back into the house and asks the missionary, "Could I borrow your horse and give it back when I reach the town?"
The missionary says, "Sure but there is a special thing about this horse. You have to say 'Thank God' to make it go and 'Amen' to make it stop."
Not paying much attetion, the man says, "Sure, ok."
So he gets on the horse and says, "Thank God" and the horse starts walking. Then he says, "Thank God, thank God," and the horse starts trotting. Feeling really brave, the man says, "Thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God, thank God" and the horse just takes off. Pretty soon he sees this cliff coming up and he's doing everything he can to make the horse stop.
"Whoa, stop, hold on!!!!"
Finally he remembers, "Amen!!"
The horse stops 4 inches from the cliff. Then the man leans back in the saddle and says, "Thank God."
#joke #animal #horse
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 04 February 2016
  • Currently 8.86/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (28)

You know your getting older when...

1. You and your teeth don't sleep together.

2. Your try to straighten out the wrinkles in your socks and discover you aren't wearing any.

3. At the breakfast table you hear snap, crackle, pop and you're not eating cereal.

4. Your back goes out but you stay home.

5. When you wake up looking like your driver's license picture.

6. It takes two tries to get up from the couch.

7. When your idea of a night out is sitting on the patio.

8. When happy hour is a nap.

9. When you're on vacation and your energy runs out before your money does..

10. When you say something to your kids that your mother said to you and you always hated it.

11. When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

12. When you step off a curb and look down one more time to make sure the street is still there.

13. Your idea of weight lifting is standing up.

14. It takes longer to rest than it did to get tired.

15. Your memory is shorter and your complaining lasts longer.

16. Your address book has mostly names that start with Dr.

17. You sit in a rocking chair and can't get it going.

18. The pharmacist has become your new best friend.

19. Getting 'lucky' means you found your car in the parking lot.

20. The twinkle in your eye is merely a reflection from the sun on your bifocals.

21. It takes twice as long - to look half as good.

22. Everything hurts, and what doesn't hurt - doesn't work.

23. You look for your glasses for half an hour and they were on your head the whole time.

24. You sink your teeth into a steak - and they stay there.

25. You give up all your bad habits and still don't feel good.

26. You have more patience, but it is actually that you just don't care anymore.

27. You finally get your head together and your body starts falling apart.

28. You wonder how you could be over the hill when you don't even remember being on top of it.

#joke #food #breakfast #steak #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 December 2014
  • Currently 9.38/10

Rating: 9.4/10 (8)

The way to achieve true inner peace

My therapist told me the way to achieve true inner peace is to finish what I start. So far I’ve finished two bags of M&Ms and a chocolate cake. I feel better already..

Dave Barry (July 3 1947-)

Picture: Jason Connel/Getty Images

#joke #short #food #cake #chocolate
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 January 2015
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Husband wanted

A lonely 70-year-old widow decided that it was time to marry again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read: "Husband wanted! Must be in my age group, must not beat me, must not run around on me and must still be good in bed. All applicants please apply in person."

The following day, she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she opened the door to see a gray-haired gentleman sitting in a wheelchair. He had no arms or legs.

"You're not really asking me to consider you, are you?" the widow asked: "Just look at you -- you have no legs!"

The old gent smiled: "Therefore, I cannot run around on you!"

"You don't have any arms either!" she snorted.

Again, the old man smiled: "Therefore, I can never beat you!"

She raised an eyebrow and asked intently: "Are you still good in bed?"

The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said: "I rang the doorbell, didn't I?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 April 2014
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (12)

Andy Kindler: Celebrating Suffering

Jewish people, we dont believe in Hell or a future place to suffer. Were suffering right now. Every one of our holidays celebrates how much weve suffered. Passover -- were celebrating 5,000 years ago, God passed over our houses and murdered all the Egyptians. Were celebrating, Hey, thank God we didnt get slaughtered.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 March 2010
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (44)

At school one morning the teac...

At school one morning the teacher asked little Johnny what he had for breakfast. Little Johnny said, well, on my way to school I come cross this Apple tree, so I climbed up there and started eating apples. I guess I eat about six, said little Johnny. No, said the teacher, it’s ate! Little Johnny said well it could've been eight I don't remember.
#joke #fruit #apple #food #breakfast #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 July 2015
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

The godfather

A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper has cheated him out of $10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that a deaf bookkeeper would not hear anything that he might have to testify about in court.

When the Godfather goes to confront the bookkeeper about his missing $10 million, he brings along his attorney, who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer 'Ask him where the $10 million bucks he embezzled from me is'. The attorney, using sign language, asks the bookkeeper where the money is?

The bookkeeper signs back: 'I don't know what you are talking about'. The attorney tells the Godfather: 'He says he doesn't know what you're talking about'. The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to the bookkeeper's temple and says, 'Ask him again'! The attorney signs to the bookkeeper: 'He'll kill you if you don't tell him'! The bookkeeper signs back: 'OK! OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Enzo's backyard in Queens'!

The Godfather asks the attorney: 'Well, what'd he say'? The attorney replies: 'He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger'.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 9.13/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (16)

If you ever fall in love

If you ever fall in love… fall in love with someone who wants to know your favorite color and just how you like your coffee. Fall in love with someone who loves the way you laugh and would do absolutely anything to hear it. Fall in love with someone who puts their head on your chest just to hear your heart beat. Fall in love with someone who kisses you in public and is proud to show you off to anyone they know. Fall in love with someone who makes you question why you were afraid to fall in love in the first place. Fall in love with someone who would never ever want to hurt you. Fall in love with someone who falls in love with your flaws and thinks you are perfect just the way you are. Fall in love with someone who thinks that you are the ONE they would love to wake up to each day.
#joke #drinks #coffee
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 26 March 2016
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

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