Jokes of the day for Monday, 15 February 2021
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 15 February 2021 |
Q: Why did the Police Offi
Q: Why did the Police Officer put a bra on the road?
A: To put a booby trap.
Ballerina Toes
Ballerinas are always on their toes...
Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?
A mother took her little boy t
A mother took her little boy to church. While in church the little boy said, "Mommy, I have to pee."The mother said to the little boy, "It's not appropriate to say the word 'pee' in church. So, from now on whenever you have to 'pee' just tell me that you have to 'whisper'.”
The following Sunday, the little boy went to church with his father and during the service said to his father, "Daddy, I have to whisper."
The father looked at him and said, "Okay, just whisper in my ear."
Some new vocabulary
arachnoleptic fit, noun:
The frantic dance performed just after you've accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug, noun:
Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
bozone, noun:
The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down at any time in the future.
cashtration, noun:
The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
caterpallor, noun:
The color you turn after finding half a grub in the fruit you're eating.
dopelar effect, noun:
(1) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
(2) The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when they come at you rapidly.
extraterrestaurant, noun:
An eating place where you feel you've been abducted and experimented on. Also known as ETry.
foreploy, noun:
Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
Grantartica, noun:
The cold, isolated place where arts companies without funding dwell.
intaxication, noun:
Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
kinstirpation, noun:
A painful inability to get rid of relatives who come to visit.
lullabuoy, noun:
An idea that keeps floating into your head and prevents you from drifting off to sleep.
Two old women were sitting on
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buseswere running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned tothe other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my buttfell asleep!'.The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"
A guy goes into a drugstore to...
A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms."What size?" asks the clerk.
"Gee, I don't know."
"Go see Sophie in aisle 4."
He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the crotch, and yells, "Medium!"
The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and leaves quickly.
Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4. Sophie grabs him and yells,
"Large!"
The guy struts over to the register, pays, and leaves.
A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.
"What size?"
The kid embarrassedly says, "I've never done this before. I don't know what size."
The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4.
She grabs him and yells,
"Clean up in aisle 4!"
A stage....
During a performance for the high school talent show at the local theater, a hole was cracked in the stage floor. Subsequent acts managed to avoid the damaged area until little Freddy, juggling bowling pins, accidentally stepped through the hole up to his knee.
He apologized to the audience for his clumsiness. But a heckler in the back of the theater shouted:
"Don't worry, Freddy! It's just a stage you're going through!"
Greatest Comedian in the Bible
Q. Who was the greatest comedian in the Bible?
A. Samson. He brought the house down.
Getting to Heaven from the Post Office
A preacher, newly called to a small country town, needed to mail a letter. Passing a young boy on the street, the pastor asked where he could find the post office. After getting his answer, the minister thanked the boy and said, “If you’ll come to the community church this evening, you can hear me tell everyone how to get to heaven.” “I don’t know, sir,” the boy replied. “You don’t even know how to get to the post office!”There was once a man who lived...
There was once a man who lived in a poor country. He went to law school and became a very intelligent person. Years later, he decided to go back to his country to show them how worthy he is. He started his own office. The next day, he saw a man walking into his office. He picked up the phone and gestered the man to come in and pretended he was talking to very famous people and cancelling meetings with presidents, etc. After he put down the phone several minutes later, he apologized to the man and said, "Sorry to keep you waiting. As you can see, I'm a very busy man. What can I do for you?" The man smiled and said, "I'm from the telephone company. I'm here to hook up you phone."What does the starship enterpr...
What does the starship enterprise and tiolet paper have in common?They both circle around uranus and wipe out klingons.
The only way to pull off a Sun...
The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities.He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation."There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.A few moments passed.
"An ambulance just drove by."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out."Matt's riding a new bike."
A few moments later, "Looks like the Sanders are moving.""Jason is on his skate board."
A few more moments, "The Coopers are having sex."
Startled, his mother and dad shot up in bed. Dad cautiously called out, "How do you know they are having sex?"
"Jimmy Cooper is standing on his balcony with a popsicle too."
Mike Birbiglia: Illiterate People
I shouldnt say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.It's great to be a guy
Reasons why it's great to be a guy
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Monday Night Football.
Your bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
You can open all your own jars.
Old friends don't annoy you if you've lost or gained weight.
Dry cleaners and haircutters don't rob you blind.
When clicking through the channel, you don't have to stall on every shot of someone crying.
A beer gut does not make you invisible to the opposite sex.
Guys in hockey masks don't attack you.
You don't have to lug a bag of useful stuff around everywhere you go.
You can go to the bathroom without a support group.
Your last name stays put.
You can leave a hotel bed unmade.
When your work is criticized, you don't have to panic that everyone secretly hates you.
You can kill your own food.
The garage is all yours.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
You see the humor in Terms of Endearment.
You never have to clean the toilet.
You can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
If someone forgets to invite you to something, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $10 for a three pack.
The National College Cheerleading Championship
None of your co-workers have the power to make you cry.
You don't have to shave below your neck.
If you're 34 and single nobody notices.
Everything on your face stays its original color.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers fix everything.
You never have to worry about other people's feelings.
You can wear a white shirt to a water park.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
You can eat a banana in a hardware store.
You can say anything and not worry about what people think.
Michael Bolton doesn't live in your universe.
You can whip your shirt off on a hot day.
You don't have to clean your apartment if the meter reader is coming by.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
You don't care if someone notices your new haircut.
You can watch a game in silence with your buddy for hours without even thinking: He must be mad at me.
You never misconstrue innocuous statements to mean your lover is about to leave you.
You get to jump up and slap stuff.
One mood, all the time.
You can admire Clint Eastwood without starving yourself to look like him.
You know at least 20 ways to open a beer bottle.
Same work....more pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding Dress $2000; Tux rental $100.
You don't care if someone is talking about you behind your back.
You don't mooch off others' desserts.
The remote is yours and yours alone.
People never glance at your chest when you're talking to them.
ESPN's sports center.
You can drop by to see a friend without bringing a little gift.
You have a normal and healthy relationship with your mother.
You needn't pretend you're "freshening up" to go to the bathroom.
If you don't call your buddy when you say you will, he won't tell your friends you've changed.
Someday you'll be a dirty old man.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, you might become lifelong buddies.
Princess Di's death was almost just another obituary.
If something mechanical didn't work, you can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
You don't have to remember everyone's birthdays and anniversaries.
Your pals can be trusted never to trap you with: "So... notice anything different?"
Baywatch
There is always a game on somewhere.