Jokes of the day for Monday, 12 April 2021

One salesgirl in a candy store

One salesgirl in a candy store always had customers lined up waiting while other girls stood around idle.
The store owner asked for her secret.
"It's easy," she said. "The others scoop up more than a pound and then start taking away. I scoop up less, then add to it."

I Don't Deserve an 'F'

A student burst into his professor’s office and says, "Professor Stigler, I don't believe I deserve this 'F' grade that you've given me!"

To which Professor Stigler replied, "I agree, but unfortunately it is the lowest grade the University will allow me to award."

Things to ponder...

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him - Is he still wrong?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do 'practice?'

When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be removed?

Where do forest rangers go to 'get away from it all?'

What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

A Bunny Story

Once upon a time there was a man who was peacefully driving down a windy road. Suddenly, a bunny skipped across the road and the man couldn't stop. He hit the bunny head on. The man quickly jumped out of his car to check the scene. There, lying lifeless in the middle of the road, was the Easter Bunny.
The man cried out, "Oh no! I have committed a terrible crime! I have run over the Easter Bunny!"
The man started sobbing quite hard and then he heard another car approaching. It was a woman in a red convertible. The woman stopped and asked what the problem was.The man explained, "I have done something horribly sad. I have run over the Easter Bunny. Now there will be no one to deliver eggs on Easter, and it's all my fault."
The woman ran back to her car. A moment later, she came back carrying a spray bottle. She ran over to the motionless bunny and sprayed it. The bunny immediately sprang up, ran into the woods, stopped, and waved back at the man and woman. Then it ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved. It then ran another 10 feet, stopped, and waved again. It did this over and over and over again until the man and the woman could no longer see the bunny.
Once out of sight, the man exclaimed, "What is that stuff in that bottle?"
The woman replied, "It's harespray. It revitalizes hare and adds permanent wave."

Don't Step on the Ducks

Three guys die together in an accident and go to heaven. When they get there, St. Peter says, "We only have one rule here in heaven: Don't step on the ducks!"So they enter heaven, and sure enough, there are ducks all over the place. It is almost impossible not to step on a duck, and although they try their best to avoid them, the first guy accidentally steps on one.Along comes St. Peter with the ugliest woman he has ever seen. St. Peter chains them together and says, "Your punishment for stepping on a duck is to spend eternity chained to the ugly woman!"The next day, the second guy steps accidentally on a duck, and along comes St. Peter, who doesn't miss a thing, and with him is another extemely ugly woman. He chains them together with the same admonishment as for the first guy.The third guy has observed all this and not wanting to be chained for all eternity to an ugly woman, is very, VERY careful where he steps. He manages to go months without stepping on any ducks, but one day St. Peter comes up to him with the most gorgeous woman he has ever laid eyes on: a very tall, tan, curvaceous, sexy blonde. St. Peter chains them together without saying a word.The guy remarks, "I wonder what I did to deserve being chained to you for all of eternity?" She says, "I don't know about you, but I stepped on a duck!"

Facts of life...

Morris asks his son, now aged 13, if he knows about the birds and the bees. "I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. Confused, the father asked his son what was wrong.

"Oh dad," he sobbed, "at age six I got the 'there's no Santa' speech. At age seven I got the 'there's no Easter bunny' speech. Then at age 8 you hit me with the 'there's no tooth fairy' speech! If you're going to tell me now that grown-ups don't really have sex, I've got nothing left to live for!"

Borrowing A Mule

There was a guy in the middle of the desert and his car broke down.

He started walking and he came to a monastery, where he asked them if he could borrow a mule.

The monks lent him one, and they explained that you had to say "Thank the Lord!" to make it go and "Amen!" to make it stop.

So the man said, "Thank the Lord, thank the Lord and thank the Lord!" and the mule took off! He was coming to the edge of a cliff and he forgot how to make it stop.

Finally, at the very edge he remembered, "Amen!" The guy was so relieved he shouted, "Thank the Lord!"

“People are choosing ...

“People are choosing cremation over traditional burial. It shows that they are thinking out of the box.”

Immaculate Misconception

A woman starts dating a doctor. Before too long, she becomes pregnant and they don't know what to do. About nine months later, just about the time she is going to give birth, a priest goes into the hospital for a prostate gland infection.

The doctor says to the woman: "I know what we'll do. After I've operated on the priest, I'll give the baby to him and tell him it was a miracle."

"Do you think it will work?" she asks.

"It's worth a try," he says.

So, the doctor delivers the baby and then operates on the priest. After the operation he goes in to the priest and says: "Father, you're not going to believe this."

"What happened?" asks the priest.

"You gave birth to a child!"

"But that's impossible!" says the priest.

"I just did the operation," insists the doctor. "It's a miracle! Here's your baby."

About 15 years go by, and the priest realizes he must tell his son the truth. One day, he sits the boy down and says: "Son, I have something to tell you. I'm not your father."

The son says: "What do you mean, you're not my father?"

The priest replies: "I am your mother. The archbishop is your father."

Cow and grass

Teacher: "I asked you to draw a cow and grass, but I only see a cow. Where is grass?"
Student: "The cow ate the grass, sir."

The results of your bold test

Doctor: “The results of your bold test have come in.”

“You mean blood test?”

“Hm, must be a Type-O.”

Author FinalCaveat user

Just like mom

Manny is almost 29 years old. His friends have already gotten married, but Manny still just dates and dates.

Finally, a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone who suits you?"

"No," Manny replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them. So I keep on looking!"

"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's just like your dear ole Mother?"

Many weeks go by and again Manny and his friend get together. "So, Manny, did you find that perfect girl yet--one that's just like your Mother?"

Manny shrugs his shoulders, "Yes, I found one just like Mom. And my mother loved her, and they became fast friends."

So should I congratulate you? "Are you and this girl engaged, yet?"

"I'm afraid not. My Father can't stand her!"

Wrong wish

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another fellow and immediately notices that the guy has a very large disposable Bic cigarette lighter. The first guy says: "Wow, cool lighter. Where did you get it?"
The second guy replies: "A genie from a bottle granted me one wish."
"Great, can I try it?" the first guy asks.
"Sure," the second guy replies.
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. "You are granted one wish," says the genie.
The first guy says: "I want a million bucks!"
"Done," says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by, and suddenly the bar door swings open and thousands and thousands of ducks start pouring in.
"I can't believe this," says the first guy: "I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!"
The second guy turns to him and says: "Do you really think I wished for a 12-inch Bic?"

Winding up the tough guy

I was sitting at a bar one time, when I noticed that, next to me, an old drunk was hassling one of the biggest, toughest guys I'd ever seen.

The old guy was clearly blasted, and kept getting in the tough guy's face, say, "I fucked your mother."

Despite being huge and jacked, the tough guy just kept shrugging it off. The old guy laughed in the tough guy's face, saying it again. "Hey, I fucked your mother."

Then, the old man even poked him, and repeated himself, "No seriously, I fucked your mother."

At this point, finally, the tough guy had had enough. He grabbed the old man by his jacket and began to pull him out of the bar, yelling,

"That's it. We're going home, Dad. You're drunk."

Forgot

I was going to do something, then i got distracted for 5 seconds and forgot.