Jokes of the day for Thursday, 06 May 2021
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 06 May 2021 |
A man took off with his family
A man took off with his family to tour the country. When he returned, his next door neighbour asked how he enjoyed the vacation."Well," he replied, "have you ever spent three weeks in a mini-van with those you thought you loved?"
Dentist Knows Best
Dentist: "You need a crown."
Patient: "Finally, someone who understands me."
The Vase
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
Ski season...
Ski season is almost here! Hence, the following list ofexercises to get you prepared:16. Visit your local butcher and pay $30 to sit in the walk-in freezer for a half an hour. Afterwards, burn two $50dollar bills to warm up.
15. Soak your gloves and store them in the freezer afterevery use.
14. Fasten a small, wide rubber band around the top half ofyour head before you go to bed each night.
13. If you wear glasses, begin wearing them with glue smearedon the lenses.
12. Throw away a hundred dollar bill-now.
11. Find the nearest ice rink and walk across the ice 20times in your ski boots carrying two pairs of skis, accessorybag and poles. Pretend you are looking for your car.Sporadically drop things.
10. Place a small but angular pebble in your shoes, line themwith crushed ice, and then tighten a C-clamp around yourtoes.
9. Buy a new pair of gloves and immediately throw one away.
8. Secure one of your ankles to a bedpost and ask a friend torun into you at high speed.
7. Go to McDonald's and insist on paying $8.50 for ahamburger. Be sure you are in the longest line.
6. Clip a lift ticket to the zipper of your jacket and ride amotorcycle fast enough to make the ticket lacerate your face.
5. Drive slowly for five hours - anywhere - as long as it'sin a snowstorm and you're following an 18-wheeler.
4. Fill a blender with ice, hit the pulse button and let thespray blast your face. Leave the ice on your face until itmelts. Let it drip into your clothes.
3. Dress up in as many clothes as you can and then proceed totake them off because you have to go to the bathroom.
2. Slam your thumb in a car door. Don't go see a doctor.
1. Repeat all of the above every Saturday and Sunday untilit's time for the real thing!
A drunk stumbles along a bapti
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by theriver. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to thePreacher.The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are youready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yes, Preacher... I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right backup. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"No, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up andsays, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"No, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds thistime, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man,have you found Jesus yet?"
The old drunk wipes his eyes and asks the preacher... "Are you sure this iswhere he fell in?"
Morality
If electricity comes from electrons... does that mean that morality comes from morons?A Blonde goes over to her fri
A Blonde goes over to her friend's houseWearing a T.G.I.F. T-shirt.'Why are you wearing a Thank GodIt's Friday tee-shirt on Monday?'
'Oh crap!' the blonde says. 'I didn'tRealize it was a religious T-shirt. I thought it meant Tits Go In Front'
Team Spirit
At one point during a game, the coach said to one of his young players, "Do you understand what cooperation is? What a team is?"
The little boy nodded in the affirmative.
"Do you understand that what matters is whether we win together as a team?"
The little boy nodded yes.
"So," the coach continued, "when a strike is called, or you're out at first, you don't argue or curse or attack the umpire. Do you understand all that?"
Again the little boy nodded.
"Good," said the coach.
"Now go over there and explain it to your mother."
There are no races, only count...
There are no races, only countries of people Chuck Norris has beaten to different shades of black and blue.A couple pulled into the drive...
A couple pulled into the driveway after their first date. The guy leans over and gives the girl a long, slow kiss. While he's kissing her, he quietly unzips his pants, takes her hand, and puts it on his penis.When she realizes what it is, she screams, jumps out of the car, and yells back at him as she starts closing the car door, "I've got just two words for you, Drop Dead!!"
"And I've got two words for you too," the guy shrieks, "LET GO!!!!"
He Knows
As we were putting out cookies for Santa on Christmas Eve, I accidentally dropped one. "No problem," I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.
"You can't do that," argued my four-year-old.
"Don't worry. Santa will never know."
He shot me a look. "So he knows if I've been bad or good, but he doesn't know if you dropped a cookie on the floor?"
Nun of Your Business
While shopping in a food store, two nuns happened to pass by the beer, wine, and liquor section. One asked the other if she would like a beer.
The second nun answered that, indeed, it would be very nice to have one, but that she would feel uncomfortable purchasing it.
The first nun replied that she would handle it without a problem. She picked up a six-pack and took it to the cashier. The cashier was surprised, so the nun said, This is for washing our hair.
Without blinking an eye, the cashier reached under the counter and put a package of pretzel sticks in the bag with the beer.
The curlers are on me.
What are the three words tha...
- What are the three words that are most often found in the inscriptions in the world?- "I love you".
- Not really. Those three words are "Made in China"!