Jokes of the day for Saturday, 15 May 2021

Three women were returning to

Three women were returning to their Hungarian village when they spotted a man, obviously very inebriated, walking ahead of them.
As they watched him stumbling, he fell face down into a mud puddle. When they walked up to him, one woman turned him over to see if she recognized him.
However, his face was so covered with mud that she bent over and unzipped his pants.
She remarked, "Well, he's not my husband."
The second woman peering over her shoulder agreed, "Your right, he's not your husband."
The third woman, somewhat older than the other two, bent over to look and said, "He's not from our village."

Large Singing Group

"How much does it cost to buy a large singing group?"
“A choir?”
"Okay, fine... how much does it cost to 'acquire' a large singing group?"

When can we see the baby?

With all the new technology regarding fertility, an 88-year-old woman was able to give birth to a baby recently.

When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, various relatives came to visit. “May we see the new baby?” one of them asked.

“Not yet,” said the mother. “I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.”

Another half hour passed before another relative asked, “May we see the new baby now?”

“No, not yet,” said the mother.

A while later and again the guests asked, “May we see the baby now?”

“No, not yet,” replied the mother.

Growing impatient, they asked, “Well, when can we see the baby?”

“When it cries!” she told them.

"When it cries?” they gasped. “Why do we have to wait until it cries?”

“Because, I forgot where I put it.”

Cracking an international mark

Cracking an international market is a goal of most growing corporations. It shouldn't be that hard, yet even the big multi-nationals run into trouble because of language and cultural differences. For example, observe the following examples below.
The name Coca-Cola in China was first rendered as Ke-kou-ke-la. Unfortunately, the Coke company did not discover until after thousands of signs had been printed that the phrase means "bite the wax tadpole" or "female horse stuffed with wax" depending on the dialect. Coke then researched 40,000 Chinese characters and found a close phonetic equivalent, "ko-kou-ko-le," which can be loosely translated as "happiness in the mouth."
In Taiwan, the translation of the Pepsi slogan "Come alive with the Pepsi Generation" came out as "Pepsi will bring your ancestors back from the dead."
Also in Chinese, the Kentucky Fried Chicken slogan "finger-lickin' good" came out as "eat your fingers off."
The American slogan for Salem cigarettes, "Salem - Feeling Free," got translated in the Japanese market into "When smoking Salem, you feel so refreshed that your mind seems to be free and empty."
When General Motors introduced the Chevy Nova in South America, it was apparently unaware that "no va" means "it won't go." After the company figured out why it wasn't selling any cars, it renamed the car in its Spanish markets to the Caribe.
When Parker Pen marketed a ballpoint pen in Mexico, its ads were supposed to say "It won't leak in your pocket and embarrass you." However, the company mistakenly thought the spanish word "embarazar" meant embarrass. Instead the ads said that "It wont leak in your pocket and make you pregnant."
An American t-shirt maker in Miami printed shirts for the spanish market which promoted the Pope's visit. Instead of the desired "I Saw the Pope" in Spanish, the shirts proclaimed "I Saw the Potato."
Colgate introduced a toothpaste in France called Cue, the name of a notorious porno magazine.
In Italy, a campaign for Schweppes Tonic Water translated the name into Schweppes Toilet Water.

History of Math in America

Last week I purchased a drink at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my 2 one dollar bills. I then pulled 8 cents from my pocket and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. Why do I tell you this?
Because of the evolution in teaching math since the 1950s:
1. Teaching Math In The 1950s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?
2. Teaching Math In The 1960s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?
3. Teaching Math In The 1970s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?
4. Teaching Math In The 1980s
A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: underline the number 20.
5. Teaching Math In 1990s
A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is selfish and inconsiderate and cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of our woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down their homes? (There are no wrong answers, and if you feel like crying, it's ok.)
6. Teaching Math In The 2000s
Same question as number 5 but if you have special needs or just feel you need assistance because of race, color, religion, sex, age, childhood memories, criminal background, then don't answer and the correct answer will be provided for you.
7. Teaching Math In 2011
Un hachero vende una carrtada de maderapara 100 pesos. El costo de la producciones es 80 pesos. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

A Recently Spotted Bumper Sticker:

"I believe in dragons, good men and other fantasy creatures."

When Chuck Norris does divisio...

When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.

Recyclables

A Canadian was in France, out of his wallet he removed a stick of gum he had from the airport in Canada and started to chew it. He walked into a French coffee shop and sat himself beside an English speaking French man.

Frenchman: In Canada, what do you do with your used tires?

Canadian: We send 'em to France to get turned into paper plates.

French man: What do you do with your used plastic bags?

Canadian: (after blowing a huge bubble) We send 'em to France to get turned into picket fences. Hey, what do you do with your used crazy glue?

French man: We send it to Canada to get turned into bubble gum!

Brian Regan: Einstein

They always say that Albert Einstein was a genius. Then how come when anyone ever calls you that, its an insult? You dont know where you parked the car? Good job, Einstein. I dont think were honoring that man properly by using his name in vain in parking lots.

Late Bus

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus. The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed. Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!'.
The other woman turned to her and said "I know! I heard it snoring!"  

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

Proof Positive It's Not Fake News – Part 6

Proof Positive It's Not Fake News

A Meticulous Plan Goes Completely Wrong

A doctor at an insane asylum decided to take his patients to a baseball game.

For weeks in advance, he coached his patients to respond to his commands.

When the day of the game arrived, everything went quite well. As the national anthem started, the doctor yelled, “Up Nuts”, and the patients complied by standing up. After the anthem, he yelled, “Down Nuts”, and they all sat back down in their seats.

After a home run was hit, the doctor yelled, “Cheer Nuts” They all broke out into applause and cheered. When the umpire made a particularly bad call against the star of the home team, the Doctor yelled, “Booooo Nuts” and they all started booing and cat calling.

Comfortable with their response, the doctor decided to go get a beer and a hot dog, leaving his assistant in charge. When he returned, there was a riot in progress.

Finding his missing assistant, the doctor asked:” What in the world happened?”

The assistant replied: “Well everything was going just fine until this guy walked by and yelled, “PEANUTS!”

Sizing up the opportunity

A man walks into a bar with a monkey in tow. The man sits down at the bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him a beer and watches the man's monkey run around along the bar.

The monkey grabs a peanut and swallows it whole, then grabs a slice a lime and swallows that whole.

Finally, the monkey jumps onto a pool table, grabs the cue ball and manages to shove it in his mouth then swallow it whole as well. The bartender asks the man, "You see what your monkey's done?"

The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells the man and the man apologizes, pays for the damage done and leaves with his monkey.

The bartender doesn't see the man at the bar for a month, but the man does return with the same monkey in tow.

The man asks for a beer, and the bartender obliges. The monkey proceeds to jump up on the bar, grabs a cherry, shoves it up his butt then takes it out and swallows it whole.

The bartender says to the man, "You see what your monkey's done?!"

The man looks up from his beer and says, "No...what's he done now?" The bartender tells him.

The man replies, "Yeah, he does that now...After the cue ball he checks to make sure he can get it out before he swallows it."

A Birthday Wish

Little Sonia was shouting her prayers. "Please God send me a new doll for my birthday.
"Her mother, overhearing this, said, "Don't shout dear, God isn't deaf."
"No, but Grandad is, and he's in the next room," Sonia replied.