Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 02 June 2021

Worms

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar of soil.
After one day, these were the results:
The first worm in alcohol - dead.
Second worm in cigarette smoke - dead.
Third worm in sperm - dead.
Fourth worm in soil - alive.
So the Science teacher asked the class - "What can you learn from this experiment."

Little Johnny quickly raised his hand and said - "As long as you drink, smoke and have sex, you won't have worms."      

A man put his car in reverse a

A man put his car in reverse and accidentally drove it into a wall. He took it to his mechanic, who replaced the dented bumper.
A few days later, he actually did it again. "I'm so embarrassed," he moaned to his wife while he reached for the phone.
"Why not tell him it was me this time?" his wife suggested.
"I could," he said while dialing, "but that's what I told him last time."

Where Did She Go?

An elderly woman in her nineties had a visitor from her church come to see her at the nursing home. “How are you?” the visitor asked. “Oh,” said the elderly woman, “I’m just worried sick!”“You look like you’re in good health. They take good care of you here, don’t they?”“Oh, yes, they take good care of me here.”“Do you have any pain?” the visitor asked.“No, I can’t say I do,” the elderly woman replied.“Then what has you worried sick?” the visitor asked.The elderly woman leaned in and explained, “All of my closest friends have already died and gone to heaven. I’m sure they are all wondering where I went!”

Little League Etiquette

“Look, Charlie,” the coach said, “you know the principles of good sportsmanship. You know the Little League doesn’t allow temper tantrums, shouting at the umpire, or abusive language.”
“Yes sir, I understand.”
“Good, Charlie. Now, would you explain that to your father?”

Anyone crossing the Lone Star

Anyone crossing the Lone Star State on foot surely Texas time.

Pop N. Fresh dies

Veteran Pillsbury spokesman Pop N. Fresh died Wednesday of a severe yeast infection He was 71.

He was buried Friday in one of the biggest funerals in years. Dozens of celebrities turned out including Mrs. Butterworth, the California Raisins, Hungry Jack, Betty Crocker, and the Hostess Twinkies The graveside was piled high with flours, as longtime friend Aunt Jemima delivered the eulogy, describing Fresh as a man who "never knew he was kneaded".

Fresh rose quickly in show business, but his later life was filled with turnovers. He was not considered a smart cookie, and wasted much of his dough on half-baked schemes. Still, even as a crusty old man, he was a roll model to millions. Fresh is survived by his second wife. They had two children, and... one in the oven.

When ghosts go camping, they s...

When ghosts go camping, they sit around the fire and tell Chuck Norris stories.

Behind every successful man, t...

Behind every successful man, there is a woman. Behind every dead man, there is Chuck Norris.

Can I take his place?

An attorney telephoned the governor just after midnight, insisting that he talk to him regarding a matter of utmost urgency.

An aide eventually agreed to wake up the governor.

"So, what is it?" grumbled the governor.

"Judge Garber has just died" said the attorney, "and I want to take his place."

The governor replied: "Well, it's OK with me if it's OK with the undertaker."

Women And Golf

2 women were playing golf. On the third hole there was a 4 men in front of them but about 175 yards down the fairway.
The first woman said i'll tee off he is far enough away. She hit the drive of her life, like a shot straight down the faraway. She screamed fore at the top of her lungs and as the men turned one was hit solidly. He was rolling on the ground in pain with his hands between his legs.
She ran to him, apologizing and saying "let me help I am a physical therapist." He protested but she got him to put his hands at his side. She unzipped his pants and began massaging him.
"How does that feel?" she asked. He said, "Great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."

Really funny jokes- Classified classics

A compilation of hilarious classified classics!!!
** A superb and economical restaurant. Fine food, expertly served by waitresses in appetizing forms.
** No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
** Sale! Sale! An antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
** We don't tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.
** Great chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
** Toaster: A gift that every member of the family appreciates. Automatically burns toast.
** Dinner Special - Turkey $2.75; Chicken or Beef $2.50; Children $2.00.
** Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

My wife and I went to the Coun...

My wife and I went to the County Agricultural Show and one of the first exhibits we stopped at was the breeding bulls. We went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 50 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife playfully nudged me in the ribs ..... Smiled and said, "He mated 50 times last year, that's almost once a week".
We walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 150 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife gave me a healthy jab and said, "WOW~~That's more than twice a week! .......... You could learn a lot from him".
We walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that said:
THIS BULL MATED 365 TIMES LAST YEAR
My wife was so excited that her elbow nearly broke my ribs, and said,"That's once a day .. You could REALLY learn something from this one".
I looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow".
My condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and the doctors say I should eventually make a full recovery.

International Firefighters' Day jokes

International Firefighters' Day (IFFD) is observed on May 4. Check out some firefighters jokes.

What happened to the firefighter who wasn't doing well in his job?
He got fired!

Daddy, which letter firefighters hates the most?
R, son.

What do cops and firefighters have in common?
They both wanted to be firefighters.

Firefighters go to rescue a woman from an upper floor of a burning apartment building. The firefighters say look, we have two ways to get you out. We have this new technology that allows us to form a fireproof slide that can take you down the stairs. Or, you can just come out the window with us and go down the way we've always done it.
The lady says, "The former seems interesting, but I think I'll choose the ladder."

Working from home sucks...
....if you’re a firefighter.

Little Johnny's preschool class went on a field trip to the fire station.
The firefighter giving the presentation held up a smoke detector and asked the class:
"Does anyone know what this is?"
Little Johnny's hand shot up and the firefighter called on him.
Little Johnny replied: "That's how Mommy knows supper is ready!"

Firefighters recovered just the bottom of one shoe after the shoe factory burned down It was the sole survivor.

My lesbian neighbors gave me a...

My lesbian neighbors gave me a Rolex for my birthday. It's nice, but I think they misunderstood me when I said, "I wanna watch."

Comfortable

Two sisters, one blonde and one brunette, inherit the family ranch. Unfortunately, after just a few years, they are in financial trouble. In order to keep the bank from repossessing the ranch, they need to purchase a bull from the stockyard in a far town so that they can breed their own stock.

They only have $600 left. Upon leaving, the brunette tells her sister, 'When I get there, if I decide to buy the bull, I'll contact you to drive out after me and haul it home.'

The brunette arrives at the stockyard, inspects the bull, and decides she wants to buy it. The man tells her that he will sell it for $599, no less. After paying him, she drives to the nearest town to send her sister a telegram to tell her the news. She walks into the telegraph office and says, 'I want to send a telegram to my sister telling her that I've bought a bull for our ranch. I need her to hitch the trailer to our pickup truck and drive out here so we can haul it home.'

The telegraph operator explains that he'll be glad to help her, then adds, 'It's just 99 cents a word.' Well, after paying for the bull, the brunette only has $1 left. She realizes that she'll only be able to send her sister one word.

After a few minutes of thinking, she nods and says, 'I want you to send her the word 'comfortable.'

The operator shakes his head. 'How is she ever going to know that you want her to hitch the trailer to your pickup truck and drive out here to haul that bull back to your ranch if you send her just the word 'comfortable?'

The brunette explains, 'My sister's blonde. The word's big. She'll read it very slowly ... com-for-da-bull.'