Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 June 2021

Chernobyl radiation victims ca

Chernobyl radiation victims can no longer sue. There is a statute of limb-mutations. The defendants will be held armless.

So I was driving around the we

So I was driving around the west of Ireland when my car broke down.
Right up the road was a little farm, and farmer Séamus was kind enough to make me some tea and let me stay at the farm while I waited for a mechanic. We were walking around the farmstead for a bit when I spotted this tiny little pig cheerfully limping about on three legs.
"Hey! That pig has got only three legs!" I blurted out, surprised.
And Séamus said, "Ooh, that's Róisín right there. And what a special pig she is."
He continued, "Once I was out in the field on my combine harvester, and somehow my coat got caught on the door and I fell out and landed in front of the machine! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to drag me away I would have surely been mauled to death by my own machine. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"So that's how it lost its leg?" I asked, naturally.
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Just last month Siobhán, my four-year old daughter, was out playing by the well. And she fell into the well! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to pull her out I don't know how I could live with myself. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"Aha," I said. "So that's how the pig lost a leg."
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "Only last Sunday, my son Callum was out playing on the frozen lake. But the ice cracked and he fell in the ice-cold water! Oh, if Róisín hadn't been there that day to rescue him I don't know what I would have done. Ah, and what a special pig she is."
"So... I guess that must be how it lost its leg?"
"Ooh, no," Seamus said. "But you wouldn't eat a pig that special all in one go, now would ya."

80% of Married Men

Eighty percent of married men cheat in America...
The rest cheat in Europe.

The real reason that we can't...

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:
You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...
It creates a hostile work environment.

Some kids play Kick the can. C...

Some kids play Kick the can. Chuck Norris played Kick the keg.

Computer Problem Report Form

Describe your problem:

Now, describe the problem accurately:

Speculate wildly about the cause of the problem:

Problem Severity:

A. Minor

B. Minor

C. Minor

D. Trivial

Nature of the problem:

A. Locked Up

B. Frozen

C. Hung

D. Shot

Is your computer plugged in? Yes No

Is it turned on? Yes No

Have you tried to fix it yourself? Yes No

Have you made it worse? Yes

Have you read the manual? Yes No

Are you sure you've read the manual? Yes No

Are you absolutely certain you've read the manual? No

Do you think you understood it? Yes No

If `Yes' then why can't you fix the problem yourself?

How tall are you? Are you above this line?

What were you doing with your computer at the time the problem occurred?

If `nothing' explain why you were logged in.

Are you sure you aren't imagining the problem? Yes No

How does this problem make you feel?

Tell me about your childhood

Do you have any independent witnesses of the problem? Yes No

Can't you do something else, instead of bothering me? Yes

Fred & Saddam

Q: How is Saddam like Fred Flintstone?

A: Both look out their windows and see Rubble.

Juston McKinney: Parking Tickets in New York

The first ticket I got in Manhattan I thought was a misprint. Im like, No, this has got to be a mistake. You put a quarter in the meter out there and it runs out, its a $55 fine. Thats a little excessive. Now, I could see it if you parked in a handicapped persons living room, but not for the meter running out. It goes from 25 cents to $55. Thats a 22,000% increase.