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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 04 July 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 04 July 2021

Dwarf i

Dwarf infomercial: “Wait, that's not tall!“
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

A young couple got married and

A young couple got married and left on their honeymoon. When they got back, the bride immediately called her mother. Her mother asked, "How was the honeymoon?"
"Oh, Mum," she replied, "the honeymoon was wonderful! So romantic..."
Suddenly she burst out crying. "But, Mum, as soon as we returned Sam started using the most horrible language...things I'd never heard before! I mean, all these awful 4-letter words! You've got to come get me and take me home.... Please Mum!"
"Sarah," her mother said, "calm down! Tell me, what could be so awful? What 4-letter words?"
"Please don't make me tell you, Mum," wept the daughter, "I'm so embarrassed, they're just too awful! Come get me, please!"
"Darling, you must tell me what has you so upset. Tell your mother these horrible 4-letter words!"
Still sobbing, the bride said, "Oh, Mum, they were words like dust, wash, iron, cook!"
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #40 - Funny Photo Slideshow

1000 Points to Get Into Heaven

A man dies and goes to heaven when Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. Peter says, “You need 1000 points to make it into heaven. You tell me all of the good things you’ve done, and I give you a certain number of points for each item. When you reach 1000 points, you get in.”“Okay,” the man says, “I was happily married to the same woman for fifty years and never cheated on her, not even in my mind.”“That’s wonderful,” says Peter, “that’s worth two points!”“Two points?” he says. “Well, I attended church all my life and gave my ten percent tithe faithfully.”“Terrific!” says Peter. “That’s definitely worth a point.”“One point? My goodness! Well, what about this: I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter for the homeless?”“Fantastic, that’s good for two more points,” he says.“TWO POINTS!” the man cries. “At this rate the only way I can get into heaven is by the grace of God!”“Now that’s what we’re looking for! Come on in!”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.59/10

Rating: 7.6/10 (17)

My Cat Speaks

I told my cat that I'm going to teach him to speak English.
He looked at me and said, "Me, How?"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

Follow in my footsteps...

On the way to preschool, a doctor had left his stethoscope on the car seat, and his little girl picked it up and began playing with it.

"Be still, my heart," thought the doctor. "My daughter wants to follow in my footsteps!"

Then the child spoke into the instrument, "Welcome to McDonald's. May I take your order?"

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 23 July 2015
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

Everybody I know who has a dog

Everybody I know who has a dog usually calls him "Rover" or "Spot". I call mine Sex. Now, Sex has been very embarrassing to me.
When I went to the City Hall to renew the dog's license, I told the clerk that I would like a license for Sex.
He said, "I would like to have one too!"
Then I said, "But she is a dog!"
He said he didn't care what she looked like.
I said, "You don't understand. ... I have had Sex since I was nine years old."
He replied, "You must have been quite a strong boy."
When I decided to get married, I told the minister that I would like to have Sex at the wedding.
He told me to wait until after the wedding was over.
I said, "But Sex has played a big part in my life and my whole world revolves around Sex."
He said he didn't want to hear about my personal life and would not marry us in his church.
I told him everyone would enjoy having Sex at the wedding.
The next day we were married at the Justice of the Peace. My family was barred from the church from then on.
When my wife and I went on our honeymoon, I took the dog with me.
When we checked into the motel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for me and my wife and a special room for Sex.
He said that every room in the motel is a place for sex.
I said, "You don't understand. ... Sex keeps me awake at night."
The clerk said, "Me too!"
One day I entered Sex in a contest. But before the competition began, the dog ran away.
Another contestant asked me why I was just looking around.
I told him that I was going to have Sex in the contest.
He said that I should have sold my own tickets.
"You don't understand," I said, "I hoped to have Sex on TV."
He called me a show off.
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog.
I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married but Sex left me after I was married."
The Judge said, "Same here!"
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking all over for her. A cop came over and asked me what I was doing in the alley at 4 o'clock in the morning.
I said, "I'm looking for Sex." -- My case comes up next Thursday.
Well now I've been thrown in jail, been divorced and had more damn troubles with that dog than I ever foresaw.
Why just the other day when I went for my first session with the psychiatrist, she asked me, "What seems to be the trouble?"
I replied, "Sex has been my best friend all my life but now it has left me forever. I can't live any longer being so lonely."
And the doctor said, "Look mister, you should understand that sex isn't a man's best friend so go get yourself a dog."
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 04 July 2015
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

Arj Barker: 4th of July

I read this on the Internet -- did you know that 4th of July is more popular in this country than in any other country in the whole world?
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 July 2010
  • Currently 3.80/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (69)

Jesus Is Watching You!

There was a burglar who broke into a home and started to gather the items he wanted to take. All of a sudden he heard, "Jesus is watching you!" He didn't see anything in the dark house, so he went on with what he was doing.
He heard, "Jesus is watching you!" again and then he really wondered who wassaying that. He turned on the flashlight, scanned the room, and finally saw a parrot.
"Did you say that?" asked the burgler.
"Yes," replied the parrot.
"By the way, what's your name?" the burgler inquired."Moses," answered the parrot.
"That's a strange name for a parrot. Who named you that?"
"The same people who named their rotweiller Jesus!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 July 2010
  • Currently 6.82/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (49)

Someone Really Stinks


A young couple were on their honeymoon. The husband was sitting in the bathroom on the edge of the bathtub saying to himself, "Now how can I tell my wife that I've got really smelly feet and that my socks absolutely stink? I've managed to keep it from her while we were dating, but she's bound to find out sooner or later that my feet stink. Now how do I tell her?"
Meanwhile, the wife was sitting in the bed saying to herself, "Now how do I tell my husband that I've got really bad breath? I've been very lucky to keep it from him while we were courting, but as soon as he's lived with me for a week, he's bound to find out. Now how do I tell him gently?"
The husband finally plucks up enough courage to tell his wife and so he walks into the bedroom. He walks over to the bed, climbs over to his wife, puts his arm around her neck, moves his face very close to hers and says, "Darling, I've a confession to make."
And she says, "So have I, love."
To which he replies, "Don't tell me, you've eaten my socks."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 04 July 2011
  • Currently 4.54/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (48)

Tall grass

How does a Scotsman find a sheep in tall grass?

Very satisfying.

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by calamjo

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 July 2010
  • Currently 5.64/10

Rating: 5.6/10 (39)

Iliza Shlesinger: Bumper Sticker

It said, War Is Not the Answer. I disagree. I think war absolutely is the answer. And if you dont agree with me, happy Fourth of July.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 04 July 2012
  • Currently 4.32/10

Rating: 4.3/10 (37)

5 short jokes to prepare for Friday

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning
It's a girl and weighs 8lbs 4oz

Exactly four weeks ago, I entered into an intensive program to cut down my excessive body fat.
Remarkably, I've now reached my goal of losing 50% of my weight,
and they're transferring me to a new facility!
It's a half weigh house.

How do you milk sheep?
With iPhone accessories.

Bros don't let other bros walk around with an open fly.
It's called the zip code.

If you drive a Subaru in reverse, what are you?
U r a bus

#joke #short #friday
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Four Things

What do a hurricane, a tornado, a fire and a divorce have in common?

They are four ways you can lose your house!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 19 December 2015
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

A man can sleep around

A man can sleep around, no questions asked, but if a woman makes nineteen or twenty mistakes she's a tramp.

Joan Rivers (1933-2014)

Picture: REX FEATURES

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 January 2015
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (1)

My sister was tellin...

“My sister was telling me about our cousin. I have to say, he sounds familia.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 23 August 2016
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (7)

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