Jokes of the day for Saturday, 24 July 2021
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 24 July 2021 |
The animals that most enjoy ha
The animals that most enjoy having no clothes are the amphibians. They like being newt.A man goes to a sperm bank and
A man goes to a sperm bank and says, "I'd like to make a deposit please."The doctor says, "Go and fill this up," and gives the man a bottle.
Three days later the man returns to the sperm bank, marches into the doctor's office and says, "I've tried with my left hand and tried with my right hand. My wife has tried with her left hand and her right hand. My mother-in-law has tried with a rubber glove on and even took her teeth out and tried with her mouth -- none of us can get the top off that bottle!"
You Must Be Single
A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The cashier says: "You must be single?”
The man replied: “Wow how did you know that?”
Cashier: “Because you’re not that good looking.”
The Preacher and the Frog Princess
An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”A bowl of soup...
Randy, was on a hunting trip up in West Virginia. He became rather cold and thirsty so decided to stop in at his Mother in law's place and ask for something to drink.
When he got there, she said, "You look really cold, how about a bowl of soup."
There was a wee Vietnamese pig running around the kitchen, running up to Randy and giving him a great deal of attention. Randy commented, "That pig sure is friendly."
Bill, his father in law replied, "Arnold's not that friendly. That's his bowl you're using."
Abbott and Costello
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello (comedians), and too old to REALLY understand computers, to fully appreciate this.For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, please read on...
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, "Who's on first?" might have turned out something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I'm setting up an office in my den and I'm thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name's Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don't own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name's Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don't know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper.
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office.
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK,
let's just say I'm sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue "W".
COSTELLO: I'm going to click your blue "W" if you don't start with some straight answers. OK, forget that. Can I watch movies on the Internet?
ABBOTT: Yes, you want Real One.
COSTELLO: Maybe a real one, maybe a cartoon. What I watch is none of your business. Just tell me what I need!
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: If it's a long movie, I also want to watch reels 2, 3 and 4. Can I watch them?
ABBOTT: Of course.
COSTELLO: Great! With what?
ABBOTT: Real One.
COSTELLO: OK, I'm at my computer and I want to watch a movie. What do I do?
ABBOTT: You click the blue "1".
COSTELLO: I click the blue one what?
ABBOTT: The blue "1".
COSTELLO: Is that different from the blue "W"?
ABBOTT: The blue "1" is Real One and the blue "W" is Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: But there are three words in "office for windows"!
ABBOTT: No, just one. But it's the most popular Word in the world.
COSTELLO: It is?
ABBOTT: Yes, but to be fair, there aren't many other Words left. It pretty much wiped out all the other words out there.
COSTELLO: And that word is real one?
ABBOTT: Real One has nothing to do with Word. Real One isn't even part of Office.
COSTELLO: STOP! Don't start that again. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That's right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What's bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with computer. How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn't it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
(A few days later)
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on "START".........
If you have five dollars and C...
If you have five dollars and Chuck Norris has five dollars, Chuck Norris has more money than you.Joe Mande: Vegan Sexual
I saw this hilarious news story on TV recently about vegan sexuals. Have you guys heard of that term? I did not make that up. That is a real thing. A vegan sexual, according to this news story, is a vegan whos decided he or she is only going to have sex with other vegans. And when I saw that, I was like, Oh, thats weird, cause I thought we already had a word for that, and it was vegans. No one wants to have sex with a vegan.Answering Machine Message 205
Hello. If you're calling with bad news, leave your message now. If it's good news, wait for the tone.
Cook
Q: How can you tell if a blond is a good cook?A: She
gets the poptart out of the toaster in one piece.
Dennis Gaxiola: Trophy Wife
I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if youre married thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.Lewis Black: Absolute Faith
You cant deny the faith of these people that we fight: its absolute. They believe that if they kill themselves, theyll be met in heaven with 70-some-odd virgins. Imagine that kind of faith -- to think that that would happen, when I havent met one on earth.The Unacceptable Tax Return
This example shows the importance of accuracy when submitting your tax return. The IRS returned the Tax Return submitted by a New York City man implying that he answered one of the questions incorrectly.
In response to the question, 'List your dependents”, you wrote: '12.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crack-heads, 4.4 million unemployed deadbeats, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons, at least 450 idiots in Congress and those who call themselves Politicians.' The IRS responded that “this is unacceptable!”
The man's response to the IRS was: 'Who did I leave out?'
Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."