Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 17 August 2021
|Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 17 August 2021|
If you're Hindu you shouIf you're Hindu you should never let your mom drive. It's bad karma.
Glasses for Work
I came home from work last night exhausted. I said to my wife, "I need my glasses checked. I'm so nearsighted I nearly worked myself to death."
Perplexed, the wife asked, "What's being nearsighted got to do with working yourself to death?"
"I couldn't tell whether the boss was watching me or not, so I had to work the whole time!"
A man and his wife were in a fancy resturant. While ordering, they noticed that the waiter had a spoon in his shirt pocket, and after looking around, they observed the other waiters and busboys each had a similar spoon. So the husband says, "what's with the spoon?"
The waiter said,"well, we had this company come in and evaluate our time management and they found that people drop their spoon 74.8% more often than any other utensil. So if we carry one with us, we can reduce the trips back to the kitchen by 3 hours per shift.
The husband was impressed. Sure enough, he dropped his spoon during dinner and the waiter replaced it with his, stating, "I'll just get another when I go to the kitchen for something else". While ordering dessert, the husband noted that the waiter had a very thin string hanging from the fly of his pants, as did the other waiters, so the husband asks, " hey, there's a string on your pants". The waiter tells him, " not all my customers are as observant as you... the same company found that we can reduce the amount of time spent in the bathroom by 2 hours each shift if we tie a string around the end of you-know-what, and when we have to go we just unzip and pull it out with the string completely eliminating the need to wash up and saving time." The husband was impressed, but asked, " it's a good idea but how do you get it back in your pants?".
Button UpA man lost two buttons from his shirt and put them in his pants pocket. But the pocket had a hole, so the buttons fell into his shoe. Unfortunately, the shoe sole also had a hole, so he lost the buttons. As pockets with holes, holes without buttons, and shoe soles with holes are useless, the man ripped the buttonholes out of his shirt and the pocked from his pants and tossed them in the trash along with the soles of his shoes.A police officer who was observing the man asked him for some identification. The man gave the officer a document that shoed he was an ordained minister of the gospel. When the officer began to escort him to a mental institution, the minister protested violently, asking why he was receiving such unjust treatment.“Look, we both know it’s the best place for you now,” the officer replied. “Anyone claiming to be a preacher who doesn’t save souls or wear holy clothes has probably lost his buttons.”
Two long-time golfing buddies...Two long-time golfing buddies got to the course one day and decided that this day they would play the ball where it lies ... "No matter what!"
On the 14th hole, one of them sliced his drive and it ended up on the cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief, his friend said, "Wait a minute! We agreed that we would not improve our lies! Remember? No matter what!"
The first player tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, that it was in the rules of golf. But the second fellow would not allow it. Throwing up his hands in disgust, the man went to the cart and grabbed a club. As he stood near his ball, he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement and sending out showers of sparks. Finally, he took his shot. The club hit the path again, sparks went flying but his ball shot straight towards the green, landed and rolled to a stop two inches from the cup.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed. "What club did you use?"
The man gave him a wry smile, "Your 7 iron!"
Two men are trying to get in a quick eighteen holes, but there two women golfers in front of them who are taking quite a long time to play each hole.
The first guy says, "Why don't you go over and ask if we can play through?" The second guy gets about halfway there, turns and comes back. The first guy says, "What's wrong?"
He says, "One of them is my wife, and the other is my mistress."
The first guy says, "That could be a problem. I'll go over." He gets about halfway there and he turns and comes back, too.
The second guy says, "What's wrong?"
The first guy says, "Small world!"
CabbieOne dismal rainy night in Sydney a taxi driver spotted an arm waving from the shadows of an alley. Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the cab and slammed the door.
Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the back seat.
'Where to?' he stammered.
'Kings Cross,' answered the woman.
'You got it,' he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, 'Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?'
'Well, madam,' he answered, 'I was just wondering how you'll pay your fare.'
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at the driver and said,
'Does this answer your question?'
Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asked, 'Got anything smaller?'
Honey, What Did the Doctor Say?A middle aged man goes into the doctor's office for a check-up with a litany of complaints.
The doctor speaks to the man's wife alone and says, "There is nothing the matter with your husband. If you make a couple of meals for him a day, let him watch his sports. Do not complain at him too much and require him to listen. Limit his exposure to in-laws and make love to him once a week. Then, he'll probably live another 20 years."
She returns to her husband's side in the waiting room. He asks, "What did the doctor tell you?"
"You are going to be dying soon, my dear."
Felipe Esparza: Not a Threesome BodyI could never have a threesome. This is not a threesome body. This is a turn off the lights body, leave your shirt on body -- this is a tell nobody.
What did the drummer call his...What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
- Anna one, Anna two...
Improvements in HellAn engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build improvements. After awhile, they had toilets that flush, air conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.
One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down there in Hell?"
Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is going to come up with next." God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake. He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him back up here."
"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping him."
God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
A lawyer's dog, running about unleashed, beelines for the local butcher shop and steals a roast off the counter.
The butcher goes to the lawyer's office and asks, "if a dog, running unleashed, steals a piece of meat from my store, do I have a right to demand payment for the meat from the dog's owner?" "Absolutely," the lawyer responded.
The butcher immediately shot back, "Good! You owe me $7.99 for the roast your dog stole from me this morning."
The lawyer, without a word, writes the butcher a check for $7.99. A few days later, the butcher, browsing through his mail, finds an envelope from the lawyer.
The contents read
Soldier Stands Guard
A new soldier was on sentry duty at the main gate. His orders were clear. No car was to enter unless it had a special sticker on the windshield. A big Army car came up with a general seated in the back. The sentry said, "Halt, who goes there?"
The chauffeur, a corporal, says, "General Wheeler."
"I'm sorry, I can't let you through. You've got to have a sticker on the windshield."
The general said, "Drive on!"
The sentry said, "Hold it! You really can't come through. I have orders to shoot if you try driving in without a sticker."
The general repeated, "I'm telling you, son, drive on!"
The sentry walked up to the rear window and said, "General, I'm new at this. Do I shoot you or the the driver?"
10 Things Men Know About Women10 Things Men Know About Women
10.) They have breasts.