Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 August 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 August 2021 |
Workout Routine
I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day...
I do Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's in the afternoon.
Private Grief
A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"
The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."
Store Manager: "I saw you argu
Store Manager: "I saw you arguing with that customer who just left. I told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?"Salesclerk: "Yes, sir. The customer is always right."
Store Manager: "That's better. Now what were you arguing with the customer about?"
Salesclerk: "Well, sir, he said you were an idiot."
The Dead Dog
A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.
"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"
The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.
"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."
Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"
"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.
"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"
"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."
Getting the queen of daytime T
Getting the queen of daytime TV to lose weight is a complicated Oprah ration.The Wedding
Chuck Norris does not go hunti...
Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.Converting to the Society of Friends
Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!
Maria Bamford: 30 Ways to Shape Up
Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? Im so hungry right now.I joke around way too much
I can't be friends with sensitive ass people. I joke around way too much. 
Christmas QA Jokes
Q. What do Santa’s elves learn in school?
A. The Elfabet.
Q. What does Santa like to do in the garden?
A. Hoe, hoe, hoe!
Q: What do Santa’s elves drive?
A: Minivans.
Q: What do Santa’s elves drink?
A: Minnesoda.
Q: What is Claustrophobia?
A: The fear of Santa Claus.
Q: What breakfast cereal does Frosty the Snowman eat?
A: Snowflakes.
Working in The Garden
A prisioner in jail received a letter from his wife:
"I have decided to plant some lettuce in the back garden. When is the best time to plant them?"
The prisioner, knowing that the prison guards read all the mail, replied in a letter:
"Dear Wife, whatever you do, DO NOT touch the back garden! That is where I hid all the gold."
A week or so later, he received another letter from his wife:
"You wouldn't believe what happened. Some men came with shovels to the house, and dug up the whole back garden."
The prisoner wrote another letter:
"Dear wife, NOW is the best time to plant the lettuce!"
Police investigation
A lady dies and the police finds out she was the madam at an illegal brothel They find her black book of workers and clients so they assign Bill, an older, widowed detective to talk to the women to find out more about the operation. They figure as an older man Bill won't be as enticed as younger detectives by the pretty young women.
A few weeks into the investigation Bill goes to his supervisor and says he needs to be relieved of the case because of a conflict of interest. The supervisor asks what he means.
"Well," Bill says, "All was going well and I was getting good info from the girls, but then the last woman in the book was Cindy, a sweet, beautiful and funny 59 year old. We met a couple of times and to make a long story short, we started dating and have now become an item."
The supervisor looks at Bill and says "I can't believe it Bill. Thirty eight years on the job, 2 years away from retirement, and you fell for the oldest trick in the book."