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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 18 August 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 18 August 2021

Workout Routine

I started a new workout routine this week, doing crunches twice a day...
I do Cap'n in the morning and Nestle's in the afternoon.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

Private Grief

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?"
The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?"

The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

#joke
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

Store Manager: "I saw you argu

Store Manager: "I saw you arguing with that customer who just left. I told you before that the customer is always right. Do you understand me?"
Salesclerk: "Yes, sir. The customer is always right."
Store Manager: "That's better. Now what were you arguing with the customer about?"
Salesclerk: "Well, sir, he said you were an idiot."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.07/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (15)

The Dead Dog

A lady awoke one morning and discovered her dog was not moving. She called her vet who asked her to bring the dog in. After a brief examination, the vet pronounced the dog dead.

"Are you sure", the distraught woman asked? "He was a great family pet. Isn't there anything else you can do?"

The vet paused for a moment and said, "There is one more thing we can do." He left the room for a moment and came back carrying a large cage with a cat in it. The vet opened the cage door and the cat walked over to the dog. The cat sniffed the dog from head to toe and walked back to the cage.

"Well, that confirms it", the vet announced, "your dog is dead."

Satisfied that the vet had done everything he possibly could, the woman sighed, "How much do I owe you?"

"That will be $1,330", the vet replied.

"I don't believe it", screamed the woman! "What did you do that cost $1,330????"

"Well", the vet replied, "it's $30 for the office visit and $1,300 for the CAT scan."

#joke #animal #cat #dog #pet
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 06 September 2015
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Getting the queen of daytime T

Getting the queen of daytime TV to lose weight is a complicated Oprah ration.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 August 2015
  • Currently 1.57/10

Rating: 1.6/10 (7)

The Wedding

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 18 August 2009
  • Currently 4.95/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (77)

Chuck Norris does not go hunti...

Chuck Norris does not go hunting. Chuck Norris goes killing.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 August 2011
  • Currently 2.69/10

Rating: 2.7/10 (54)

Blonde Coyote

Did you hear about the blonde coyote?

She got stuck in a trap, chewed off three of her legs and was still stuck.

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 August 2010
  • Currently 3.62/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (45)

Converting to the Society of Friends

Rabbi 1: We've got to do something. Many of the young people in our synagogue are converting to the Quaker faith.
Rabbi 2: I've noticed that too. In fact, some of my best Jews are Friends!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 August 2010
  • Currently 3.91/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (34)

Maria Bamford: 30 Ways to Shape Up

Thirty ways to shape up for summer -- number one: eat less; number two: exercise more; number three... What was I talking about? Im so hungry right now.
#joke #short #food #hungry #sport #exercise
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 18 August 2011
  • Currently 3.39/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (33)

Marriage Lottery

"Do you believe marriage is a lottery?"
"No... it's not. In a lottery, a man is supposed to have a chance."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 9.22/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (18)

Centipede pet

A single guy decides life would be more fun if he had a pet.

So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet. After some discussion, he finally bought a centipede, which came in a little white box to use for his house.

He took the box back home, found a good location for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him. So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today, we will have a good time."

But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked him again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"

But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. He decided to ask him one more time; this time putting his face up against the centipede's house and shouting, "Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about The Lord???"

A little voice came out of the box:

"I heard you the first time! I'm putting on my shoes."

#joke #animal #pet
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 08 August 2019
  • Currently 8.47/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (15)

26 funny new Thanksgiving jokes

Q: What happens when you're too harsh on cranberries and make them sad?
A: They turn into blueberries.

Q: What's the difference between Election Day and Thanksgiving?
A: On Thanksgiving, you get a turkey for the day. On Election Day, you get a turkey for four years.

Q: Why did the turkey cross the road?
A: It was Thanksgiving Day and he wanted people to think he was a chicken!

A first grade class was asked to write a paragraph called "What I'm thankful for on Thanksgiving."
Little Johnny's began, "I am thankful that I'm not a turkey."

Q: When did the Pilgrims first say, "God bless America?"
A: The first time they heard America sneeze.

Q: What do you call Thanksgiving if you're selfish?
A: Thanks-taking.

My husband doesn't think housework is a full-time job. So for Thanksgiving, I served him a raw turkey because revenge is a dish best served cold.

Why did the farmer run a steamroller over his potato field on Thanksgiving Day?
He wanted to raise mashed potatoes.

Q: What do you get when you cross a turkey with a banjo?
A: A turkey that can pluck itself!

Q: What did baby corn say to mama corn?
A: Where's popcorn?

Q: What did the turkeys sing on Thanksgiving Day?
A: God save the kin.

Q: What did the turkey say to the turkey hunter on Thanksgiving Day?
A: Quack! Quack!

Q: Which part of the turkey do drummers prefer?
A: The drumstick, or course!

Q: What's the main ingredient in Thanksgiving bread?
A: May-flour!

Q: Where's the only place that Christmas comes before Thanksgiving?
A: In the dictionary!

Q: What's a pumpkin's favorite sport?
A: Squash!

Q: What do you call it when it rains turkeys?
A: Foul weather!

Q: What sound does a turkey's phone make?
A: Wing, wing.

Q: What's the smallest unit of measurement in the pilgrim cookbook?
A: Pilgram.

Q: How did Albert Einstein celebrate Thanksgiving?
A: He was very thinkful.

Q: Why did the Pilgrim eat a candle?
A: He wanted a light snack.

Q: Why was the cook late to Thanksgiving dinner?
A: He lost track of thyme.

Q: Why did the turkey sit on the tomahawk?
A: To try to hatchet.

Q: Why do turkeys lay eggs?
A: Because if they dropped them, they would break.

Q: If fruit comes from a fruit tree, where does turkey come from?
A: A poul-tree.

Q: What do you get when a turkey lays an egg on a hill?
A: An eggroll.

#joke #christmas #thanksgiving #animal #chicken #turkey #fruit #food #bread #dinner #potato #egg #sport #squash
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 26 November 2020
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Fearsome

“Fearsome is a phobia about addition.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 June 2020
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

A man who was having heart tro...

A man who was having heart trouble went to the doctor to see what his options were. Naturally, the doctor recommended a heart transplant. The man reluctantly agreed, and asked if there were any hearts immediately available, considering that money was no object.
"I do have three hearts," said the doctor. "The first is from an 18-year old kid, non-smoker, athletic, swimmer, with a great diet. He hit his head on the swimming pool and died. It's $100,000. The second is from a marathon runner, 25 years old, great condition, very strong. He got hit by a bus. It's $150,000. The third is from a heavy drinker, cigar smoker, steak lover. It's $500,000."
"Hey, why is that heart so expensive? He lived a terrible life!"
"Yes, but it's from a lawyer. It's never been used."
#joke #doctor #lawyer #food #steak #sport #swimming
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 04 June 2016
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

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