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Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 03 November 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 03 November 2021

I can't stand when bread

I can't stand when bread gets overcooked. I'm black-toast intolerant.
#joke #short #food #bread
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.33/10

Rating: 2.3/10 (3)

See Food

The Cajun menu offered a vast fish selection: Blackened redfish, orange roughy, pink salmon, browned yellowtail...
Yet with a carefree, colorblind cook, we all ended up with Rainbow trout.

#joke #short #animal #fish #fruit #orange #food
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Mud bath

An elderly man goes into his doctor’s office for an annual physical. After a while, the doctor comes out and says: "I'm sorry, Bill, but we have discovered you have a condition that only allows you another six weeks to live."

"But Doctor," Bill replies, "I feel great. I haven't felt better in years. This just can't be true. Isn't there anything I can do?"

After a moment, the doctor says: "Well, you might start going down the street to that new health spa to take a mud bath every day."

"And that will cure me?" Bill asks excitedly.

"No," replies the doctor: "but it will get you used to the dirt."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

A young pupil asked, "Master,

A young pupil asked, "Master, what is fate."
"Ah, my son, it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."
"And that, my master, is fate?"
"Oh, fate! I thought you said freight."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 02 August 2021
  • Currently 5.46/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (13)

The Dentist

Man goes to see dentist and asks "How much to pull two wisdom teeth?"

Dentist says "$100.00."

Man says, "too much. Can't you do it for less?"

Dentist says "I can do it for $50 if I cut out the novacaine."

Man says, "that's better but still too much. Can't we do it any cheaper?"

Dentist says, "I could let my trainee do it for $20 but she has never pulled a tooth before and it would be quite painful."

Man says, "That's great. Schedule my wife for next Tuesday."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 22 November 2015
  • Currently 8.79/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (19)

A man placed some flowers o...

A man placed some flowers on the grave of his dearly departed mother and started back toward his car when his attention was diverted to another man kneeling at a grave. The man seemed to be praying with profound intensity and kept repeating, "Why did you have to die? Why did you have to die?" The first man approached him and said, "Sir, I don't wish to interfere with your private grief, but this demonstration of pain is more than I've ever seen before. For whom do you mourn so deeply? A child? A parent?" The mourner took a moment to collect himself, then replied, "My wife's first husband."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 November 2009
  • Currently 6.43/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (67)

Chuck Norris is the only man t...

Chuck Norris is the only man to ever defeat a brick wall in a game of tennis.
#joke #short #chuck-norris #sport #tennis
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 November 2011
  • Currently 2.96/10

Rating: 3.0/10 (52)

On the first day God created t...

On the first day God created the cow. God said, "You must go to the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer. I will give you a life span of sixty years."

The cow said, "That's a kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. Let me have twenty years and I'll give back the other forty."

And God agreed.

On the second day, God created the dog. God said, "Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. I will give you a life span of twenty years." The dog said, "That's too long to be barking. Give me ten years and I'll give back the other ten."

So God agreed (*sigh*).

On the third day God created the monkey. God said, "Entertain people, do monkey tricks, make them laugh. I'll give you a twenty year life span." Monkey said, "How boring, monkey tricks for twenty years? I don't think so. Dog gave you back ten, so that's what I'll do too, okay?"

And God agreed again (...???...)

On the fourth day God created man. God said, "Eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy. Do nothing, just enjoy, enjoy. I'll give you twenty years."

Man said, "What? Only twenty years? No way, man. Tell you what, I'll take my twenty, and the forty cow gave back, and the ten dog gave back and the ten monkey gave back. That makes eighty, okay?"

"Okay," said God. "You've got a deal."

So, that is why for the first twenty years we eat, sleep, play, have sex, enjoy, and do nothing. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain our grandchildren; and for the last ten years we sit in front of the house and bark at everybody.
#joke #animal #dog #monkey #cow #drinks #milk
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 November 2009
  • Currently 7.98/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (46)

A taxpayer received a strongly...

A taxpayer received a strongly worded "second notice" that his taxes were overdue. Hastening to the collector's office, he paid his bill, saying apologetically that he had overlooked the first notice.
"Oh," confided the collector with a smile, "we don't send out first notices. We have found that the second notices are more effective."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 November 2016
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (36)

Dennis Gaxiola: Trophy Wife

I got a trophy wife. I know thats not right to say, cause if youre married thats your trophy. Im just saying not everybody got a first place trophy. Some people end up with a plaque. You marry the neighborhood hoochie, you get a participation ribbon.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 03 November 2011
  • Currently 5.13/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (32)

21 Bastille Day jokes

Bastille Day is the national day of France, which is celebrated on 14 July each year. Have fun with some revolutionary jokes!

What is the most important part of jokes about the French Revolution?
The execution.

Do you know that the French Revolution was kind of a pain in the neck?
But once it was over it was a weight off of some people’s shoulders.

What did the Aristocrat say when he heard the French Revolution happening in the streets?
"Oh! What a peasant surprise!"

Did you hear the one about Bastille Day?
It’s a riot.

Why is the French Revolution just like Prohibition?
They both got rid of Bourbon!

Why did King Louis despise the peasants?
He found them revolting.

What’s your funniest pickup line for Bastille Day?
"Hey girl, are you the French Revolution?
Because I keep imagining you sans-culottes!"

Have you ever seen the play about the French Revolution?
The scene with Marie Antoinette was perfectly executed.

Do you know that anyone can use our Bastille Day jokes?
It’s royalty free.

How do Americans celebrate Bastille Day?
By storming their wine cellar.

A kid was talking to his dad about Bastille Day. He said, "Isn’t that the day when everyone robs all the fish from the water?
" "Bass-steal day".

What do they call Independence Day in France?
A Royale-free with cheese!

Why is the rooster France’s national emblem?
It’s the only bird that still sings when it’s standing on a shit pile.

Have you heard about Bastille Day?
Its the last time the French showed any balls.

Why do French bakers always bake extra bread on Bastille Day?
Because they know everyone’s going to "storm" their bakery!/p>

What was the primary role of the aristocrats during the French Revolution?
They put their head into it.

Why don’t they play cards in France on Bastille Day?
Because everyone’s afraid of the "revolutionary" hand!

During the French Revolution, what was the executioner’s catchphrase?
"First come, first severed!"

Why are fireworks set off on Bastille Day?
It’s the only way to make a louder bang than the one made when they stormed the Bastille!

What is the difference between Bastille Day and the 4th Of July?
Bastille Day is just like the Fourth of July except it takes place in France and Americans don’t care about it!

A French nobleman’s estate was destroyed during the French Revolution.
The results were château-strophic.

#joke #animal #bird #rooster #fish #food #bread #cheese #drinks #wine
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”

“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 December 2011
  • Currently 5.91/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (46)

Kissing Blarney Stone

A group of Americans were touring Ireland.

One woman in the group was constantly grumbling: The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group reached the site of the famous Blarney Stone. "Kissing the Blarney Stone brings good luck all your life," the guide explained. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today, so no one can kiss it. Maybe we can return tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the cantankerous woman snapped. "We have another dull tour to attend. So, I guess we can't kiss that silly stone."

"Well," the guide replied, "it's said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll receive the same good fortune."

"I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No, ma'am," the exasperated guide responded, "but I've sat on it."

#joke #food
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 9.18/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (17)

You're trapped in a room w...

Q: You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
#joke #short #lawyer #animal #tiger
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 15 June 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Tied spaghetti

I tied all of my spaghetti together whilst I was drunk last night.

I ended up skipping dinner.

Found it on www.subsim.com Radio Room forum, originally posted by Jimbuna on January the 17th, 2014

#joke #short #food #dinner
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 06 August 2019
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

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