Jokes of the day for Friday, 05 November 2021

If American Express started a

If American Express started a mail-order dildo business, member-ship would have its privileges.

Head Up High

"Can you stand on your head?"
"Nope. It's too high."

Mary Jane was walking on the b

Mary Jane was walking on the beach one day and saw a shark swimming around a man.
The man was screaming, "Help me! Help me!"
Mary Jane laughed and laughed... She knew that the shark was never going to help that man!

Casino Money

A man spent a weekend gambling in Las Vegas casinos, and he won $100,000. He didn't want anyone to know about it, so whan he came back home, he immediately went out to the backyard of his house, dug a hole and planted the money in it.
The next morning he walked outside and found only an empty hole. He noticed footsteps leading from the hole to the house next door, which was owned by a deaf-mute. On the same street lived a professor who understood sign language and was a friend of the deaf man. Grabbing his pistol, the enraged man went to awaken the professor and dragged him to the deaf man's house. He screamed at the professor:
"You tell this guy that if he doesn't give me back my money I'll kill him!"
The professor conveyed the message to his friend, and his friend replied in sign language: "I hid it in my backyard, underneath the cherry tree."

The professor turned to the man with the gun and said: "He's not going to tell you. He said he'd rather die first."

The Preacher and the Peanuts

A preacher visits an elderly woman from his congregation. As he sits on the couch, he notices a large bowl of peanuts on the coffee table. "Mind if I have a few?" he asks. "No, not at all!" the woman replied. They chat for an hour and, as the preacher stands to leave, he realizes that instead of eating just a few peanuts, he emptied most of the bowl. "I'm terribly sorry for eating all your peanuts. I really just meant to eat a few." "Oh, that's all right," the woman says. "Ever since I lost my teeth, all I can do is suck the chocolate off them."-

A new apartment...

Having been married ten years and still living in an apartment, the wife would often complain about anything, as she was tired of saving every penny to buy a "dream home".

Trying to placate her, the husband found a new apartment, within their budget. However, after the first week, she began complaining again.

"Johnatahan," she said, "I don't like this place at all. There are no curtains in the bathroom. The neighbors can see me every time I take a bath."

"Don't worry." replied her husband. "If the neighbors do see you, they'll buy curtains...."

A fellow bought a new Mercedes...

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the Yellowhead for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph he suddenly saw a flashing red and blue light behind him.
"There ain't no way they can catch a Mercedes," he thought to himself and opened her up further. The needle hit 90, 100 110 and finally 120 with the lights still behind him. "What in heck am I doing?" he thought and pulled over.
The Mountie came up to him, took his license without a word and examined it and the car. "I've had a tough shift and this is my last pull over. I don't feel like more paperwork so if you can give mean excuse for your driving that I haven't heard before you can go."
"Last week my wife ran off with a cop," the man said, "and I was afraid you were trying to give her back!"
"Have a nice night", said the officer.

A man was lying in bed with hi...

A man was lying in bed with his new girlfriend. After having great sex she spent the next hour just rubbing his testicles ... Something she just loved to do.
As he was enjoying it, he turned and asked her, "Why do you love doing that?"
"Because," she replied ... "I really miss mine."

Occupational Hazard

Three men are on a road trip when they pull over to stay at a hotel that they see. They go in and see the lady who apparently runs the joint and they ask her for a vacant room.

She replied, "Sure, but only if you DON'T go into the basement!".

The men agree and she gives them a room.

That night, the men are so curious that they sneak into the basement... only to find that it's full of chopped off dicks!! The woman that runs the places sees them and says, "Okay, now I'm going to have to add you all to my collection."

She asks the first man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he says "Well, my dad is in the lawnmoving business."

So the woman finds a lawnmover and off goes his dick.

The woman asks the second man, "What does YOUR father do for a living?" and he replies in tears "My dad is in the tool supply industry."

So she finds a saw and off does his dick.

The woman then turns to the third guy only to see that he is laughing hysterically! "Why the hell are you laughing?!? Don't you know what's going to happen to you!?!"

He smiles and says, "Yeah, my dad is in the lollipop business - you're gonna hafta suck mine off!"

I Get No Respect 05

"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She was known as a two bagger. That's when a girl is so ugly that you put a bag over your head in case the bag over her head breaks"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I bent down to pet her cat only to find that it was the hair on her legs."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to a dog show and she won first prize."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... I took her to the top of the Empire State building and planes started to attack her."
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She looks like she came in second in a hatchet fight!"
"I knew a girl that was so ugly that... The last time I saw a mouth like hers it had a hook on the end of it."
I knew a girl that was so ugly that... She has a face like a saint--A saint bernard!"
"One day...as I came home early from work...I saw a guy jogging naked. I said to the guy...Hey buddy...why are you doing that for? He said..Because you came home early."

John Ramsey: Old Security Passwords

So they ask me, Would you like to answer your secret security password question? I think, Oh yeah, surely I can answer a question posed by slightly younger me.

Long-Distance Calls

A man in Topeka, Kansas decided to write a book about churches around the country. He started by flying to San Francisco and worked east from there. Going to a very large church, he began taking photographs and notes. He spotted a golden telephone on the vestibule wall and was intrigued by a sign which read: "$10,000 a minute." Seeking out the Pastor he asked about the phone and the sign. The Pastor explained that the golden phone was, in fact, a direct line to Heaven and if he paid the price he could talk directly to God. The man thanked the Pastor and continued on his way. As he continued to visit churches in Seattle, San Diego, Chicago, Greensboro, Tampa and all around the United States, he found more phones with the same sign and got the same answer from each Pastor.
Finally, he arrived in Texas. Upon entering a church in Dallas, behold, he saw the usual golden telephone. But THIS time, the sign read: "Calls: 35 cents." Fascinated, he asked to talk to the Pastor.
"Reverend, I have been in cities all across the country and in each church I have found this golden telephone. I have been told it is a direct line to Heaven and that I could talk to God, but, in the other churches the cost was $10,000 a minute. Your sign reads 35 cents. Why?"
The Pastor, smiling benignly, replied, "Son, you're in Texas now... It's a local call."

Muldoon Mourns his Mutt...

Muldoon lived alone in the Irish country side with only a pet dog for company. One day, the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and said, "Father, my dog is dead. Could ya' be sayin' a mass for the poor creature?" Father Patrick replied, "I'm afraid not. We cannot have services for an animal in the church. But there is a new denomination down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature."Muldoon said, "I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate for the service?"Father Patrick exclaimed, "Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya' tell me the dog was Catholic?"

Bob was in trouble. He forgot...

Bob was in trouble. He forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really angry. She told him "Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!" The next morning he got up early and left for work. When his wife woke up, she looked out the window and sure enough there was a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. Confused, the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway, brought the box back in the house. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. Bob has been missing since Friday.

I don't have to worry

I don't have to worry about getting kidnapped. They would bring me back in less than an hour!