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Jokes of the day for Monday, 15 November 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 15 November 2021

Cannot Undress

During her annual checkup, the well-constructed miss was asked to disrobe and climb onto the examining table.
"Doctor," she replied shyly, "I just can't undress in front of you."
"All right," said the physician, "I'll flick off the lights. You undress and tell me when you're through."
In a few moments, her voice rang out in the darkness: "Doctor, I've undressed. What shall I do with my clothes?"

Goodnight

"Put them on the chair, on top of mine."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Source: Jokes of the Day - Originally taken from site that work no more - Get Frank - NZ's Online Men's Lifestyle Magazine for Fashion, Health, Lifestyle, Recreation Articles & Reviews, Funny jokes and photos updated daily
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

A government social worker was

A government social worker was visiting the an reservation for the first time.
A woman was yelling at an old Indian man. The man looked like he could use some help. The social worker walked over and broke up the disturbance by pulling the man aside.
"Hey, that lady sure hates you."
"She no lady. She my wife."
"You don't say. What's her name?"
"Wife name 'Three Horse'."
The social worker smiled. "Now that's a strange name. Three Horse. Yep, that sure is a strange name. How did she get a name like that?"
"Nag nag nag."
#joke #animal #horse
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

Getting Older

As I get older I realized....
I talk to myself, because there are times I need expert advice.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

What causes it?

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned!" the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

#joke #drinks #gin #alcohol
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 04 December 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

What's an obstetrician&#

What's an obstetrician's favourite breakfast? Eggs/ovaries.
#joke #short #food #breakfast
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 23 November 2015
  • Currently 3.17/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (6)

A guy goes to the supermarket...

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him.
She says hello. He's rather taken a back because he can't place where he knows her. So he says, "Do you know me?"
To which she replies, "I think you're the father of one of my kids."
Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife, and he says, "Oh, are you the stripper from my bachelor party that I did on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped me with wet celery?"
The woman looks sternly into his eyes and says very calmly, "No, I'm your son's teacher."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 November 2015
  • Currently 8.95/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (99)

A burglar broke into a house o...

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching more valuables. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Totally rattled, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" He hissed at the parrot.
"Yes," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who do you think you are any way?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses," the burglar laughed. "What kind of stupid people would name a parrot 'Moses'?"
The bird promptly answered: "The same kind of people that would name a Rottweiler 'Jesus'!"
#joke #animal #bird #parrot
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 November 2009
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.9/10 (67)

Nuns at the Hospital

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had bypass surgery. He awakened to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun asked how he was going to pay the bill. He replied, in a raspy voice, "No health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He replied, "No money in the bank."

The nun asked, "Do you have a relative who could help you?"
He said, "Just a spinster sister, who is a nun."

The nun, slightly perturbed, said, "Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God."

The patient replied, "Then send the bill to my brother-in-law."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 November 2011
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (43)

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he...

When Bruce Banner gets mad, he turns into the Hulk. When the Hulk gets mad, he turns into Chuck Norris.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 15 November 2011
  • Currently 2.83/10

Rating: 2.8/10 (41)

Angelic Assistance?

An old-time pastor was riding furiously down the road, hurrying to get to church on time. Suddenly, his horse stumbled and threw him to the ground.
Lying in the dirt, his body wracked with pain, the pastor called out, "All you angels in heaven, help me get up on my horse!"
With extraordinary strength, he leaped onto the horse's back and fell off the other side.
From the ground again, he called out, "All right, just half of you angels this time!"

#joke #animal #horse
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 15 November 2009
  • Currently 7.16/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (31)

The Preacher and the Frog Princess

An old country preacher was fishing one afternoon when he noticed a frog sitting next to him. The frog said, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The old preacher smiled, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. After a while, he looked into his pocket to see how the frog was doing.The frog said again, “Mister, I’ve had a spell cast on me. If you’ll kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess and I’ll make you happy for the rest of your life.”The preacher just smiled and kept on fishing. When he checked on the frog again, it said, “What’s wrong with you, fella? I said I’ve been bewitched. Just kiss me and I’ll turn back into a beautiful princess and make you the happiest man on earth for the rest of your life!”The old preacher just smiled and said, “Frog, I’m sorry to tell you this…but at my age, I’d rather have a talking frog than a beautiful princess!”
#joke #animal #frog #sport #fishing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 February 2017
  • Currently 8.61/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (36)

Bar girls and hockey players

A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy ask his manager about the matter. Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some asshole wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."

As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later the manager found the boy and said,

"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from, son?"

"Canada, sir," the boy replied.

"Well, why did you leave Canada?" the manager asked.

The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but bar girls and hockey players up there."

"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada!

The boy replied, "No kidding???? Who did she play for?"

Joke found on forums.anandtech.com, posted on Sep 5, 2001 by forum user Wingznut

#joke #sport #hockey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 16 July 2019
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

Better than money

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

#joke #food #dinner #drinks #beer #sport #golf #fishing
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 October 2019
  • Currently 8.15/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (27)

I want a boyfriend who

I want a who:
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 April 2016
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

Send my luggage

Passenger to Airline Ticket Agent: I want my brown suitcase sent to Los Angeles, my green suitcase sent to Kansas City, and my tan suitcase sent to New Orleans.

Ticket Agent: I'm sorry, sir; this flight is to Nashville. We can't do that.

Passenger: Why not ? You did it last time.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 April 2015
  • Currently 7.22/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (18)

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