Jokes of the day for Sunday, 05 December 2021
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 05 December 2021 |
24 Hours Left
A man returns from the doctor and tells his wife that the doctor has told him he has only 24 hours to live. Given this prognosis, the man asks his wife for sex.
Naturally, she agrees, and they make love. About six hours later, the husband goes to his wife and says, "Honey,you know I now have only 18 hours to live.
Could we please do it one more time?" Of course, the wife agrees, and they do it again.
Later, as the man gets into bed, he looks at his watch and realizes that he now has only 8 hours left. He touches his wife shoulder, and asks, "Honey, please...just one more time before die." She says, "Of course, Dear," and they make love for the third time.
After this session, the wife rolls over and falls asleep.
The man, however, worried about his impending death, tosses and turns, until he's down to 4 more hours. He taps his wife, who rouses. "Honey, I have only 4 more hours. Do you think we could..."
At this point the wife sits up and says,"Listen, I have to get up in the morning. You don't!"
A guy comes home from work, wa
A guy comes home from work, walks into his bedroom, and finds a stranger having sex with his wife.He says, "What the hell are you two doing?"
His wife turns to the stranger and says, "I told you he was stupid."
When My Wife Gets Mad
I hate it when my wife gets mad at me for being lazy.
It’s not like I did anything!
The Gift
Upon getting to work one morning, seventy-five year old Marvin is reminded by his secretary that it's his wife's birthday today. At lunch, Marvin goes to the local mall and tries to find a gift for her.
Unfortunately, he realizes that life has been good and she has everything she needs. Upon passing a lingerie store, Marvin realizes that his wife has never bought any lingerie in her life. He gets the idea to buy his wife something sexy to make her feel good and young.
Marvin goes into the store and tells the clerk to wrap up the most expensive, sheerest negligee she has. Marvin takes the gift and excitedly runs home to his wife.
Upon finding her in the kitchen he tells her to take the gift upstairs and unwrap it. He'll wait in the kitchen. His wife thanks him and goes up to the bedroom.
Once the package is opened she realizes that this is something she has never had before. She also sees that it is so sheer it leaves nothing to the imagination. She thinks for a moment and then decides that she'll really surprise Marvin and go downstairs without any clothes on at all. So she leaves the negligee on the bed and starts down the stairs stark naked. She calls out, 'Marvin, come out to the hallway and look.'
Marvin walks out to the staircase, looks up at his wife, and exclaims, 'All that money and they didn't even iron it.'
Converting to Hinduism has ...
Converting to Hinduism has dharmatic consequences.A police officer pulls over th...
A police officer pulls over this guy who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the guy's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
The Island of Trid
Once upon a time, in the middle of the ocean, there was the Island of Trid.
It seems that most of the Island of Trid was covered by a large mountain. On this mountain lived a Giant. The Giant did not allow Trids on his mountain. If a Trid dared to climb onto the mountain, the Giant would kick him into the ocean. Trids are notoriously bad swimmers, and frequently drowned when kicked into the ocean.
The Trids were a very sexual people, and the population had grown quite large. Every square inch of the island, except the mountain, was crowded with Trids.
The Trids spent their days crowded together, dreaming of the open space available on the ever visible mountain. Every few days, a Trid would decide he couldn't stand the crowds any more. He would start to climb the mountain, and the Giant would kick the Trid into the ocean.The Trids were a very depressed people.
One day a traveling Rabbi visited the Island of Trid. Despite their overcrowded conditions, the Trids were extremely generous to this man of God.
The Rabbi decided to return the favor, and to go plead the Trid's case to the Giant. "Surely the Giant can be convinced to share some of the mountain with you," the Rabbi explained.
The Trids were horrified. "Please don't go, Rabbi", the Trids implored. "The Giant will kick you into the ocean, and you will surely drown."
The Rabbi was stubborn, and insisted that he talk to the Giant. The Trids sent out every boat they had. They formed a ring around the island, so that they would be able to rescue the Rabbi.
The Rabbi started walking towards the mountain. No sign of the Giant.
He walked through the foothills, and there was no sign of the Giant.
He started up the slopes of the mountain, further than any Trid had ever been. Still no sign of the Giant.
Finally he reached the summit of the mountain. There the Giant was waiting for him. The Rabbi asked "Tell me Giant, why have you allowed me to climb to the top of the mountain, without kicking me off the moment I started climbing?"
And the Giant replied, "Silly Rabbi, kicks are for Trids!"
Chuck Norris was banned from c...
Chuck Norris was banned from competitive bullriding after a 1992 exhibition in San Antonio, when he rode the bull 1,346 miles from Texas to Milwaukee Wisconsin to pick up his dry cleaning.Car or Haircut
A young boy had just gotten his driver's permit and enquired of his father, if they could discuss his use of the car. His father said, "I'll make a deal with you. You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible a little, get your hair cut and we'll talk about the car."
Well, the boy thought about that for a moment, and settle for the offer, and they agreed on it. After about six weeks they went in to the study, where his father said, "Son, I've been real proud. You've brought your grades up, and I've observed that you have been studying your Bible, and participating a lot more in the Bible study groups. But, I'm real disappointed, since you haven't gotten your hair cut."
The young man paused a moment, and then said, "You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long hair, Moses had long hair and there's even a strong argument that Jesus had long hair also."
To this his father replied, "Did you also notice they all walked everywhere they went?"
Really funny jokes-Enormity
Casey McCarthy had just arrived in New York City and was amazed at the enormity of everything.Having drunk a pint or two on the flight over, he sorely needed to relieve himself.
The first door he entered happened to be a large health club, and he asked the clerk if he might use the men's room.
The clerk said certainly and told Casey the men's room was the third door down the corridor on the left.
Now Casey, trying to appear sober, weaved his way down the hallway remembering some of the directions.
When he reached the third door, he turned RIGHT, opened the door and immediately fell into the deep end of a pool.
The clerk, realizing Casey's mistake, ran down the hall and burst through the door, prepared to save him, and heard Casey shout, "Don't flush, I'm in here!"
A policeman sees a little girl...
A policeman sees a little girl riding her bike and says, “Did Santa get you that?" “Yes,” replies the little girl. “Well," says the policeman, "tell Santa to put a reflector light on it next year,” and fines her five dollars. The little girl looks up at the policeman and says, "Nice horse you’ve got there, did Santa bring you that?” The policeman chuckles and replies, “He sure did!" “Well,” says the little girl, “next year, tell Santa the d*ck goes under the horse and not on it."Happy Monday! Check out new jokes!
I did my first nude painting yesterday.
The neighbors weren't happy but the front door looks great!
Man walks into an ancient Greek tailors with a pair of ripped trousers.
Tailor says, "Euripides?"
Man says, "Yeah. Eumenides?"
Her: It's ova.
Me: Why? Is it because I'm terrible at crosswords?
If I'm reading their lips correctly …
My neighbors are arguing about some creepy guy next door.
I married my wife for her looks.
Though not the ones she been giving me lately.
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
English lesson…
Tsunami
T is silent
Psychology
P is silent
Knife
K is silent
Honest
H is silent
Wife
Husband is silent
Fact or fiction?
Fact or fiction (you make the call):
1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so again, are thunder and lightning.
2. After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin… they can’t face each other, but, they still stay together.
3. Married life is very frustrating. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbours listen..
4. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you canbe sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife is.
5. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one. The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.
6. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something she says. After marriage, he will fall asleep before she finish.
7. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.
8. They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, that is LOVE. After marriage, that is SELF DEFENSE.
9. A wife becomes a “SEX OBJECT” when every time the husband asks for sex she objects!
10. Marriage is the only war where you get to sleep with the enemy.
11. There are two four-letter words that are offensive to men in marriage : “don’t” and “stop”, unless, they are used together (“don’t stop”).
12. Marriage is an institution where the man loses his Bachelor’s Degree and the woman gets her Master’s Degree.
13. In marriage, a man can have words with his wife, but, a woman can have paragraphs with her husband.
14. Marriage is love. Love is blind. Therefore, marriage is an institution for the blind.
15. There are 3 stages of SEX in a married life: Tri-weekly, try weekly and try weakly.
16. LOVE is a long sweet dream; MARRIAGE is the alarm clock.
17. When a newly married man looks happy, we know why. But, when a 10-year married man looks happy, we wonder why.
18. Marriage is not a word. It is a sentence … a LIFE SENTENCE.
A man takes his Rottweiler to...
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet."My dog is cross-eyed," the man says. "Is there anything you can do for him?"
"Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him."
So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes and ears and then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down."
"What?" The man was astonished. "Why? Because he's cross-eyed?"
"No," said the vet, "because he's really heavy!"