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Jokes of the day for Monday, 13 December 2021

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 13 December 2021

NED: Have you heard it through

NED: Have you heard it through the grape vine?
ED: No, I don't keep up with currant events.
NED: C'mon, you should be raisin your awareness!
ED: Hey – quit winin‘!
NED: I'm just trying to give you a lil' viticulture…
ED: Aw, put a cork in it.
#joke
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 3.44/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (9)

Two kindergarten kids are talk

Two kindergarten kids are talking while having a lunch break.
Girl: What is the capital of America?
Boy: Washington D. C.
Girl: No! "A" is the capital of America. You already forgot our lesson: capitalize proper nouns!
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

SLIDESHOW #123 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Poor guy

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

   Tie Blind... again.
To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

Joke of the Day, posted everyday on Getfrank.co.nz - Click to see the past weeks worth right here...

#joke
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

Outstanding Comedian

What is the opposite of stand up comedy?
A Sitcom.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 4.88/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (8)

What did the doctor say?

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone.

He said, "Your husband is suffering from a very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your husband will surely die."

"Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant, and make sure he is in a good mood. For lunch make him a nutritious meal. For dinner prepare an especially nice meal for him. Don't burden him with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several times a week and satisfy his every whim." If you can do this for the next 10 months to a year, I think your husband will regain his health completely.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife.

"What did the doctor say?"

"You're going to die," she replied.

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 01 January 2016
  • Currently 7.70/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (10)

Two blondes, Carol and Patt...

Two blondes, Carol and Patty, were walking down the street.

Carol noticed a compact on the sidewalk and leaned down to pick it up. She opened it, looked in the mirror and said, "Hmmm, this person looks familiar." Patty said, "Let me look!" So Carol handed her the Compact.

Patty looked in the mirror and said,"You dummy, it's me!

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 13 December 2009
  • Currently 5.79/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (57)

Scientifically speaking, it is...

Scientifically speaking, it is impossible to charge Chuck Norris with "obstruction of justice." This is because even Chuck Norris cannot be in two places at the same time.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 December 2011
  • Currently 2.56/10

Rating: 2.6/10 (50)

Police Quotes

“The handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”

“If you run, you'll only go to jail tired.”

“So, you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?”

“Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?”

“Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket.”

“The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or dog?”

“Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven.”

“Life's tough, it's tougher if you're stupid.”

“No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want.”

“Just how big were those two beers?

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 December 2011
  • Currently 5.82/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (45)

A father is explaining ethics

A father is explaining ethics to his son, who is about to go into business...
"Suppose a woman comes in and orders a hundred dollars worth of material. You wrap it up, and you give it to her. She pays you with a $100 bill. But as she goes out the door you realize she's given you two $100 bills. Now, here's where the ethics come in: should you or should you not tell your partner?
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 13 December 2019
  • Currently 6.23/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (30)

Harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."

"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"

"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night.

#joke #christmas
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 18 May 2015
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (23)

Yo mama's house is so small ...

Yo mama house so small that when she orders a large pizza she had to go outside to eat it.

Yo mama house so small she has to go outside to eat a large pizza.

Yo mama house so small you have to go outside to change your mind.

#joke #short #yomama
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 11 November 2014
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (2)

Best friends

We will best friends forever because you already know too much.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 09 June 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Women want to stare...

Women want to stare at them too. Let's face it, they're great!
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 October 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Say anything you want

Home, where you can say anything you want, because no one is listening to you anyway.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 June 2015
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

When I was married, my wife us...

When I was married, my wife used to call me handsome. As a matter of fact, we are now divorced but she STILL calls me handsome.

Every time I have some money, she says, HANDSOME OVER.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 September 2008
  • Currently 7.45/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (49)

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