Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 22 December 2021
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Wednesday, 22 December 2021 |
What did Fog say to Mrs. Fog?
What did Fog say to Mrs. Fog?Circle Flies
An old farmer got pulled over by a young state trooper for speeding. The trooper, fresh on the job, decided to throw his weight around and started lecturing the farmer about his speed. He did his best to make the farmer feel uncomfortable but eventually got around to writing the ticket. As he wrote, he had to swat at several flies that were buzzing around his head.
"Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" asked the farmer.
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and looked up. "Well yeah, if that's what they are," he said. "I never heard of circle flies, though."
"Oh, they're pretty common on farms," said the farmer. "We call 'em circle flies because they're always circling around the back end of a horse."
"I see," said the trooper as he continued writing the ticket. All of a sudden, he stopped and looked up at the farmer. "Hey...wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's ass?"
"Oh no, officer," replied the farmer. "I have far too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
"Well, that's a good thing," said the trooper as he resumed writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the farmer continued. "Hard to fool them flies, though."
I Hate Those People
I hate those people who knock on your door and tell you you need to get “saved” or you'll “burn”...
Stupid firemen.
Two small county judges both g
Two small county judges both got arrested for speeding on the same day. Rather than call the state Supreme Court for a visiting judge, each agreed to hear the other's case.The first judge took the bench while the second stood at the defendant's table, and admitted his guilt. The sentencing judge immediately suspended both the fine and costs.
They switched places. The second judge admitted that he was speeding, too. Thereupon the first judge immediately fined him $250 and ordered him to pay court costs.
The second judge was furious. "I suspended your fine and costs, but you threw the book at me!", he fumed. The first judge looked at him and replied, "This is the second such case we've had in here today. Someone has to get tough about all this speeding!"
Dear John
Dear John,
I have been unable to sleep since I broke off our engagement. Won't you forgive and forget? Your absence is breaking my heart. I was a fool, nobody can take your place. I love you.
All my love,
Judi xxxxoooxxxx
P.S. Congratulations on winning this week's lottery.
A college student picked up hi...
A college student picked up his date at her parents home. He'd scraped together every cent he had to take her to a fancy restaurant. To his dismay, she ordered almost everything expensive on the menu. Appetizers, lobster, champagne. . .the works. Finally he asked her, "Does your Mother feed you like this at home?"
"No," she said, "but my Mother's not looking to get laid, either."
A little girl is sitting on he...
A little girl is sitting on her grandpa's lap and studying the wrinkles on his old face. She gets up the nerve to rub her fingers over the wrinkles. Then she touches her own face and looks more puzzled. Finally the little girl asks, "Grandpa, did God make you?" "He sure did honey, a long time ago," replies her grandpa.
"Well, did God make me?" asks the little girl.
"Yes, He did, and that wasn't too long ago," answers her grandpa.
"Boy," says the little girl, "He's sure doing a lot better job these days isn't He?"
A Moral Question
One man said to another, "I didn't sleep with my wife before I got married. How about you?"
The man replied, "I don't know. What was her maiden name?"
100% Polar bear
One afternoon in the Arctic, a father polar bear and his son polar bear were sitting in the snow. The son polar bear turned to his father and asked, "Dad, am I 100% polar bear?"
"Of course, son, you're 100% polar bear."
A few minutes pass, and the son polar bear turns to his father again and says, "Dad, tell me the truth. I can take it. Am I 100% polar bear? No brown bear or panda bear or grizzly bear?"
"Son, I'm 100% polar bear and your mother is 100% polar bear, so you're certainly 100% polar bear."
A few more minutes pass, and the son polar bear again turns to his father and says, "Dad, don't think your sparing my feelings if it's not true. I really need to know... am I really 100% polar bear?"
Distressed by this continued questioning, the father polar bear finally asked his son, "Why do you keep asking if you're 100% polar bear?"
"Because I'm freezing to death out here!"
The Three Little Pig...
“The Three Little Pigs order off the vegan menu, but Mary Had a Little Lamb.”
Life before computers
An application was for employment A program was a TV show
A cursor used profanity
A keyboard was a piano!
Memory was something that you lost with age
A CD was a bank account
And if you had a 3 1/2 inch floppy
You hoped nobody found out!
Compress was something you did to garbage
Not something you did to a file
And if you unzipped anything in public
You'd be in jail for awhile!
Log on was adding wood to a fire
Hard drive was a long trip on the road
A mouse pad was where a mouse lived
And a backup happened to your commode!
Cut - you did with a pocket knife
Paste you did with glue
A web was a spider's home
And a virus was the flu!
I guess I'll stick to my pad and paper
And the memory in my head
I hear nobody's been killed in a computer crash
But when it happens they wish they were dead!
Damon Wayans: Bicycle Cop
I got pulled over by a bicycle cop in L.A. -- not a motorcycle cop, a bicycle cop. And Im in my car, and he gets out -- hes sweating, hes got these little shorts on. You know how fast you were going? Yeah, a lot faster than that bike. Back to the Honeymoon
A couple married thirty years were revisiting the same places they went to on their honeymoon. Driving through the secluded countryside, they passed a ranch with a tall deer fence running along the road.
The woman said, "Sweetheart, let's do the same thing we did here thirty years ago."
The guy stopped the car. His wife backed against the fence, and they made love like never before.
Back in the car, the guy says, "Darling, you sure never moved like That thirty years ago, or any time since that I can remember!"
The woman says, "thirty years ago that fence wasn't electrified!"
Top ten jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival
Top ten jokes from the latest Edinburgh Fringe comedy festival
1. Masai Graham:
I tried to steal spaghetti from the shop, but the female guard saw me and I couldn't get pasta.
2. Mark Simmons:
Did you know, if you get pregnant in the Amazon, it's next-day delivery.
3. Olaf Falafel:
My attempts to combine nitrous oxide and Oxo cubes made me a laughing stock.
4. Hannah Fairweather:
By my age, my parents had a house and a family, and to be fair to me, so do I - but it is the same house and it is the same family.
5. Will Mars:
I hate funerals - I'm not a mourning person.
6. Olaf Falafel:
I spent the whole morning building a time machine, so that's four hours of my life that I'm definitely getting back.
7. Richard Pulsford:
I sent a food parcel to my first wife. FedEx.
8. Tim Vine:
I used to live hand to mouth. Do you know what changed my life? Cutlery.
9. Sophie Duker:
Don't knock threesomes. Having a threesome is like hiring an intern to do all the jobs you hate.
10. Will Duggan:
I can't even be bothered to be apathetic these days.