Jokes of the day for Thursday, 20 January 2022
Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 20 January 2022 |
How do proctologists figure ou
How do proctologists figure out how much to bill their clients?The Vase
A guy goes to a girl's house for the first time, and she shows him into the living room. She excuses herself to go to the kitchen to make them a few drinks, and as he's standing there alone, he notices a cute little vase on the mantel. He picks it up, and as he's looking at it, she walks back in.
He says "What's this?"
She says, "Oh, my father's ashes are in there."
He says, "Jeez...oooh....I..."
She says, "Yeah, he's too lazy to go to the kitchen to get an ashtray."
"Now, what are you planning to
"Now, what are you planning to do about that excess weight you're carrying around?" the doctor asked the patient."I just can't seem to lose the weight," the patient said. "Must be an overactive thyroid."
"The tests show your thyroid is perfectly normal," the doctor said. "If anything is overactive, it's your fork."
Elementary, my dear Watson
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot. Some bastard has stolen our tent."
Farmer Joe decided his injurie...

Farmer Joe responded, "Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favorite mule Bessie into the..."
"I didn't ask for a long, drawn-out story," the lawyer interrupted,"just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident,'I'm fine'!"
Farmer Joe said, "Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and Iwas driving down the road..."
The lawyer interrupted again and said, "Judge, I am trying to establishthe fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the HighwayPatrolman on the scene that he was just fine. Now, several weeks afterthe accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud.Please tell him to simply answer the question."
By this time the Judge was fairly interested in Farmer Joe's answer andsaid to the lawyer, "I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite mule Bessie."
Joe thanked the Judge and proceeded, "Well, as I was saying, I had justloaded Bessie, my favorite mule, into the trailer and was driving herdown the highway when this huge semi-truck and trailer ran the stop sign andsmacked my truck right in the side."
He continued, "I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown intothe other. I was hurting real bad and didn't want to move. However, I couldhear ole Bessie moaning and groaning. I knew she was in terrible shapejust by her groans.
Shortly after the accident a Highway Patrolman came on the scene. Hecould hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her. After helooked at her, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. Then, hecame across the road with his gun in his hand, looked at me and said, 'Yourmule was in such bad shape I had to shoot her. How are you feeling?'"
After the Office Party

After a trip to the bathroom, he made his way downstairs, where his wife put some coffee in front of him.
"Louise," he moaned, "tell me what happened last night. Was it as bad as I think?"
"Even worse," she said, her voice oozing scorn. "You made a complete ass of yourself. You succeeded in antagonising the entire board of directors and you insulted the president of the company, right to his face."
"He's an asshole," John said. "Piss on him."
"You did," came the reply. "And he fired you."
"Well, screw him!" said John.
"I did. You're back at work on Monday.
This Wife Is Too Jealous

The next night, when she didn't smell any perfume, she yelled again by saying, "She's not only bald, but she's too cheap to buy any perfume!"
Texan Farmer Travels

Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, " We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows".
The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, "And what are those"?
The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, "Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas"?
I think Cheney is starting to lose...

Married Women Vs Single Women

Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed.
Married women come home, see what's in the bed and go to the fridge.
Small wooden ball at barbershop

A man enters a barbershop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.
"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."
The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes, the client asks in garbled speech, "And what if I swallow it?"
"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."
Jimmy Carr: Teasing

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her. I said, 'Alright, fatty.'
Send me your ...

The wife, being a romantic at heart, decided one day that she’d send her husband a text while she was out having coffee with a friend. She texted:
If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.
The husband, being a no-nonsense sort of guy, texted back:
I’m on the toilet.
Please advise.
John Caparulo: Yard Sales on Memorial Day
