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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 06 February 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 06 February 2022

I was going to give you a pig

I was going to give you a pig but I didn't want to boar you.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.80/10

Rating: 1.8/10 (5)

Phobia

A man went to a psychiatrist for his phobia.
"Doc," he said, "I've got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there's somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there's somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I'm going crazy!"
"Just put yourself in my hands for two years," said the shrink, "Come to me three times a week, and I'll cure your fears."
"How much do you charge?"
"A hundred dollars per visit."
"I'll sleep on it," said the man.
Six months later the doctor met the man on the street.
"Why didn't you ever come to see me again?" asked the psychiatrist.
"For a hundred buck's a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars."
"Is that so! How?"

I built a bed.


"He told me to cut the legs off the bed!"

#joke #doctor
  • Currently 7.13/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (8)

SLIDESHOW #102 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Yelling "What"

Do you enjoy yelling "What?" from the other room?
Then marriage might be for you.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

We thought you were a ghost!

Two men were walking home after a party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows. Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath,

"You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost!

What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"Those fools!" the old man grumbled. "They misspelled my name!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 February 2016
  • Currently 5.44/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (9)

A native American went hunting

A native American went hunting one day in Oklahoma and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by a game warden who didn't like American Indians. The game warden ordered to the Indian to show his hunting license, and the Indian pulled out a valid Oklahoma hunting license.
The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Oklahoma. This is a Kansas duck. You got a Kansas huntin' license, boy?"
The indian reached into his wallet and produced a Kansas hunting license.
The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Kansas duck. This duck's from Arkansas. You got a Arkansas license?"
The Indian reached into his wallet and produced an Arkansas hunting license.
The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Arkansas duck. This here duck's from South Carolina. You got a South Carolina huntin' license?"
Again the Indian reached into his wallet and brought out a South Carolina hunting license.
The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Indian, "Just where the hell are you from?"
The Indian turned around, bent over, dropped his pants, and said, "You tell me, expert."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 March 2015
  • Currently 9.29/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (7)

Blind Man

Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children. A blind man joins them after a few minutes. When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk. After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, "Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? That ticking sound is driving me crazy."
The blind man replies, "If you would've put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick, we'd be riding the bus ... so shut up."  

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 February 2017
  • Currently 8.67/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (58)

Fear of Flying

There was a religious woman who had to do a lot of traveling for her business. Flying made her very nervous, so she always took her Bible along with her.
One time, she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible, he gave a little chuckle and smirk and went back to what he was doing.
After awhile, he turned to her and asked, "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"
The woman replied, "Of course I do. It is the Bible."
He said, "Well, what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?"
She replied, "Oh, Jonah. Yes, I believe that, it is in the Bible."
He asked, "Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"
The woman said, "Well, I don't really know. I guess when I get to heaven, I will ask him."
"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.
"Then you can ask him," replied the woman.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 February 2009
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (43)

Adopted Turtle

Deep within a forest a little turtle began to climb a tree. After hours of effort he reached the top, jumped into the air waving his front legs and crashed to the ground. After recovering, he slowly climbed the tree again, jumped, and fell to the ground.
The turtle tried again and again while a couple of birds sitting on a branch watched his sad efforts. Finally, the female bird turned to her mate.
“Dear,” she chirped, “I think it's time to tell him he's adopted.”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 06 February 2014
  • Currently 7.43/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (42)

The Ultimate Computer

The Ultimate Computer stood at the end of the Ultimate Computer Company's production line. At which point the guided tour eventually arrived.
The salesman stepped forward to give his prepared demo. 'This,' he said, 'is the Ultimate Computer. It will give an intelligent answer to any question you may care to ask it.'
A smart-aleck who ran a humor mailing list stepped forward and asked, 'Where is my father?'
There was the soft hum of powerful electronic gear going to the task. Panel lights lit and blinked, and within a couple of seconds the laser printer printed out a piece of paper: 'Fishing off Florida.'
The smart-aleck laughed, 'Actually, my father is dead! It was a trick question.'
The salesman, quickly thinking on his feet, replied that he was sorry the answer was unsatisfactory, but as the Ultimate Computer was precise, perhaps a rewording of the question might work better.
The smart-aleck said to the Ultimate Computer, 'Where is my mother's husband?' Again, the hum of the powerful electronic brain filled the room.
After a moment, the laser printer whirred to life. The paper said, 'Dead. But your father is still fishing off Florida.'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 February 2017
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (39)

Knock Knock Collection 142


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oscar!
Oscar who?
Oscar a silly question, get a silly answer!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
O'Shea!
O'Shea who?
O'Shea that's a sad story!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oslo!
Oslo who!
Oslo down, whats the hurry!

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oswald!
Oswald who?
Oswald my chewing gum!
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Oswego!
Oswego who?
Oswego marching, marching home ...!

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 06 February 2009
  • Currently 4.04/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (24)

In Love

The pretty teacher was concerned with one of her eleven-year-old students. Taking him aside after class one day, she asked, "Little Johnny, why has your school work been so poor lately?"
"I'm in love," the boy replied.
Holding back an urge to smile, she asked, "With whom?"
"With YOU!" he said.
"But Johnny," she said gently, "don't you see how silly that is? It's true that I would like a husband of my own someday. But I don't want a child."
"Oh, don't worry," the boy said reassuringly, "I'll use a rubber!"    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 July 2015
  • Currently 4.44/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (9)

After 40 years of marriage, th...

After 40 years of marriage, the wife had not received a gift for Xmas, birthday, or anniversary since the first Xmas. So she drug her husband to the counselor.

After explaining all of this to the counselor, she looked at her husband with tears in her eyes and asked, "Why do you treat me this way?"
The husband said, "I am a very practical man, so when you use the first present I got you, I'll get you another."
The counselor asked, "What did he get you?"
The wife bowed her head and whispered, "A cemetery plot."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 08 July 2016
  • Currently 4.50/10

Rating: 4.5/10 (14)

Earning His Stripes

A young reporter went to a retirement home to interview an aged but legendary explorer. The reporter asked the old man to tell him the most frightening experience he had ever had. The old explorer looked into the distance and warmed to his task.

“Once, I was hunting Bengal tigers in the jungles of India,” he began: “I was on a narrow path and my faithful native gun bearer was behind me. Suddenly, the largest tiger I've ever seen in my life leaped onto the path in front of us. I turned to get my weapon only to find my gun bearer had fled. The tiger leaped toward me with a mighty ROARRRR! I soiled myself."

“Under those circumstances, sir, I think anyone would have done the same," the reporter said.

The old explorer replied: "No, not then -– just now when I went 'ROARRRR!'”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 10 June 2013
  • Currently 3.40/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (5)

Service for Your Dog

A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for a pet dog he for a long time.

The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead. Could you possibly be saying a Mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 20 July 2015
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (14)

14 Dad Jokes to prepare for Father's Day

Third Sunday of June is Father's Day in some countries! Get your jokes ready on time!

Thought I saw my first ever real life super hero today.
He was running down our street wearing a cape...
Turns out he hadn't paid for his haircut!

How many crime writers does it take to change a light bulb?
Only one, but it has to have a really good twist at the end!

What do you call a cow with a twitch?
Beef jerky!

My wife called me and said, "I've found a dead bee in the sink, what do I do?"
I said, "Get a spoon and flush it down the toilet."
A few minutes later she said,
"I've done that, but what about the bee?"

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?
A satisfactory.

I recently joined a support group for people who talk a lot.
We call ourselves On and On Anon.

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing, it just waved.

I yelled "Cow!" at a woman on a bike...
She gave me the finger. Then she ran into a cow.

How does the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

What did the zero say to the eight?
That belt looks good on you.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?
I don’t know, but the flag is a big plus.

Why don't eggs tell jokes?
They might crack up.

What did the big flower say to the little flower?
"Hi, bud!"

What did the grape say when it got stepped on?
Nothing, it just let out a little wine.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: Jokes of The Day - By Jokes of the day visitor
  • Currently 8.60/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (10)

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