Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 16 February 2022

Archaeologists say they’ve discovered the toilet used by Jesus. Which is a loo de Christ claim.

#joke #short

Home Remedies

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.

2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by simply using the sink.
4. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough.
7. Have a bad toothache? Hit your thumb with a hammer, then you will forget about the toothache.
8. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
9. AND..... Sometimes we just need to remember what The Rules of Life really are: You need only two tools: WD-40 and duct tape. If it doesn't move and it should, use WD-40. If it moves and shouldn't, use the duct tape.
10. If you woke up breathing, congratulations! You have another chance!
11. And finally... Be really good to your family and friends. You never know when you are going to need them to empty your bedpan.

Butler

The minister and his wife place an ad for a butler. Early the next morning a nicely dressed young man appears at their front door. The minister asks him, "Can you fix breakfast by 7:00 a.m. every day?"
"Well ... I guess I can."
"And can you make the beds, dust the living room, do the dishes, cut the grass, and polish the silver also?"
"Gee, Sir, I just came by to see about getting married. But if it's going to be that much work, you can count me out!"

My Mother-In-Law Is Coming

My mother-in-law is coming...
I had to clear out half my closet so she could have a place to hang upside down and sleep.

Mom, how much do you weigh?

There was this little boy. He wanted to know more about his mom so he asked her,' Mom, how much do you weigh?'

His mom answered, 'Don't ask me or any other woman that question.'

He left, then came back again. He asked, 'How old are you?'

She answered yet again, 'Don't ever ask me or any other woman that question.'

He finally asked a pretty subtle question. He asked,' Mother how tall are you?' She told him to get her driver's license.

He came running back asking, 'Mom was the reason you got a divorce, was because you have an 'F' in sex?'

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-t...

Chuck Norris can win tic-tac-toe in one move.

The Wailing Wall

A journalist assigned to the Jerusalem bureau takes an

apartment overlooking the Wailing Wall. Every day when she

looks out, she sees an old Jewish man praying vigorously. So,

the journalist goes down and introduces herself to the old

man.

She asks, "You come every day to the wall. How long have you

done that and what are you praying for?" The old man

replies, "I have come here to pray every day for 25 years. In

the morning I pray for world peace and then for the

brotherhood of man. I go home have a cup of tea and I come

back and pray for the eradication of illness and disease from

the earth."

The journalist is amazed. "How does it make you feel to come

here every day for 25 years and pray for these things?" she

asks.

The old man looks at her sadly. "Like I'm talking to a

wall."

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his...

Chuck Norris doesn't brush his teeth, he scares the plaque off each morning by snarling in the mirror.

Census...

Census Taker: 'How many children do you have?'
Woman: 'Four.'
Census Taker: 'May I have their names, please?'
Woman: 'Eenie, Meenie, Minie and George.'
Census Taker: 'Okay, that's fine. But may I ask why you named your fourth child George?'
Woman: 'Because we didn't want any Moe.'

Compassion With an Umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was in India, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.
The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

Hindu Happy Birthday

Q: What does a Hindu wish someone on their birthday?
A: May you have many happy returns.

Blonde Bet

Bob, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.
The 10:00 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.'
The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob, saying, 'Fair's fair. Here's your money.'
Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 6 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'
The blonde replied, 'I saw it too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money......

A little girl was talking to h...

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though a whale is a very large mammal, its throat is very small. The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale. The teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a human, it was impossible. The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, "What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him!"

Cannibal jokes

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other, 'Does this taste funny to you?'

That reminds me of the cannibal that passed his friend in the woods.....

When do cannibals leave the table? When everyone's eaten.......

What is a cannibal's favorite type of TV show? A celebrity roast.....

Where do cannibals shop for fine furniture? Eatin' Allen's......

What do cannibals eat for dessert? Chocolate covered aunts......

What do cannibals make out of politicians? Baloney sandwiches......

Have you heard about the cannibal restaurant? Dinner costs an arm and a leg......

Did you hear about the cannibal who loved fast food? He ordered apizza with everybody on it.......

Cannibal's recipe book: How to Serve Your Fellow Man.......

One cannibal to another: I never met a man I didn't like...........

Two cannibals were sitting by a fire. The first says, 'Gee, I hate my mother-in-law.' The 2nd replies, 'So, try the potatoes.'

Dog in Heat

A little girl asked her Mom, "Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, "No, because she is in heat."
"What's that mean?" asked the child.
"Go ask your father. I think he's in the garage."
The little girl goes to the garage and says, "Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you."
Dad said, "Bring Belle over here."
He took a rag, soaked it with gasoline, and scrubbed the dog's backside with it and said, "Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block." The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, "Where's Belle?"
The little girl said, "She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home."