Jokes of the day for Thursday, 17 February 2022

When Rob Ford came back it was

When Rob Ford came back it was like ‘Release the Crackin!‘

Playing Doctor

Steve complained to his friend Al that lovemaking with his wife was becoming routine and boring.
"Get creative buddy. Break up the monotony. Why don't you try playing doctor for an hour?"
"Sounds great," Steve replied, "but how do you make it last for an hour?"

"Hell, just keep her in the waiting room for 45 minutes!"

Standing on the tee of a relat

Standing on the tee of a relatively long par three, a confident golfer said to his caddy, "Looks like a four-wood and a putt to me."
The caddy argued with him a bit and suggested that he instead play it safe and hit a 4-iron then a wedge.
The golfer was insulted and proceeded to berate the caddy on the tee telling him that he was a better golfer than that and how dare he under estimate his game.
So, giving in the caddy handed the gentleman the four-wood he had asked for.
He proceeded to top the ball and watched as it folled about fifteen yards off the front of the tee.
Immediately the caddy handed him his putter and said, "And now for one hell of a putt..."

Named After Your Father

Girl: Were you named after your father?
Boy: No.
Girl: You were named BEFORE your father?

I forgot!

"I want to divorce my husband because he has a lousy memory!"

"Why would you want to divorce him for that?"

"Every time he gets around a young woman, he keeps forgetting that he's married!"

Slept with

An old couple were talking. The wife asked her husband, "How many women have you slept with?"

"Only you, Darling,” the man replied proudly. “With all the others I was awake."

Its hard to describe in one se...

Its hard to describe in one sentence the Obama legacy so far. What with earning a Nobel Peace Prize, getting U.S. troops out of Iraq and Afghanistan, closing Guantanamo Bay, trying terrorists in Federal Courts on U.S. soil, stopping the influx of illegal aliens, creating jobs, lowering the deficit, balancing the budget and cutting the cost of medical treatment while insuring the masses.
Some critics have asked the difference between Obama's accomplishments and a car battery.
A car battery has a positive side.

Whenever John wanted to have s...

Whenever John wanted to have sex he would say to Mary "Lets do some laundry, honey".

Well one day Mary felt horny so she said to John "Honey, how about doing some laundry?"

John replied "No thanks honey, I only had a small load so I did it by hand.

A guy sees an advertisement in...

A guy sees an advertisement in a pet-shop window: "Talking Centipede $100."
The guy goes in and buys it. He gets home, opens the box and asks the centipede if he wants to go for a beer.
The centipede doesn't answer, so the guy closes the lid, convinced he's been swindled. Thirty minutes later he decides to try again.
He raises his voice and shouts, "Do you want to go for a beer?"
The centipede pokes his head out of the box and says, "Pipe down! I heard you the first time. I'm putting on my shoes!"

The Jewish Boy and the Muslim Boy

David, a Jewish boy, and Ali, a Muslim boy, are having a conversation.
Ali: I'm getting operated on tomorrow.
David: Oh? What are they going to do?
Ali: Circumcise me!
David: I had that done when I was just a few days old.
Ali: Did it hurt?
David: I couldn't walk for a year!

Two men were talking...

Two men were talking. "So, how's your sex life?"
"Oh, nothing special. I'm having Social Security sex."
"Social Security sex?"
"Yeah, you know; I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!"

How do you keep a dude busy?

How do you keep a dude busy?
- Give him a pack of M&Ms and ask him to put the candies in alphabetical order.

A husband is at home watching...

A husband is at home watching a football game when his wife interrupts, "Honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? It's been flickering for weeks now."
He looks at her and says angrily, "Fix the light? Now? Does it look like I have a G.E. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Well then, could you fix the fridge door? It won't close right." To which he replied, "Fix the fridge door? Does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."
"Fine," she says, "Then could you at least fix the steps to the front door? They're about to break."
"I'm not a damn carpenter and I don't want to fix the steps," he says. "Does it look like I have Ace Hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!"
So he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours. He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. As he walks into the house, he notices the steps are already fixed. As he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. As he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. "Honey, how'd this all get fixed?"
She said, "Well, when you left, I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either screw him or bake him a cake."
He said, "So, what kind of cake did you bake him?"
She replied, "Hellooooo... Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

Sweet Jeepsus!

Sweet Jeepsus!
I Drive a Christler!

It's been my life l...

“It's been my life long vision to become an optometrist, but I just couldn't see a way to make it happen.”