Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 09 March 2022

How do you track rodent popula

How do you track rodent populations? With a MySQuirreL database.

The Toughest School

My friends from New York talk about how tough their schools were. I’m not impressed. I'm from Texas.
My school had it’s own coroner.
We used to write essays like: “What I want to be IF I grow up...”

Arthur is 90 years old. He's

Arthur is 90 years old. He's played golf every day since his retirement 25 years ago. One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it", he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad that, once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes, and makes him a cuppa. As they sit down she says, "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try?"
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother's a hundred and three. He can't help."
"He may be a hundred and three," says his wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So, the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law. He tees up, takes an almighty swing and squints down the fairway. He turns to his brother-in-law, "Did you see the ball?"
"Of course I did," replies his brother-in-law.
"Where did it go?" asks Arthur.
"I can't remember."

Bad Day On The Golf Course

An avid golfer was late coming home from his weekly game. As he dragged himself wearily through the door, his worried wife met him. "Honey," she said, "How was your game? Why are you so late?"

"Well," he replied, "this had to be the worst, hardest game of my life. Jack died out there on the golf course. Just had a heart attack at the second hole and then died."

"Oh, no!" she cried. "How awful for you! He was your best friend! No wonder you are late....."

"Yes, the ordeal really wore me out.," he said, "the whole rest of the game it was hit the ball, drag Jack, hit the ball, drag Jack......"

Tough choice

A wife asks her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?"

He looks at her from head to toe and replied: “I like your sense of humor!”

The ABC's of Marriage

After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).

up, comedians, funny videos, d...

up, comedians, funny videos, dane cook, mike birbiglia, eugene mirman, demetri martin, jeff dunham, katt williams, daily joke, joke of the day, funny jokes, yo mama, jokes, redneck, blond, george bush, bush, lawyer, favorite, list, animal, college, dumb

Natasha Leggero: Boston Blackout

This girl comes up to me with this thick Boston accent and shes like, Hey, youve seriously never woke up at a party and some guy was inside you? I never woke up at a party.

Men are like a pack of Cards...

Men are like a pack of Cards:
A "heart" to love them
A "diamond" to marry them
A "club" to smack them and
A "spade" to bury the body...

Kidnapped

Most Friday nights at the naval station in Bermuda, we would assemble at the officer's club after work. Z
One Friday, Rick, a newly married ensign, insisted he had to leave at 6 p.m.
We all tried to talk him into staying, but he'd promised his bride he'd be home by six. I offered to call home for Rick.
When his wife answered the phone, I said, 'Rick has been kidnapped.
Put five dollars in small, unmarked bills in a plain brown paper bag and throw it in the door of the officer's club.' Then I hung up.
A short time later, a waiter brought a grocery bag to our table.
In it were Rick's baseball glove, a tennis racket, and a teddy bear.
Attached to the bear was a note: 'Rick can play kidnapped until 7 p.m. Then he must come home.'

For her role in kidnapping the 101...

For her role in kidnapping the 101 spotted dogs, Cruella De Ville was sentenced to the fires of eternal dalmation.

Late Again

Teacher: "Why are you late this morning?"
Student: "Its my alarm clock. Everyone got up except me!"
Teacher: How did the alarm clock make you the only one not to get up?"
Student: "There are eight of us in the my family and the alarm clock was only set for seven."

A completely inebriated man wa...

A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter.
A cop pulled up and said, "I've got to take you in, pal. You're obviously drunk."
Our wasted friend asked, "Officer, are ya absolutely sure I'm drunk?"
"Yeah, buddy, I'm sure," said the copper. "Let's go."
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, "Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled."

A man seating on a window seat...

A man seating on a window seat discovered two engines on fire. He began to holler, two engines on fire! Two engines on fire! The passengers began to panic. Suddenly the pilot ran from the cockpit with a parachute on his back. “Don’t worry”! He yelled. I’m going for help!

Gardening Skills

Has anyone else's gardening skills improved during this quarantine like mine have?
I planted myself on the sofa at the start of April and I’ve grown bigger ever since.