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Jokes of the day for Friday, 25 March 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 25 March 2022

A woman goes away on vacation

A woman goes away on vacation and has her brother watch her cat. On the second day, when she calls her brother to see how things are going he tells her that the cat is dead.
The woman immediately goes into hysterics, really upset and says, "You can't tell a person bad news like that. The first day, you should have said that Fluffy was stuck on the roof and couldn't get down. The second day, you could have said that she had fallen, but the vet said she would be ok. The third day you could have said that she died from complications."
The next day the brother calls the woman up and says, "I have news."
"What?"
"Grandma is stuck on the roof and can't get down ..."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

The Last Quarter

The economy is terrible. At the beginning of the year, the politicians promised things would improve by the last quarter...
Well, I'm down to my last quarter and they haven't improved!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

SLIDESHOW #23 - Funny Photo Slideshow
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 February 2017
  • Currently 1.50/10

Rating: 1.5/10 (8)

Saving the President...

One day Bill Clinton was out jogging and he accidently tripped and fell off a bridge into the cold water below...

Three 10 year old boys were playing along the river and saw him fall in so they all jumped in and saved him and dragged him to shore.

He was so thankful that he told each of them, "Boys, you just saved the President of the United States and each of you deserve a reward."

The first boy says, "I want to go to Disneyland!"

"I'll take you there myself!!!" exclaims Bill.

The second boy says, "I want a brand new pair of autographed Nike Air Jordans."

"I'll buy them for you myself," says Bill

"And I want a motorized wheelchair with a stereo built into it with custom speakers" the third boy says.

The president looks at the boy and says, "But son you don't look like you are handicapped to me"

The boy says, "I'm going to be when my dad finds out that I saved you from drowning!!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 12 April 2016
  • Currently 6.17/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (6)

The Sklar Brothers: Aggressive Advertising

Jason Sklar: It was the most aggressive advertisement weve ever seen. It was a bus bench ad advertising bus bench ads.

Randy Sklar: It was like the M.C. Escher of advertising
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 25 March 2010
  • Currently 3.90/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (52)

Chelsea Peretti: Getting Attacked

I always think, what would I do if someone tried to get me? My first thought is just something dumb, like Id try to pick my nose and just be gross. In my mind a rapist is just some white hat frat boy whod just be like, Ugh nasty, forget it. Learn some manners.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 March 2011
  • Currently 3.15/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (52)

Answering Machine Message 251


Alpha Centauri Space Station. Commander Marlin can't come to the phone right now. He's either saving the universe from some dread, unnamed peril, or perhaps taking a nappie. Leave your name and number after the beep and he will return your call.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 25 March 2011
  • Currently 4.06/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (48)

School Report

Our 15-year-old daughter, Melanie, had to write a report for school about World War II, specifically D-Day and the invasion of Normandy.

“Isn't there a movie about that?” she asked.

I told her there was, but I couldn't think of the name.

Then it came to her, “Oh, I remember! Isn't it something like ‘Finding Private Nemo'?”

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 25 March 2012
  • Currently 4.23/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (43)

Our Favorite Lightbulb Jokes

HOW MANY ZEN BUDDHISTS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Three. One to change the lightbulb, one NOT to change the lightbulb, and one to neither change nor not change the lightbulb.
HOW MANY EPISCOPALIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Eight. One to call the electrician, and seven to say how much they liked the old one better.
HOW MANY UNITARIANS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: The Unitarians wish to issue the following statement:
"We choose not to make a statement either in favor of or against the need for a lightbulb; however, if in your own journey you have found that lightbulbs work for you, that is fine. You are invited to write a poem or compose a modern dance about your personal relationship with your lightbulb, and present it next month at our annual lightbulb Sunday service, in which we will explore a number of lightbulb traditions, including incandescent, fluorescent, three-way, long-life and tinted, all of which are equally valid paths to luminescence."
HOW MANY PENTECOSTALS DOES IT TAKE TO CHANGE A LIGHTBULB?
A: Ten. One to change the bulb and nine to pray against the spirit of darkness.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 25 March 2009
  • Currently 3.92/10

Rating: 3.9/10 (37)

Horse Race

A champion jockey is about to enter an important race on a new horse. The horse's trainer meets him before the race and says, "All you have to remember with this horse is that every time you approach a jump, you have to shout, 'ALLLLEEE OOOP!' really loudly in the horse's ear. Providing you do that, you'll be fine."
The jockey thinks the trainer is mad but promises to shout the command. The race begins and they approach the first hurdle. The jockey ignores the trainer's ridiculous advice and the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
They carry on and approach the second hurdle. The jockey, somewhat embarrassed, whispers 'Aleeee ooop' in the horse's ear. The same thing happens--the horse crashes straight through the center of the jump.
At the third hurdle, the jockey thinks, "It's no good, I'll have to do it," and yells, "ALLLEEE OOOP!" really loudly. Sure enough, the horse sails over the jump with no problems. This continues for the rest of the race, but due to the earlier problems the horse only finishes third.
The trainer is fuming and asks the jockey what went wrong. The jockey replies, "Nothing is wrong with me - it's this horse. What is he - deaf or something?"
The trainer replies, "Deaf?? DEAF?? He's not deaf--he's BLIND!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 16 September 2013
  • Currently 3.43/10

Rating: 3.4/10 (7)

A husband and wife were in the...

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said, "I gotta have you!"
He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.
When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said, "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"
His wife replies, "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 22 August 2015
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (45)

Mermaids are excelle...

“Mermaids are excellent journeyers because they can avoid pier pressure, make a splash, ride the waves, and seas the day.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 13 June 2017
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

Better than money

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf, and sex."

#joke #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 17 October 2019
  • Currently 8.15/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (27)

Haven't taken a shot a lawyers in a while so …..

Three friends, a Rabbi, a Hindu holy man and a lawyer, had car trouble in the countryside and asked to spend the night with a farmer.

The farmer said, “There might be a problem; you see, I only have room for two to sleep, so one of you must sleep in the barn.” “No problem,” chimed the Rabbi, “My people wandered in the desert for forty years, I am humble enough to sleep in the barn for an evening in their memory.” With that he departed to the barn and the others bedded down for the night.

Moments later a knock was heard at the door; the farmer opened the door. There stood the Rabbi from the barn. “What’s wrong?” asked the farmer.  He replied, “I am grateful to you, good sir, but I can’t sleep in the barn. There is a pig in the barn and my faith believes that is an unclean animal.”

His Hindu friend agreed to swap places with him. But a few minutes later the same scene reoccurred. There was a knock on the door.  “What’s wrong, now?” the farmer asked.  The Hindu holy man replied, “I too am grateful for your helping us out but there is a cow in the barn and in my country cows are considered sacred. I can’t sleep on holy ground!”

Well, that left only the lawyer to make the change. He grumbled and complained, but went out to the barn.

Moments later there was another knock on the farmers door.

Frustrated and tired, the farmer opened the door, and there stood…

The pig and the cow.

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 01 November 2017
  • Currently 8.08/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (12)

Talking Frog

A guy is 86 years old and loves to fish. He was sitting in his boat the other day when he heard a voice say,
"Pick me up."
He looked around and couldn't see any one. He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say again,
"Pick me up." He looked in the water and there, floating on the top was a frog.
The man said, "Are you talking to me?"
The frog said, "Yes, I'm talking to you. Pick me up.
Then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you have ever seen.
I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because you will have me as your bride."
The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.
Then the frog said, "What, are you nuts? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."
He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."   

#joke
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (9)

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