Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 April 2022
| Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 03 April 2022 |
It's Expensive
Think the price of gas is expensive?
Have you seen the price of chimneys?
They are going through the roof!
A woman's husband comes home
A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed."
"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
What's the most frustrat
What's the most frustrating thing for a dog in a car?The preacher and the peanuts...
One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him.
'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks the lady.
'Help yourself,' she replies.
After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eated almost all of the peanuts in the bowl.
'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I only meant to eat a few.'
'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them.'
A bishop, a boy scout and the ...
A bishop, a boy scout and the Brain of Britain were passengers in a small plane. The pilot announced serious trouble and asked everyone to leave the aircraft. However, there were only two parachutes, so the bishop suggested that as he was the oldest, he should stay behind. The scout said: "Don't worry sir! There are still two parachutes. The Brain of Britain has jumped using my haversack!"The Bronze Statues
A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."
A passerby noticed a couple of...
A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing.Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again.
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
Dumb Instructions
“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.
“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.
“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.
“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.
“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.
“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.
“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.
“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.
“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).
“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.
“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.
“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.
“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.
“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.
“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.
Easter Bunny
Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? A: He doesnt want anyone to know hes f**king chickens.
People who don't know the opposite of in
Shout OUT to people who don't know the opposite of in! Church Every Sunday?
Son: "Dad, did you go to Church when you were little?" Dad: "Yes son, every single Sunday."
Son: "I thought so. Bet it won't do me any good either."
A man walks into a piano store...
A man walks into a piano store and says, "I would like to buy a hairy piano." Perplexed, the sales clerk asked, "Why do you want a hairy piano?!" Nonchalantly, the customer responded, "Well, the last piano store only had Baldwins." How Much
Hey, cabby! How much to take me to the station?
"Five bucks, sir."
"And how much for my suitcase?"
"No charge for the suitcase, sir."
"Okay. Take the case and I'll walk."