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Jokes of the day for Sunday, 03 April 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Sunday, 03 April 2022

It's Expensive

Think the price of gas is expensive?
Have you seen the price of chimneys?
They are going through the roof!

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 2.94/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (16)

A woman's husband comes home

A woman's husband comes home hammered every night and she always yells at him before going to bed alone.
One day she decides to try some reverse psychology. When her husband staggers in that night, she's waiting for him in her best lingerie. She sits him in an armchair and gives him a backrub.
"It's getting late, big boy," she says after a few minutes. "Why don't we go upstairs to bed."
"We might as well," slurs the husband. "I'm going to be in trouble when I get home, anyway."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 December 2021
  • Currently 5.90/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (10)

What's the most frustrat

What's the most frustrating thing for a dog in a car?
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 March 2020
  • Currently 3.82/10

Rating: 3.8/10 (11)

The preacher and the peanuts...

One day a preacher goes to visit an elderly lady. As he is sitting there talking with her, he notices a bowl of peanuts sitting on the table in front of him.

'Do you mind if I have a few peanuts?' he asks the lady.

'Help yourself,' she replies.

After about an hour and a half visit, he gets up to leave and notices that he has eated almost all of the peanuts in the bowl.

'I apologize,' he says to the elderly lady. 'I only meant to eat a few.'

'That's okay,' says the lady, 'Since I've lost my teeth, all I've been able to do is suck the chocolate off of them.'

#joke #food #peanuts #chocolate
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 April 2016
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

Problem remedy

A woman goes to see her doctor and explains that every time she sneezes, she has a massive climax.

"Are you taking anything for it?" her doctor asks.

"Yes," she replies: "Pepper."

#joke #short #doctor #food #pepper
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 08 December 2014
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

A bishop, a boy scout and the ...

A bishop, a boy scout and the Brain of Britain were passengers in a small plane. The pilot announced serious trouble and asked everyone to leave the aircraft. However, there were only two parachutes, so the bishop suggested that as he was the oldest, he should stay behind. The scout said: "Don't worry sir! There are still two parachutes. The Brain of Britain has jumped using my haversack!"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 4.36/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (53)

The Bronze Statues


A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco's Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
"Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it."
"You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."
The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store, two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars. Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt.
No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him. Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into San Francisco Bay with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the sea, where they drown.
Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop.
"Ah, so you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner.
"No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze lawyer."

#joke #lawyer #animal #rat
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 5.66/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (50)

A passerby noticed a couple of...

A passerby noticed a couple of city workers working along the city sidewalks. The man was quite impressed with their hard work, but he couldn't understand what they were doing. 
Finally, he approached the workers and asked, "I appreciate how hard you're both working, but what the heck are you doing? It seems that one of you digs a hole, and then the other guy immediately fills it back up again. 
One of the city workers explained, "The third guy who plants the trees is off sick today."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 6.47/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (43)

Dumb Instructions

“Warning: May contain nuts.” — On a package of peanuts.

“Do not eat.” — On a slip of paper in a stereo box, referring to the styrofoam packing.

“Access hole only — not intended for use in lifting box.” — On the sides of a shipping carton, just above cut-out openings which one would assume were handholds.

“Warning: May cause drowsiness.” — On a bottle of Nytol, a brand of sleeping pills.

“Warning: Misuse may cause injury or death.” — Stamped on the metal barrel of a .22 calibre rifle.

“Do not use orally after using rectally.” — In the instructions for an electric thermometer.

“Turn off motor before using this product.” — On the packaging for a chain saw file, used to sharpen the cutting teeth on the chain.

“Not to be used as a personal flotation device.” — On a 6×10 inch inflatable picture frame.

“Do not put in mouth.” — On a box of bottle rockets.

“Please remove before driving.” — On the back of a cardboard windshield (for keeping the car from getting too hot when parked).

“Remove plastic before eating.” — On the wrapper of a Fruit Roll-Up snack.

“Not dishwasher safe.” — On a remote control for a TV.

“For lifting purposes only.” — On the box for a car jack.

“Do not put lit candles on phone.” — On the instructions for a cordless phone.

“Warning! This is not underwear! Do not attempt to put in pants.” — On the packaging for a wristwatch.

“Do not recharge, put in backwards, or use.” — On a battery.

#joke #fruit #food #peanuts #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 03 April 2012
  • Currently 4.98/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (42)

Easter Bunny

Q: Why does the easter bunny hide his eggs? A: He doesnt want anyone to know hes f**king chickens.
#joke #short #animal #bunny #chicken #food #egg
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 April 2010
  • Currently 5.16/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (38)

Pastry chefs

“Pastry chefs never die - they just croissant over to the other side.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 June 2020
  • Currently 4.10/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (10)

A man walks into a bar with hi...

A man walks into a bar with his pet alligator. He asks the bartender, “Do you serve lawyers here?” “Yes, we do!”
“Good. Give me a beer, and I’ll have a lawyer for my alligator.”
#joke #short #lawyer #walksintoabar #animal #alligator #pet #drinks #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 19 December 2010
  • Currently 6.75/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (4)

Dickens's Martini

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender asks, "Olive or twist?"

#joke #short #walksintoabar #food #olive
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 12 November 2014
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Like an olympic sprinter

Three women were sitting around talking about their sex lives.

The first said, “I think my husband’s like a championship golfer. He’s spent the last ten years perfecting his stroke.”

The second woman said, “My husband’s like the winner of the Indy 500. Every time we get into bed he gives me several hundred exciting laps.”

The third woman was silent until she was asked, “Tell us about your husband.”

She thought for a moment and said, “My husband’s like an Olympic sprinter.”

“He’s got his time down to under 11 seconds.”

#joke #sport #golfer #olympic
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 29 November 2014
  • Currently 7.33/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (12)

A doctor in a teaching hospita...

A doctor in a teaching hospital was discussing an X-ray with his students.
“This patient has been walking with a pronounced limp for some time,” he said. “The X-ray shows us his fibula and tibia are radically arched.” He pointed to a student. “You…what would you do in this case?” “Well, gee!” said student. I guess I’d limp, too.”
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 26 October 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

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