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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 21 April 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 21 April 2022

Fly In My Soup

"Waiter, there's a fly in my soup!"
"Don't worry, sir, the spider in your salad will get it."

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.43/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (7)

The Portland undertaker'

The Portland undertaker's society started a new periodical, called the Maggot Zine. It features weekly new fleshes. Apparently their readership is very dessicated. Since the Zine is free, they rely heavily on their Oregon donors.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 January 2020
  • Currently 1.40/10

Rating: 1.4/10 (10)

SLIDESHOW #35 - Funny Photo Slideshow

The traveling salesman

The traveling salesman's car broke down in the country and he knocked on the farmhouse door. When the farmer opened the door, the salesman said, "Sir, my car has broken down, and I was wondering if you might be able to put me up for the night?"

The farmer said, "Why, sure, but you will have to sleep with my son."

The salesman hesitated then said, "Excuse me, sir, but I think I'm in the wrong joke."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 09 May 2016
  • Currently 2.44/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (9)

Thinking about the future

Q. How does a man show he's planning for the future?

A. He buys two cases of beer instead of one.

#joke #short #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 07 January 2015
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

A father put his three year ol...

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this: "God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy, and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died.
"Oh, my gosh", thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound. Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me. This morning the milkman dropped dead on our porch."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 April 2017
  • Currently 9.09/10

Rating: 9.1/10 (55)

Where babies from?

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her youngest daughter walks in.

Mother, where do babies come from?

Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mommy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and daddy's room you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Jewelry, dear.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 21 April 2012
  • Currently 4.82/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (50)

How to Cure a Headache

A guy has been suffering from severe headaches for years

with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's

referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The

doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies.

"I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across

my scalp and...."

He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing

right behind the left ear".

"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"

"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you

know. But I myself suffered from that same type of headache

for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp

muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my

wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs

together with all her strength and the pressure would relieve

the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and

come back and let me know how it goes".

Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you

feel?"

"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a headache

since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough.

And, by the way you have a lovely home."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 21 April 2011
  • Currently 5.80/10

Rating: 5.8/10 (40)

Shoulda Said

This guy walks into a bar with his golden retriever.

''Hey, can I get a drink on the house if my dog talks for you?''

''Dogs can't talk, pal. But if you can prove to me yours does, I'll give you a drink. If not, I get to kick your ass.''

''Okay,'' says the guy. He turns to his dog. ''Okay fella. Tell me -- what is on top of a house?''

''Roof!'' The man turns and smiles at the bartender.

''THAT ain't talking! Any dog can bark!''

''Okay boy. Tell me -- how does sandpaper feel?''

''Ruff!"

''What the hell you tryin' to pull mister?''

''Okay, okay," says the man. "One more question please. Okay buddy, tell me -- who is the greatest ball player who ever lived?''

"Ruth."

The bartender beats the hell out of the guy and throws onto the sidewalk outside of the bar, then throws the dog out next to him. The dog stands up and looks at the guy.

"Geez. Maybe I shoulda said DiMaggio?"

#joke #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 21 April 2013
  • Currently 6.71/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (35)

Blondes it's not about gender

There was an Irishman, a Mexican, and a blond guy who worked construction together. They were working on top of a building one day, and it was lunch time. The Irish man opens his lunch pail and he sees he has cabbage and beef, and he says, 'If I get one more beef and cabbage for lunch I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
Then the Mexican opens his lunch pail and he gets a burrito, he says, 'if I get one more burrito for lunch I'm gonna jump off this building!'
The blond man opens his lunch pail and gets a bologna sandwich. He says, 'if I get one more bologna sandwich I'm gonna jump off of this building!'
The next day the Irish man opens his lunch pail and finds cabbage and beef so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the Mexican opens hid lunch pail and finds a burrito so he jumps off the building to his death.
Then the blond guy opens his lunch pail and finds a bologna sandwich, so he jumps off to his death as well.
The next day at their funeral the Irish man's wife said, 'If I only knew he was sick of cabbage and beef I would have packed him something else.'
Then the Mexican's wife then said, ''If I only knew he didn't like burritos, I would have packed something else.''
Finally, the blond man's wife said, 'I don't know what his problem was! He packed his own lunch!''

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 April 2017
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (35)

A wife, being the romantic sor...

A wife, being the romantic sort, sent her husband a text:
"If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you."
He replied, "I am in the bathroom. Please advise."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 04 November 2014
  • Currently 8.17/10

Rating: 8.2/10 (12)

Some Feedback

"Well, I reckon you've been a pretty good horse," said the farmer. "You work hard and I ain't had to call the vet on you much. I only wish you pulled the plow a little faster."
"NO!" said the horse, "I said 'feedbag' not 'feedback'."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 03 October 2020
  • Currently 9.26/10

Rating: 9.3/10 (19)

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye dog. They come to a busy intersection and the dog, ignoring the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind man right out into thethick of the traffic. This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.
The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on other side of the street and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket which he offers to the dog.
A passerby, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie? He nearly got you killed!"
The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies, "To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass."    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 July 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

The Great Nun Escape

During a fire at a convent, a group of nuns are trapped on the third floor. Thinking quickly, they took off their habits, tied them together and used them as a rope to climb down from the window.After safely reaching the ground, a reporter asks, “Weren’t you worried that the habits would have ripped as you were climbing down? They look old and worn.”“Of course not!” said one of the nuns. “Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?”
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 18 January 2017
  • Currently 7.07/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (14)

When the wise company presiden...

When the wise company president learned that his employees were tanking upon no-trace vodka martinis during their lunch hours, he issued the following memo:
To all employees; If you must drink during you lunch hours, please drink whiskey. It is better for our customers to know you're drunk than to think you're stupid.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 01 November 2015
  • Currently 8.72/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (18)

You Might Be A Redneck If...

You've ever given a set of Tupperware ice tea glasses as a wedding present.
Your dungarees expose more than half of your crack in the back because the weight of your pocket knife.
Your idea of heaven involves two shotguns and a keg of beer.
You picket your horses on your lawn so you won't have to mow it.
You're wearing a camoflauge jacket and dipping in your driver's license pic.
You stop to flirt with the person running the drive through at McDonalds.
You save old kitchen appliances for target practice.
You save old kitchen appliances for children's Christmas presents.
You get up EARLY on Saturday to go yard sale shopping for entertainment.
Your gun cabinet takes up half your living room.
#joke #christmas #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 29 December 2016
  • Currently 6.50/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (4)

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