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Jokes of the day for Monday, 02 May 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Monday, 02 May 2022

You can wed your lizard in the

You can wed your lizard in the US. They just legalized marry iguana.
#joke #short #animal #lizard
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.08/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (12)

Level Headed

Tom tried to calm himself down in the middle of a severe argument with his wife Jany. He said to her, “Let us not fight any more. We should try to sort this out in a level-headed manner.”
Fuming with anger, Jany replied, “No. Whenever we try to sort things out in a level-headed manner, I lose!”

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.09/10

Rating: 7.1/10 (11)

Thanks for the harmonica

"Thanks for the harmonica you gave me for Christmas," little Joshua said to his uncle the first time he saw him after the holidays. "It's the best present I ever got."
"That's great," said his uncle. "Do you know how to play it?"
"Oh, I don't play it," the little fellow said. "My mom gives me a dollar a day not to play it during the day and my dad gives me five dollars a week not to play it at night."
#joke #christmas
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Simon Says?

The new minister stood at the church door greeting the members as they left the Sunday morning service. While most of the people told the minster how much they liked his message, one man seemingly had a different opinion. “That was a very dull and boring sermon, Pastor,” he said. The pastor was a bit baffled by this, but he continued shaking hands.A few minutes later, the same man again appeared in line and said, “I don’t think you did much in the way of preparation for your message.”Once again, the man circled back and appeared in line, this time muttering, “You really blew it. You didn’t have a thing to say, Pastor.”Finally, the minister could stand it no longer. He went to one of the deacons and inquired about the man. “Oh, don’t let that guy bother you,” said the deacon. “He’s a little slow. All he does is go around repeating whatever he hears other people saying.”
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

A policeman's eyes

A policeman pulls a man over.

"Sir," he says, "I noticed that your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

"Officer," responds the man, "I noticed that your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"

#joke #short #policeman #food #eating
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 May 2016
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

Good thinking

Two brunettes and a blonde are driving in the desert when, all of a sudden, their car breaks down.

As none of them have any motoring knowledge, they decide to walk. Each of them decides to take one thing with her.

The first brunette takes some food in case she gets hungry, the second brunette takes some water in case she gets thirsty and the blonde takes a car door.

When questioned about her choice, the blonde replies:

"Well, if I get hot, I can roll down the window!"

#joke #blonde #food #hungry
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 January 2015
  • Currently 7.54/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (13)

The children were lined up in...

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray: 'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the apples'.
#joke #fruit #apple #food #lunch #chocolate
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 May 2015
  • Currently 8.88/10

Rating: 8.9/10 (69)

Feels great...

A fellow wakes up one morning, singing and whistling to himself, "I feel great, just great". Goes down to greet his wife, and tells her, "I feel great, honey!"

She replies,. "Well you look terrible"!

He shakes his head and starts out to work thinking, "She's probably in a bad mood, can't appreciate my good feelings". Meets his best friend, Joe and says, "Joe, I feel great".

Joe looks at him and says "Jeez, you really look terrible"! At this point the fellow is becoming worried and wonders, "Maybe I've got some unusual disease or something." He quickly calls his physician and heads on over for an emergency consult. He tells the physician, "Doc, I feel great, but everyone is telling me I look terrible."

The physician replies, "Well, you do look terrible. Let me look this up." The physician consults his handbook (Merck, of course) and leafing through the pages mutters to himself: "Feels great, looks great, no that's not you". "Feels terrible, looks terrible, no that's not you". "Feels great, looks terrible...Yes that's you... "It says here you're a vagina!"

#joke #food #honey
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 02 May 2010
  • Currently 4.36/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (61)

Chuck Norris can skip water on...

Chuck Norris can skip water on a rock.
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 02 May 2012
  • Currently 3.51/10

Rating: 3.5/10 (57)

Two elderly gentlemen, who had...

Two elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail. When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business.
After the two men were finished, they started for home and got to talking.
The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?"
The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch."
The first man asked, "How's that?"
"Well," said the second man, "when I nibbled on her breast... she farted and flew out the window!"
#joke #animal #cat
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 May 2015
  • Currently 7.50/10

Rating: 7.5/10 (56)

An Englishman wanted to become...

An Englishman wanted to become an Irishman, so he visited a doctor to find out how to go about this. "Well" said the doctor, "this is a very delicate operation and there is a lot that can go wrong. I will have to remove half your brain". "That's OK" said the Englishman. "I've always wanted to be Irish and I'm prepared to take the risk".
The operation went ahead but the Englishman woke to find a look of horror on the face of the doctor. "I'm so terribly sorry!!" the doctor said. "Instead of removing half the brain, I've taken the whole brain out". The patient replied, "No worries, mate!!"
#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 May 2009
  • Currently 5.68/10

Rating: 5.7/10 (53)

We all have times when life feels hard

We all have times when life feels hard; when we’re frustrated and tired and just want to hide away. If that’s you right now, don’t worry – every caterpillar has to rest to become a butterfly and you’ll soon find your wings again. In the mean time, let your Angels wrap you in theirs. You are so loved.
~Anna Taylor

#joke #animal #butterfly
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 10 June 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

Not a smartass

I'm not a … I am a skilled, trained in pointing out the and i speak fluent sarcasm.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 29 February 2016
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

Friday

SMILE it's a FRIDAY!
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 21 August 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Question And Answer Jokes

Q: How many lawyer jokes are there?
A: Just two, all the rest are true.
Q: What's the difference between a lawyer and a trampoline?
A: You take off your shoes before you jump on a trampoline.
Q: What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A: An offer you can't understand.
Q: What is a criminal lawyer?
A: Redundant.
Q: How many personal injury attorneys does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three--one to turn the bulb, one to shake him off the ladder, and the third to sue the ladder company.
Q: Why does California have the most attorneys, and New Jersey have the most toxic waste dumps?
A: New Jersey got first pick.
Q: What's black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 07 April 2018
  • Currently 7.20/10

Rating: 7.2/10 (5)

Jokes Archive

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