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Jokes of the day for Friday, 20 May 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Friday, 20 May 2022

Renegade theologians are now a

Renegade theologians are now arguing that Jesus was, in fact, somewhat evil. After all, his mother's sister was the Auntie Christ.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 2.00/10

Rating: 2.0/10 (4)

A customer wanted to ask his a

A customer wanted to ask his attractive waitress for a date, but couldn't get her attention. When he was able to catch her eye, she quickly looked away. Finally he followed her into the kitchen and blurted out his invitation. To his amazement, she readily consented.
He said, "Why have you been avoiding me all this time? You wouldn't even make eye contact."
"Oh," said the waitress, "I thought you wanted more coffee."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 6.44/10

Rating: 6.4/10 (9)

SLIDESHOW #122 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Desert Food

Two cowboys were lost in the desert when they spotted a tree draped in bacon strips.
"We're saved!" shouted one cowboy. But when he ran up to the tree, he was shot multiple times.
It wasn't a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 7.44/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (16)

50 funny things to do in an elevator

1. Make race car noises when people get on and off.

2. Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your Kleenex to other passengers.

3. Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"

4. Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

5. Sell Girl Scout Cookies.

6. On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.

7. Shave.

8. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"

9. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.

10. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

11. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

12. Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"

13. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."

14. One word: Flatulence!

15. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

16. Do Tai Chi exercises.

17. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."

18. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"

19. Give religious tracts to each passenger.

20. Meow occasionally.

21. Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.

22. Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"

23. Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.

24. Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.

25. Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.

26. Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.

27. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

28. Burp, then say, "Mmmmm.....tasty!"

29. Leave a box between the doors.

30. Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.

31. Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.

32. Start a sing-along.

33. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"

34. Play the accordion.

35. Shadow box.

36. Say, "Ding!" at each floor.

37. Lean against the button panel.

38. Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.

39. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

40. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

41. Bring a chair along.

42. Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"

43. Blow spit bubbles.

44. Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.

45. Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."

46. Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.

47. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

48. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

49. Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."

50. If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 07 June 2016
  • Currently 6.27/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (11)

Got used to sharing everything

An old man ordered one hamburger, one order of French fries and one drink. He then unwrapped the burger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, and then his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them.

As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them kept looking over and whispering. You could tell they were thinking: "That poor old couple -- all they can afford is one meal for the two of them."

As the man began to eat his fries, a young man came to the table. He politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said they were just fine -- they were used to sharing everything.

The surrounding people noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time, the old woman said: "No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything."

As the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady, who had yet to eat a single bite of food, and asked: "What is it you are waiting for?"

lobster eaters

She answered: "The teeth."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 February 2015
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

A guy was in a cave, looking f...

A guy was in a cave, looking for treasure. He found an old lamp, rubbed it, and a genie came out. The genie said "I will grant you three wishes, but your ex-wife will get double." The man agreed, and said "I wish I had a mansion." The genie granted it, and his ex-wife got two mansions. The man said "I would like a million dollars." The genie again granted it and his ex-wife got two million dollars. Then the man said, "Scare me half to death."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 May 2011
  • Currently 7.35/10

Rating: 7.4/10 (51)

Chuck Norris was once on Celeb...

Chuck Norris was once on Celebrity Wheel of Fortune and was the first to spin. The next 29 minutes of the show consisted of everyone standing around awkwardly, waiting for the wheel to stop.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 May 2012
  • Currently 3.24/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (49)

Mike Vecchione: Favorite Place to Taser

My favorite place to taser people: the Renaissance Fair. The Renaissance Fair cause it makes me feel like an evil wizard from the future.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 20 May 2011
  • Currently 4.83/10

Rating: 4.8/10 (47)

A pastor's wife was expecting...

A pastor's wife was expecting a baby, so he stood before the congregation and asked for a raise. After much discussion, they passed a rule that whenever the preacher's family expanded, so would his paycheck.
After 6 children, this started to get expensive and the congregation decided to hold another meeting to discuss the preacher's expanding salary. A great deal of yelling and inner bickering ensued, as to how much the clergyman's additional children were costing the church, and how much more it could potentially cost.
After listening to them for about an hour, the pastor rose from his chair and spoke, 'Children are a gift from God, and we will take as many gifts as He gives us'.
Silence fell on the congregation.
In the back pew, a little old lady struggled to stand, and finally said in her frail voice, 'Rain is also a gift from God, but when we get too much of it, we wear rubbers.'
The entire congregation said, 'Amen.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 20 May 2015
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (45)

Rowing Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 20 May 2012
  • Currently 5.94/10

Rating: 5.9/10 (36)

Use The Word

A pre-school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word "definitely" in a sentence?"
First a little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue."
The teacher says, "Sorry, Amy, but the sky can also be grey or orange."
Then a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green."
"Sorry, but in the autumn the trees are brown."
Johnny from the back of the class stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?"
The teacher looks horrified and says, "Johnny! Of course not!"
"OK. Then I have definitely shit my pants."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 September 2014
  • Currently 5.14/10

Rating: 5.1/10 (7)

Bad weather

This old man went to a whorehouse and said to the manager that he wanted something different.

So the manager sent him up to room "69".

He got in there and this woman named Hurricane Sally stripped him down and began working wonders.

Suddenly she pissed on his stomach, he asked, "What the hell was that?"

She replied, "That is the cooling rain falling all over you."

She got at it again and farted in his face.

He said, "What the hell was that?"

She then again replied, "That is the warm ocean winds blowing."

Suddenly the man got up and started to get dressed.

Hurricane Sally said, "Where are you going?"

He said, "Hell, a man can't fuck with this kind of weather!"

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Glaci

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 11 March 2016
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (8)

I want to open a pho...

“I want to open a photo processing store in a developing country.”

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 13 August 2015
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (5)

Tell The Whole Truth

Mr. Dewey was briefing his client, who was about to testify in his own defense.
"You must swear to tell the complete truth. Do you understand?"
The client replied that he did.
Then lawyer then asked, "Do you know what will happen if you don't tell the truth?"
The client looked back and said, "I imagine that our side will win."
#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 06 April 2015
  • Currently 8.00/10

Rating: 8.0/10 (7)

Not tonight, Adam

After a few days, the Lord called to Adam and said, "It is time for you and Eve to begin the process of populating the earth, so I want you to kiss her." Adam answered, "Yes, Lord, but what is a 'kiss'?" The Lord gave a brief description to Adam, who then took Eve by the hand and led her to a nearby bush. A few minutes later, Adam emerged and said, "Thank you, Lord. That was enjoyable." And the Lord replied, "Yes, Adam, I thought you might enjoy that. Now I'd like you to caress Eve."And Adam said, "What is 'caress'?" So the Lord again gave Adam a brief description and Adam went behind the bush with Eve. Quite a few minutes later, Adam returned, smiling, and said, "Lord, that was even better than the kiss!" And the Lord said, "You've done well, Adam. Now I want you to make love to Eve."And Adam asked, "What is 'make love' Lord?" So the Lord again gave Adam directions and Adam went again to Eve behind the bush, but this time he reappeared in two seconds. And Adam said, "Lord, what is a 'headache'?"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 05 September 2018
  • Currently 8.36/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (36)

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