Jokes of the day for Wednesday, 08 June 2022

Discard

Discarded animal entrails smell absolutely offal.

#joke #short

A man named John is feeling un

A man named John is feeling unwell, so he goes to see the doctor about it. The doctor tells him, "Well, it must be your diet. What sort of greens do you eat?"
John replies, "Well, I only eat peas. I hate all other green foods."
The doctor looks at him and says, "Well, there's your problem. All those peas are clogging up your system. You'll have to give them up."
John asks the doctor, "How long should I give them up for? I mean, I really like eating peas."
The doctor replies, shaking his head, "Well, forever I'm afraid. If you don't, you'll get sick again."
John is shocked by the doctor's suggestion, but he decides to give it a go. Sure enough, he starts feeling loads better after a couple of weeks and realizes that he'll never eat peas again.
Anyway, one night, years later, he's sitting in a bar having a conversation with friends. One of them says, "I'd love a cigarette, because I haven't had a smoke in four years. My wife persuaded me to give them up."
Another guy says, "I haven't played a game of golf in three years, because it cost me my first marriage. So I gave it up."
Then John says, "That's nothing. I haven't had a pea in six years!"
When he heard this, the barman jumps up and screams, "Okay, everyone who can't swim, grab a table!"

I Ain't Had No Fun

The teacher wrote on the blackboard: "I ain’t had no fun all summer.”
“Now Paul,” she began, “what shall I do to correct this?”
“Get a boyfriend?” Paul replied.

Run, Sister, Run!

Two nuns are running away from a bear, who is gaining on them. “Do you think we’ll be able to outrun him, Sister?” one of the nuns asks the other.“I don’t have to outrun him, Sister,” said the other nun. “I only have to outrun you.”

Dust

After church, Johnny tells his parents he has to go and talk to the minister right away. They agree and the pastor greets the family.

"Pastor," Johnny says, "I heard you say today that our bodies came from the dust."

"That's right, Johnny, I did."

"And I heard you say that when we die, our bodies go back to dust."

"Yes, I'm glad you were listening. Why do you ask?"

"Well you better come over to our house right away and look under my bed 'cause there's someone either comin' or goin'!"

The pickle slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for many years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer.

His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill said he would be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own.

One day a few weeks later, Bill came home and his wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't!" she exclaimed.

"Yes, I did," he replied.

"My God, Bill, what happened?" she asked.

"I got fired," he replied.

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" she demanded.

"Oh... she got fired too."

Chuck Norris was once in a kni...

Chuck Norris was once in a knife fight. The knife lost.

An elderly man in Phoenix call...

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing, forty-five years of misery is enough."
"Pop, what are you talking about?" the son screams.
"We can't stand the sight of each other any longer," the old man says.
"We're sick of each other, and I'm sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her," and he hangs up.
Frantic, the son calls his sister, who explodes on the phone. "Like heck they're getting divorced," she shouts, "I'll take care of this." She calls Phoenix immediately, and screams at the old man, "You are NOT getting divorced. Don't do a single thing until I get there. I'm calling my brother back, and we'll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?" and hangs up.
The old man hangs up his phone and turns to his wife. "Okay," he says, "They're coming for Thanksgiving and paying their own fares Now what do we tell them for Christmas?

Fifty Fun Things To Do During An Exam

You should not attempt these things during an actual exam. The following is meant for entertainment purposes only.
1. Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15 minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
2. Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the secret documents!!"
3. If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the integral symbol.
4. Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's left nostril.
5. Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm so sure you can hear me thinking. " Then start talking about what a jerk the instructor is.
6. Bring cheerleaders.
7. Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly say to the instructor, "I don't understand any of this. I've been to every lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who are you? Where's the regular guy?"
8. Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc. . . ). Play with the volume at max level.
9. On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be creative.
10. Bring pets.
11. Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the country" and run off.
12. Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas. "If you're really daring, ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
13. Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
14. Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your head, and nothing else.
15. Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as vulgar as possible.
16. Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
17. Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking. Blame it on the person nearest to you.
18. As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
19. Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the profits if they are allowed to stay.
20. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to another seat, continue with the exam.
21. Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out, start commenting on how easy it was.
22. Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE. etc. . ).
23. Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and answers completely blacked out.
24. Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down violently, scream out "Forget this!" and walk out triumphantly.
25. Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i. e. Threaten the instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after one hour to go drink)
26. Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
27. Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why, tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
28. Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
29. Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until they drag you away.
30. Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged. Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the exam.
31. Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say "you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our Lives is on!!!"
32. Bring a water pistol with you.
33. From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the River Kwai.
34. Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
35. If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations. If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
36. Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and shield.
37. Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
38. Bring cheat sheets for another class (make sure this is obvious. . . like history notes for a calculus exam. . . otherwise you're not just failing, you're getting kicked out too) and staple them to the exam, with the comment "Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit. "
39. When you walk in, complain about the heat.
40. After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
41. One word: Wrestlemania.
42. Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they do before concerts start.
43. Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
44. Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
45. Bring one pencil with a very sharp point. Break the point off your paper. Sharpen the pencil. Repeat this process for one hour.
46. Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc. . . sent to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
47. During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs, anything you can reach.
48. Complete the exam with everything you write being backwards at a 90 degree angle.
49. Bring a musical instrument with you, play various tunes. If you are asked to stop, say "it helps me think. " Bring a copy of the Student Handbook with you, challenging the instructor to find the section on musical instruments during finals. Don't forget to use the phrase "Told you so".
50. Answer the exam with the "Top Ten Reasons Why Professor xxxx is a Terrible Teacher"

Robert Schmidt 01

I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don't know what to feed it.

I made a chocolate cake with white chocolate. Then I took it to a potluck. I stood in line for some cake. They said, "Do you want white cake or chocolate cake?" I said, "Yes".

I saw a vegetarian wearing a furry coat. So I looked closer. It was made of grass.

My aunt gave me a walkie-talkie for my birthday. She says if I'm good, she'll give me the other one next year.

I eat Swiss cheese from the inside out. But I only nibble on it. I make the holes bigger.

I had amnesia once or twice.

I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.

I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.

I got a chain letter by FAX. It's very simple. You just FAX a dollar bill to everybody on the list.

 The Stained Clothes

The other day I was eating in an Italian restaurant when I accidentally spilled some spaghetti sauce on my favorite white sweater.
I wasn't too distressed, though, because Mr. Wong down on High Street has been doing my laundry for years, and I knew that he could remove just about any stain and get it out like it'd never been there.
So I took the sweater down to Wong's Laundry and dropped it off; Mr. Wong said he'd probably be able to have it cleaned by Thursday. So on Thursday afternoon after work I stopped by Wong's again.
Mr. Wong looked quite distressed when he saw me. He brought out the sweater and, apologizing profusely, explained that somehow this stain was beyond even his power to expunge.
And sure enough, though fainter than before, there was still a distinct red stain on the sweater. In an attempt to make up for his failure, Mr. Wong offered to send the sweater to his brother across town, who had been in the laundry business for an even longer time, and who might have a clue as to the method of removal of this extraordinarily persistent stain.
The elder Wong brother would rush it through at no extra charge, and should have it looking as white and clean as new by Friday. So on Friday I went back to Wong's to pick up my sweater, but when I arrived, Mr. Wong regretfully informed me that his brother, too, had failed to remove the red blotch. "No charge," said Wong, "but you must take sweater elsewhere to clean.
The Moral: ... Two Wongs cannot make a white."

How to Produce Ugly Children

Q: Which sexual position produces the ugliest children?

A: Ask your Mom.

Unputdownable Laughs: Jokes for Book Lovers Guaranteed to Elicit Giggles

Short book Jokes

A book fell on my head.
I can only blame my shelf.

I found a foolproof way to avoid sunburns.
It’s called ‘stay inside all day and read.’

I’ve spent all day reading.
It was bound to happen.

My TBR pile is out of control:
I have no shelf control.

After watching me read War and Peace, my son asked me,
“Dad, why is your book so thick?”
I said, “Well, it’s a long story.”

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity.
I just can’t put it down.

It’s so easy to get lost in a book about mazes.
I like big books and I cannot lie.

You can’t buy happiness, but you can buy books, and that’s practically the same thing.

That book about Mt. Everest
had quite a cliffhanger.

Dystopian novels
are so 1984.

Never read Fitzgerald?
You Gatsby kidding me!

I got my friend to read Jane Austen.
She just needed a little Persuasion.

Have you heard about Waldo? He went abroad and found himself.

ISBN thinking about you.

Past, present, and future walked into a bar.
It was tense.

Did you hear about the author in jail?
They put him in the writer’s block.
Couldn’t get past his first sentence.

Witches are the best editors because they always run spell-check.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.
It’s a step-by-step guide.

Talk wordy to me.

Q/A Book Jokes

Q: Why are books so afraid of their sequels?
A: Because they always come after them.

Q: Why do bookworms break up?
A: Because they’re not on the same page.

Q: Why are books so brave?
A: They have the spine for it.

Q: What do you call 2,000 mockingbirds?
A: Two kilo mockingbird.

Q: Why did the kid always sit in his wardrobe when reading a book?
A: Narnia business!

Q: What is Bigfoot’s favorite book?
A: Hairy Potter.

Q: What did the librarian say to someone who checked out over 100 books?
A: “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to overdue it.”

Q: Why did Dracula go to the library?
A: He wanted to sink his teeth into a good book.

Q: Why can’t you go to the world’s biggest library?
A: It’s always overbooked.

Q: How do libraries make sure novels stay warm?
A: They give them book jackets.

Q: Why was the library so tall?
A: Because it had a lot of stories.

Q: Why are writers always cold?
A: Because they’re surrounded by drafts.

Q: What is the spookiest kind of author?
A: A ghostwriter.

International Joke Day Jokes

International Joke Day, celebrated on July 1 every year, is an occasion to crack a joke or two with your friends and family.

Find funny short jokes here!

1. Why did the scarecrow win a Nobel prize?
Because she was outstanding in her field.

2. How do you know when a bike is thinking?
You can see their wheels turning.

3. Why was 6 afraid of 7?
Because 7,8,9.

4. What goes up and down but doesn’t move?
The staircase.

5. What kind of shoes do frogs love?
Open-toad!

6. How did the baby tell his mom he had a wet diaper?
He sent her a pee-mail.

7. What is a witch’s favorite subject in school?
Spelling.

8. What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.

9. Why do ducks always pay with cash?
Because they always have bills!

10. How did Benjamin Franklin feel holding his kite when he discovered electricity?
Shocked!

11. Which superhero hits home runs?
Batman!

12. What’s Thanos’ favorite app on his phone?
Snapchat.

13. Sandy’s mum has four kids; North, West, East. What is the name of the fourth child?
Sandy, obviously!

14. What is a room with no walls?
A mushroom.

15. Why did the blue jay get in trouble at school?
For tweeting on a test!

16. What social events do spiders love to attend?
Webbings.

17. What did one pickle say to the other?
Dill with it.

18. What is brown, hairy and wears sunglasses?
A coconut on vacation.

19. Why is a football stadium always cold?
It has lots of fans!

20. What did one math book say to the other?
“I’ve got so many problems.”

21. What did the Dalmatian say after lunch?
That hit the spot!

22. What do you call two bananas on the floor?
Slippers.

23. Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.

24. Why do ducks have feathers on their tails?
To cover their butt quacks.

25. How does a vampire start a letter?
“Tomb it may concern…”

26. A plane crashed in the jungle and every single person died. Who survived?
Married couples.

27. What kind of math do birds love?
Owl-gebra!

28. Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.

29. What do you call a Star Wars droid that takes the long way around?
R2 detour.

30. How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.

31. When does a joke become a “dad” joke?
When the punchline is a parent.

32. How much did the man sell his dead batteries for?
Nothing, they were free of charge!

Gun off a 3D printer

I heard that you can now print a gun off a 3D printer, but I am not impressed.

I’ve had a Canon printer for years.