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Jokes of the day for Saturday, 11 June 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Saturday, 11 June 2022

A small zoo just outside Belfa

A small zoo just outside Belfast obtained a very rare species of gorilla.
Within a few weeks the gorilla, a female, became very difficult to handle. Upon examination, the veterinarian determined the problem. The gorilla was in heat. To make matters worse, there was no male gorilla available.
Thinking about their problem, the Zoo Keeper thought of Paddy O'Riley, a part-time worker responsible for cleaning the animal cages. Paddy had little sense but possessed ample ability to satisfy a female of any species.
The Zoo Keeper thought they might have a solution. Paddy was approached with a proposition. Would he be willing to mate with the gorilla for £500.00?
Paddy showed some interest, but said he would have to think the matter over carefully. The following day, he announced that he would accept their offer, but only under five conditions:
"First", Paddy said, "I ain't gonna kiss her on the lips." The Keeper quickly agreed to this condition.
"Second", he said, "She must wear a "Ireland forever T-Shirt."
The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Third", he said, "you can't never tell no one about this." The keeper again readily agreed to this condition.
"Fourth", Paddy said, "I want all the children raised as Catholics." Once again it was agreed.
"And last," Paddy said, "I'll need another week to come up with the £500.00."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

Health Nut

After participating in a nutritional-health class, my 16 year-old daughter, Sarah, encouraged her sisters to try whole-grain breads and whole-wheat pasta, and complained if we were having anything that looked too processed.
At dinnertime one evening, she entered the kitchen, spied the food on the plates and boldly asked: "Are those whole-wheat potatoes?"

#joke
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

SLIDESHOW #38 - Funny Photo Slideshow

I saw the light!

Mr. and Mrs. Thomas were both 102 years old. They had been married 74 years. The local television station sent a news crew out to interview them.

"What we need to do," the reporter explained, "is to interview you separately. It just seems to make for a better write-up, when we do it that way. So, if you don't mind waiting, Mrs. Thomas, we'll go out on the porch with your husband and visit with him for a few moments first."

After they were settled on the porch, the reporter began his interview. "Mr. Thomas, I know you get tired of people asking you this, but what do you think is the cause of your longevity?"

"Well..." Mr. Thomas drawled thoughtfully. "I get up early every morning. I eat pretty good, you know, garden food and such....and...oh, yeah! God talks to me!"

The reporter stared up at him to see if he was kidding. "You mean God actually talks to you?"

"Yep," the old-timer replied sincerely. "We're pretty close. In fact, when I have to get up and go to the bathroom during the night, God even turns the light on for me."

The reporter quickly excused himself and went in search of Mrs. Thomas. "I don't mean anything unkind by this, Ma'am, but is Mr. Thomas okay...mentally, I mean?"

"Why?" she asks curiously.

"Well, he says that when he goes to the bathroom at night, God turns on the light for him," the reporter explained.

"Oh, damn!" Mrs. Thomas said, irritably. "Has that old fart been pissin' in the refrigerator again?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 29 June 2016
  • Currently 6.85/10

Rating: 6.8/10 (13)

If you need someone to park yo...

If you need someone to park your bicycle, look for a man with a handle bar must-stash.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 November 2010
  • Currently 4.00/10

Rating: 4.0/10 (6)

Life is like a box of chocolat...

Life is like a box of chocolates. You never know when Chuck Norris is going to kill you.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 June 2011
  • Currently 3.64/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (58)

The 6th grade science teacher...

The 6th grade science teacher, Mrs. Parks, asked her class, "Which human body part increases to ten times its size when stimulated?"

No one answered until little Mary stood up and said, "You should not be asking sixth-graders a question like that! I'm going to tell my parents, and they will go and tell the principal, who will then fire you!"

Mrs. Parks ignored her and asked the question again, "Which body part increases to 10 times its size when stimulated?"

Little Mary's mouth fell open. Then she said to those around her, "Boy, is she going to get in big trouble!"

The teacher continued to ignore her and said to the class, "Anybody?"

Finally, Billy stood up, looked around nervously, and said, "The body part that increases 10 times its size when stimulated is the pupil of the eye."

Mrs. Parks said, "Very good, Billy," then turned to Mary and
continued. "As for you, young lady, I have three things to say: One, you have a dirty mind. Two, you didn't read your homework. And three, one day you are going to be very, very disappointed."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 11 June 2017
  • Currently 9.04/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (52)

A woman meets a gorgeous man i...

A woman meets a gorgeous man in a bar. They talk, they connect, they end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment, she notices that his bedroom is completely packed with sweet cuddly teddy bears.

Hundreds of cute small bears on a shelf all the way along the floor, cuddly medium-sized ones on a shelf a little higher, and huge, enormous bears on the top shelf along the wall. The woman is kind of surprised that this guy would have a collection of teddy bears, especially one that's so extensive, but she decides not to mention this to him, and is quite impressed by his sensitive side.

She turns to him... they kiss... and then they rip each other's clothes off and make hot steamy love. After an intense night of passion with this sensitive guy, they are lying there together in the afterglow, the woman rolls over and asks, smiling, 'Well, how was it?'

The man says, 'You can have any prize from the bottom shelf.'
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 June 2011
  • Currently 6.55/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (42)

Shampoo

How do you keep a blonde in the shower all day?

Give her a bottle of shampoo which says "lather, rinse, repeat."

Submitted by Curtis

Edited by Calamjo

#joke #short #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 11 June 2011
  • Currently 5.97/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (31)

Demetri Martin: Employee of the Month

I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 11 June 2012
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (27)

Funniest tweet at Edinburgh fringe and 6 shortlisted

“wis walkin home n someone threw a block of cheese oot their windee n it hit me on the head, i turned n shouted that wisna very mature wis it”

This Cheesy pun was deemed the best joke of Scottish Twitter by a panel of comedians on 2019 Edinburgh fringe.

@marcsimps0n posted Winning Joke tweet. on Sep 28, 2017.

Other shortlisted entries:

Dreadin the day someone gets down on one knee and asks me to marry them cos a have a hefty double chin when a look down - TM (twitter - @TeiganMair)

Canny believe how expensive being alive is - Nicole Baird (@Nicolebairdd_X)

Mental that yer nipples are older than yer teeth - Danny Gilmartin(@DannyGilmartin1)

Fucking class having a shower at your girlfriends. Using stuff like a charcoal facial scrub and a pomegranate & mango shower milk, I’ve came out the shower smelling like a fresh fruit market on a hot summers day, feeling like a brand new woman. 13/10 would recommend. - Flanny (@LiamFlannigan1)

Also, check out The best Joke of 2019 Edinburgh fringe, alongside nine more jokes that almost won.
#joke #pun #short #fringe #fringe2019 #fringefestival #edinburghpringe
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 21 August 2019
  • Currently 2.86/10

Rating: 2.9/10 (7)

5 Blondes celebrate

Five blondes go into a bar and one of them says to the bartender, "A round of drinks for me and my friends."

They get their drinks and the raise their glasses to a toast of, "To 51 days!" and they drink.

The "head blonde" asks the bartender to set them up again.

Again, the blondes toast "To 51 days!" and they drink. After they order a third round, the bartender says that he has to ask what the toast means.

The head blonde says, "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. On the box it said, "two to four years" and we finished it in 51 days".

#joke #blonde
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 17 January 2010
  • Currently 7.83/10

Rating: 7.8/10 (42)

Four legs

A wife comes home late one night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

He says, "Hi darling, your parents have come to visit us, so I let them stay in our bedroom. Did you say hello?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 May 2016
  • Currently 8.49/10

Rating: 8.5/10 (57)

Password eight characters long

I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarves.

Nick Helm

Andrew Crowley

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 04 October 2015
  • Currently 8.33/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (3)

Time Machine

A scientist was convinced that his recent Time Machine invention could also double as a replicator.
To prove this, he sent his pet duck 1 minute and 2 minutes into the future simultaneously.
After a minute, the first duck appeared unharmed.
The second duck materialized and both ducks were instantly annihilated.
The appearance of the second duck had created a pair of ducks.

by Jester57

#joke
Joke | Source: Reddit Jokes: Get Your Funny On! - The funniest sub on reddit. Hundreds of jokes posted each day, and some of them aren't even reposts!
  • Currently 3.20/10

Rating: 3.2/10 (10)

Passport

An old lady had always wanted to travel abroad. Now that she was getting on in years, she thought she would really like to do so before she died.

Until now, she'd never even been out of the country. So she began by going in person to the Passport Office and asking how long it would take to have one issued.

"You must take the loyalty oath first," responded the passport clerk. "Raise your right hand, please. "The old gal raised her right hand.

"Do you swear to defend the Constitution of the United States against all its enemies, domestic or foreign?" was the first question.

The little old lady's face paled and her voice trembled as she asked in a small voice, "Uhhh . . . all by myself?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 01 July 2017
  • Currently 5.22/10

Rating: 5.2/10 (18)

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