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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 14 June 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 14 June 2022

Japanese goldfish act so Japanese goldfish act so koi.
#joke #short

Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Bury Me in Bloomingdales

An elderly woman from Brooklyn decided to prepare her will and make her final requests. She told her rabbi she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Bloomingdales."Bloomingdales!" the rabbi exclaimed. "Why Bloomingdales?""Then I'll be sure my daughters visit twice a week."-
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 7.27/10

Rating: 7.3/10 (15)

SLIDESHOW #43 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Swallowed by a Whale

A sailor was swallowed by a whale and lived to tell the tale.
When asked by a reporter what the scariest part was he answered, "The graffiti... someone wrote 'Pinocchio was here.'"

#joke #short
Joke | Source: A joke a day - Free Jokes of the Day Clean Funny Jokes via Email, Humor and Entertainment
  • Currently 5.00/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (10)

A guy was standing glumly at t

A guy was standing glumly at the bar.
"What's up?" asked his friend.
"My wife suggested we should play some sex games to spice up our love lives."
"Yeah, what's wrong with that?"
"Well, unfortunately 'Guess who I shagged last night?' didn't go down too well."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 4.22/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (18)

The hero

Joe is at the Pearly Gates waiting to be admitted while St. Peter is leafing through his files to see if Joe is worthy of entry.

"Joe," says St. Pete, "I can't see that you've done anything really bad in your life but I can't see that you've done anything really good that would qualify you for Heaven. Can you tell me ANY good deed you've ever done?"

Joe thinks for a moment and says "Sure. I was driving through a bad part of town when I saw about 50 biker guys assaulting this poor girl. I slammed on my brakes, grabbed a tire iron, and walked up to this big guy who seemed to be the leader. All these guys let the girl run away and they formed a circle around me to see what I was gonna do. I laid that tire iron right across his head and he dropped like a stone. Then I turned and yelled to the rest of them "If I ever see you guys around this town again, I'll give you a real lesson in pain."

"Wow" says St. Peter, "I guess you really do qualify for Heaven. Tell me, when did this happen?"

"Oh", says Joe, "about two minutes ago."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 July 2016
  • Currently 9.00/10

Rating: 9.0/10 (23)

Check Up

So I went to the doctor last week for a check up, and the doctor was like "you have GOT to stop masturbating!" and I was like "oh no Doc! Why?!?"

And he said "because I'm trying to examine you!"

#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 08 March 2015
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

Saddam Hussein was not found h...

Saddam Hussein was not found hiding in a "hole." Saddam was roundhouse-kicked in the head by Chuck Norris in Kansas, which sent him through the earth, stopping just short of the surface of Iraq.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 June 2011
  • Currently 2.38/10

Rating: 2.4/10 (65)

Kyle Kinane: Always a Miracle

Im in my 30s; everybodys having kids or miracles. Oh, its a miracle. Its always a miracle. Im like, You had sex, right? Yeah? Then no, thats exactly whats supposed to happen from that. I spend all my time preventing miracles; that is whats happening. I call it a miracle when the girl doesnt get pregnant. Thats when I start getting spiritual.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 June 2012
  • Currently 4.15/10

Rating: 4.2/10 (59)

No Wool Downstairs

A husky foreigner, looking for sex, accepted a prostitute's terms.

When she undressed, he noticed that she had no pubic hair.

The man shouted, "What, no wool? In my country all women have wool down there."

The prostitute snapped back, "What do you want to do, knit or have sex?"

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 14 June 2011
  • Currently 4.92/10

Rating: 4.9/10 (50)

Bless This Car

A rabbi, a priest and a minister have their houses of worship side by side, so they decide to carpool.
On the first day, the other two are shocked to see the pastor lay hands on the hood and pray silently.
"What are you doing?" the priest asks.
The pastor looks up. "I'm just dedicating the car to the Lord's service."
"Good idea! Be right back!" the priest exclaims, running into his church. He emerges with a bulb on a short stick, shaking water out of it onto the car.
The rabbi stares. "What are you doing?" he says.
"I'm consecrating it with holy water," the priest replies.
"Great idea!" the rabbi says, and runs into his synagogue's toolshed. He emerges with a hacksaw and takes off an inch of the tailpipe.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 14 June 2009
  • Currently 4.08/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (48)

Howard is 95 and lives in a se...

Howard is 95 and lives in a senior citizen home. Every night after dinner, Howard goes to a secluded garden behind the center to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Annabel, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat, and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Howard turns to Annabel and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?

She asks, "What?"

"SEX!!!"

Annabel exclaims, "Why you old fart, you couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!"

"I know," Howard says, "but it would be nice if a woman just held it for a while."

"Well, I can oblige", says Annabel, who gently unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it.

Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Annabel would hold Howard's manhood. Then,
one night, Howard didn't show up at their usual meeting place.

Alarmed, Annabel decided to find Howard and make sure that he was O.K. She walked around the senior citizen home where she found him sitting by the pool with another female resident-who was holding Howard's manhood!

Furious, Annabel yelled, "You two-timing creep! What does she have that I don't have?!"

Howard smiled happily and replied, "Parkinson's."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 14 June 2010
  • Currently 6.26/10

Rating: 6.3/10 (47)

Nasty women?

Why do only 10 percent of men make it to heaven?

Because if they all went, it would be called hell.

How are husbands like lawn mowers?

They're hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don't work.

How can you tell when a man is well hung?

When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.

How do you get a man to stop biting his nails?

Make him wear shoes.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

One. He just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.

How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Three. One to screw in the bulb and two to listen to him brag about the screwing part.

How many men does it take to tile a bathroom?

Two - if you slice them very thinly.

Why can't men get mad cow disease?

Because they are pigs.

What do you call a handcuffed man?

Trustworthy.

What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name?

You didn't hold the pillow down long enough.

How does a man show he's planning for the future?

He buys an extra case of beer.

What do you call the useless piece of skin on a penis?

The man.

Why do men have a hole in their penis?

So their brains can get some oxygen now and then.

Why do men name their penises?

Because they don't like the idea of having a stranger make 90 percent of their decisions.

Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg?

Because not one will stop and ask for directions.

What makes a man think about a dinner by candlelight?

A power failure.

What should you give a man who has everything?

A woman to show him how to work it.

What has eight arms and an IQ of 60?

Four guys watching a football game.

What's the best way to force a man to do sit?ups?

Put the remote control between his toes.

What's a man's idea of honesty in a relationship?

Telling you his real name.

What's the difference between Big Foot and intelligent man?

Big Foot has been spotted several times.

Why did God create man before woman?

He didn't want any advice.

Why did God create man before woman?

Because you need a rough draft before creating your masterpiece.

Why do doctors slap babies' bums right after they're born?

To knock the penises off the smart ones.

Why do little boys whine?

Because they're practicing to be men.

#joke #doctor #beer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 02 July 2016
  • Currently 5.40/10

Rating: 5.4/10 (5)

Q: Why did the T-rex go to the...

Q: Why did the T-rex go to the doctor?
A: Because he had a Dino-sore!
#joke #short #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 April 2015
  • Currently 5.33/10

Rating: 5.3/10 (3)

A Depressed Blonde Guy Walks Into A Bar

A Blonde Guy walks into a bar very down on himself. As he walks up to the bar the bartender asks, "what's the matter?"

The Blonde Guy replies, "well I've got these two horses (sniff, sniff), and well… I can't tell them apart. I don't know if I'm mixing up riding times or even feeding them the right foods."

The bartender, feeling sorry for the guy, tries to think of something he can do.

"Why don't you try shaving the tail of one of the horses?"

The man stops crying and says, "that sounds like a good idea, I think I'll try it."

A few months later he comes back to the bar in worse condition than he was before.

"What's the matter now?" the bartender asks.

The Blonde Guy, in no condition to be in public, answers, "I shaved the tail of one of the horses (sob, sob), but it grew back and I can't tell them apart again!"

The bartender, now just wanting him to shut up or leave says, "why don't you try shaving the mane, maybe that will not grow back."

He stops crying, has a few drinks, and leaves.

A few months later the guy is back in the bar.

The bartender has never seen anybody in this sorry of a state.

Without the bartender even asking the fellow breaks into his problems. "I.. I shaved the (sob) mane of one of the (sniff) horses, and… it… it… grew back!"

The bartender, now furious at the guy's general stupidity, yells, "for crying out loud, just measure the stupid horses. Perhaps one is slightly taller than the other one!"

The guy cannot believe what the bartender has said and storms out of the bar.

The next day the Blonde Guy comes running back into the bar as if he had just won the lottery.

"It worked, it worked!" he exclaims.

"I measured the horses and the black one is two inches taller than the white one!"

#joke #blonde #walksintoabar
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 15 June 2018
  • Currently 6.22/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (18)

What if...

Tom is applying for a job as a signalman for the local railroad and is told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector decides to give Tom a pop quiz, asking: "What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading towards each other on the same track?"

Tom says: "I would switch one train to another track."

"What if the lever broke?" asks the inspector.

"Then I'd run down to the tracks and use the manual lever down there," answers Tom.

"What if that had been struck by lightning?" challenges the inspector.

"Then," Tom continued, "I'd run back up here and use the phone to call the next signal box."

"What if the phone was busy?"

"In that case," Tom argued, "I'd run to the street level and use the public phone near the station."

"What if that had been vandalized?"

"Oh well," said Tom, "in that case I would run into town and get my Uncle Leo.

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked "Why would you do that?"

"Because he's never seen a train crash."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 22 May 2017
  • Currently 9.23/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (30)

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