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Jokes of the day for Tuesday, 05 July 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Tuesday, 05 July 2022

If you laid out all the painki

If you laid out all the painkillers in one big field, it would take up many achers of space.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 4.14/10

Rating: 4.1/10 (7)

A man walked into a bar on a s

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.
He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"
But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."
The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."
The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."
#joke
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 8.56/10

Rating: 8.6/10 (16)

SLIDESHOW #126 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Friends with an Undertaker

An undertaker can be one of your best friends...
He'll be the last one to let you down.

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 10 May 2019
  • Currently 6.58/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (12)

Moth inspector

A man walks in his room after work and is suprised to find his wife lying naked on the bed. After careful examination he spies a pair of bare feet sticking out from underneath the curtains. He rips open the blinds to find a naked man standing there.

'Who the hell are you?' he yells.

The naked guy replies 'I'm the moth inspector'

'Oh yeah! what are you doing naked?'

He looks down and exclaims 'Oh my god! I'm too late!'

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 23 July 2016
  • Currently 5.05/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (21)

Stopped By The Police

John and Jessica were on their way home from the bar one night and John got pulled over by the police. The officer told John that he was stopped because his tail light was burned out. John said, "I'm very sorry officer, I didn't realize it was out, I'll get it fixed right away."
Just then Jessica said, "I knew this would happen when I told you two days ago to get that light fixed."
So the officer asked for John's license and after looking at it said, "Sir your license has expired."
And again John apologized and mentioned that he didn't realize that it had expired and would take care of it first thing in the morning.
Jessica said, "I told you a week ago that the state sent you a letter telling you that your license had expired."
Well by this time, John is a bit upset with his wife contradicting him in front of the officer, and he said in a rather loud voice, "Jessica, shut your mouth!"
The officer then leaned over toward Jessica and asked. "Does your husband always talk to you like that?"
Jessica replied, "only when he's drunk."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 31 March 2015
  • Currently 8.13/10

Rating: 8.1/10 (46)

Kevin Hart: When You Lost a Fight to Your Woman

One time, she got me so mad, we got into a fist fight. You know how you know when you lost a fight to your woman? When the cops come to your house and ask you do you want to press charges. Thats how you know it didnt go as you planned.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 5.03/10

Rating: 5.0/10 (64)

Birth control pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth-control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 72 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "Simple. I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice every morning and I sleep better at night."

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 05 July 2015
  • Currently 8.69/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (52)

Chuck Norris has to use a stun...

Chuck Norris has to use a stunt double when he does crying scenes.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 3.08/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (51)

A secretary walked into her bo...

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got some bad news for you."
"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some good news for once."
"Alright, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not sterile."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 05 July 2019
  • Currently 8.38/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (42)

Answering Machine Message 208


(Gameshow-announcer voice:) Hello, and welcome to Phone Tag! (Cheers in background.) If you'd like to join the game, please leave your name and number at the beep, and we'll try to reach you when you're not around. And thanks once again for playing Phone Tag!

#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 05 July 2011
  • Currently 4.37/10

Rating: 4.4/10 (41)

Old Mrs. Pierpoint

Worried that they hadn't heard anything for days from the widow in the apartment next door, the mother said to her son, "Tony, would you go next door and see how old Mrs. Pierpoint is?"

A few minutes later, Tony returned.

"Well, is she all right?" asked the mother.

"She's fine, but she's rather annoyed with you," remarked Tony.

"At me?" the mother exclaimed. "Whatever for?"

Tony replied, "Mrs. Pierpoint said it's none of your business how old she is."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 16 February 2017
  • Currently 7.71/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (14)

One night, a man on his way...

One night, a man on his way home happened upon a drunk, down on his hands and knees searching for something under a street light. The man asked the drunk what he was looking for so diligently and the drunk said he had tripped and his Rolex wrist watch had broken loose from his wrist. The man, being a kindhearted soul, got down on his hands and knees and began assisting the drunk looking for his watch. After about ten minutes without any success, the man asked the drunk exactly where he tripped. "About a half a block up the street," the drunk said. "Why, pray tell," the man asked the drunk, "are you looking for your watch here if you lost it a half a block up the street?" The drunk replied, "The light is a lot better here."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 24 October 2009
  • Currently 6.72/10

Rating: 6.7/10 (54)

Reaching the end of a job inte...

Reaching the end of a job interview, the human resources person asked a young engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?" The engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package." The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5-weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, company matching retirement fund to 50% of salary, and a company car leased every 2 years - say, a red Corvette?"
The engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?" And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 30 April 2015
  • Currently 8.73/10

Rating: 8.7/10 (11)

The Playground

Little Johnny sees his Daddy's car passing the playground and going into the woods. Curious, he follows the car and sees Daddy and Aunt Jane kissing.
Johnny finds this so exciting and can barely contain himself as he runs home and starts to tell his mother excitedly.
"MOMMY, MOMMY, I WAS AT THE PLAYGROUND AND DADDY AND..."
Mommy tells him to slow down, but that she wants to hear the story.
So Johnny tells her. "I was at the playground and I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went to look and Daddy was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt, then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane laid down on the seat, then Daddy..."
At this point, Mommy cut him off and said, "Johnny, this is such an interesting story, suppose you save the rest of it for supper time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."
At the dinner table, Mommy asks Johnny to tell his story. He describes the car into the woods, the undressing, laying down on the seat, and, "then Daddy and Aunt Jane did that same thing Mommy and Uncle Jeff used to do when Daddy was in the Army."    

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 26 April 2015
  • Currently 7.89/10

Rating: 7.9/10 (62)

I get angry, i yell, i cry

I get angry, i yell, i cry, i speak my mind, i stand up for what i believe in and i'll never apologize for being me.
#joke #short
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 13 June 2015
  • Currently 7.67/10

Rating: 7.7/10 (6)

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