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Jokes of the day for Thursday, 14 July 2022

Funny jokes, funny photo and funny video collected from the internet on Thursday, 14 July 2022

Santa puns really slei

Santa puns really sleigh me.
#joke #short
Joke | Source: Pun Gents - Daily Jokes, One-liners, Groaners, Puns of the day :: Puns on Demand :: Punshine Girls and Boys!
  • Currently 1.67/10

Rating: 1.7/10 (6)

Useful Work Tips
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Useful Work Tips
Here are some incredibly useful phrases you can use when in the workplace:
If you don't know what it is, call it an 'issue'...
If you don't know how it works, call it a 'process'...
If you don't know whether its worth doing, call it an 'option'...
If you don't know how it could possibly be done call it a 'challenge' or an 'exciting opportunity'...
If you want to confuse people, ask them about 'customers'...
If you don't know how to do something, 'empower' someone else to do it for you...
If you can't take decisions, 'create space' for others to operate...
If you need a decision, call a 'workshop' to 'network' and 'ground
the issue', followed by an 'awayday' to 'position the elephant in the room' and achieve 'buy-in'...
Never criticize or boast, call it 'information sharing'...
Never call something a failure or mistake, its a 'positive learning experience'...
Never argue, have an 'adult conversation'...
Here are some helpful ways to get along at the workplace...
If you can't get your work done in the first 24 hours, work nights...
A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt...
Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted...
It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do...
After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before...
The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get...
You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and wear a lab coat...
Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you the rest of the day...
When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves...
If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a damn fool about it...
There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office...
Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back...
Everything can be filed under "pending."...
Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour...
To err is human, to forgive is not our policy...
Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing...
Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail...
If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it...
You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk...
People who go to conferences are the ones who shouldn't...
If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done...
At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying...
When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried...
Following the rules will not get the job done...
Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules...
When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"...
No matter how much you do, you never do enough...
The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong...
#joke #beer
Joke | Source: Smilezilla - Daily Jokes and Funny Stories
  • Currently 9.17/10

Rating: 9.2/10 (6)

SLIDESHOW #12 - Funny Photo Slideshow

Church Bulletin Bloopers: Prayers and Illnesses

Due to the rector's illness, Wednesday's healing services will be discontinued until further notice.Mrs. Johnson will be entering the hospital this week for testes. On a church bulletin during the minister's illness: God Is Good--Dr. Hargreaves is better. This Sunday morning following services we will have our monthly feelowship. Said during a congregational prayer when leading prayer for unsaved loved ones: “Father, we just want to pray for our unloved saved ones.”Lift up our Messianic brothers and sisters in Israel who are suffering during our prayer time. “I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me, even though he diets, yet shall be live.” On a church postcard: “I have received Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. I would like a personal call.”Church sign: “Jesus Saves!” Safeway sign across the street: “Safeway saves you more!” -
#joke
Joke | Source: Belief net - Joke of the day, features on religion, spirituality, faith
  • Currently 3.60/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (5)

Guilty As You

A red-faced judge convened court after a long lunch. The first case involved a man charged with drunk driving who claimed it simply wasn't true.
"I'm as sober as you are, your honor," the man claimed.
The judge replied, "Clerk, please enter a guilty plea. The defendant is sentenced to 30 days."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Friday, 26 June 2020
  • Currently 8.83/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (12)

Money From God

A little boy who wanted $100 very badly prayed and prayed for two weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write a letter to God requesting the $100.

When the postal authorities received the letter to "God, USA," they decided to send it to President Clinton. The president was so impressed, touched, and amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5 bill. Mr. Clinton thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.

The little boy was delighted with the $5, and immediately sat down to write a thank you note to God which read "Dear God, Thank you for sending me the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you had to send it through Washington D.C., and as usual, those bastards deducted $95."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 01 August 2016
  • Currently 6.15/10

Rating: 6.2/10 (13)

Weight Problem

A young woman was having a physical examination and was embarrassed because of a weight problem. As she removed her last bit of clothing, she blushed. "I'm so ashamed, Doctor," she said, "I guess I let myself go."
The physician was checking hers eyes and ears. "Don't feel ashamed, Miss. You don't look that bad."
"Do you really think so, Doctor?" she asked.

Weight On It

The doctor held a tongue depressor in front of her face and said, "Of course. Now just open your mouth and say moo."    

#joke #doctor
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Sunday, 12 April 2015
  • Currently 5.47/10

Rating: 5.5/10 (17)

On his birthday, Chuck Norris ...

On his birthday, Chuck Norris randomly selects one lucky child to be thrown into the sun.
#joke #short #chucknorris
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 July 2011
  • Currently 3.10/10

Rating: 3.1/10 (60)

How much?

A man meets a woman at a bar and asks her

"Would you have sex with me for 10 million dollars?"

Without skipping a beat she screams

"Yes!"

The man then asks

"What about for $20?"

She looks at him sideways and says

"What do you think I am, a whore?"

The man says

"We've already established that you are, now we're just negotiating."

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Saturday, 14 July 2012
  • Currently 6.54/10

Rating: 6.5/10 (50)

Southwest

A mother and her very young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy (who had been looking out the window) turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs, and big cats have baby cats, why don't big airplanes have baby airplanes?"
The mother (who couldn't think of an answer) told her son to ask the stewardess.
So the boy went down the aisle and asked the stewardess. The stewardess, who was very busy at the time, smiled and said, "Did your Mom tell you to ask me?"
The boy said, "yes she did."

"Well, then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby airplanes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Have your Mom explain that to you."  

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 July 2021
  • Currently 9.48/10

Rating: 9.5/10 (44)

i know him

A small town prosecuting barrister called his first witness to the stand in a trial - a attractive middle aged lady. He approached her and asked, "Ms. Jones, do you know me?"

She responded, "I do know you Mr. Leigh. I've known you since you were a young boy. And frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a rising big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you."

The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Williams, do you know the defence attorney?"

She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known Mr. Knowles since he was a youngster, too. I used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too, has been a real disappointment to me. He's lazy, bigoted, he has a drinking problem. The man can't build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."

At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom to silence and called both barristers to the bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with menace, "If either of you asks her if she knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"

#joke #lawyer
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Thursday, 14 July 2011
  • Currently 6.64/10

Rating: 6.6/10 (44)

Microsoft Support

A helicopter was flying around above Seattle yesterday when an electrical malfunction disabled all of the aircraft's electronic navigation and communication equipment. Due to the clouds and haze the pilot could not determine his position or course to steer to the airport. The pilot saw a tall building, flew toward it, circled, drew a handwritten sign and held it in the helicopter's window. T he sign said "WHERE AM I?"

in large letters.

People in the tall building quickly responded to the aircraft, drew a large sign and held it in a building window. Their sign said, "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER.'

The pilot smiled, waved, looked at his map and determined the course to steer to SEATAC (Seattle/Tacoma) airport and landed safely.

After they were on the ground, the co-pilot asked the pilot how the "YOU ARE IN A HELICOPTER" sign helped determine their position.

The pilot responded, "I knew that had to be the MICROSOFT building because they gave me a technically correct but completely useless reply.

#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Wednesday, 14 July 2010
  • Currently 6.00/10

Rating: 6.0/10 (38)

Jessi Klein: Backhanded Compliment

Guys have said to me, You know, Jessi, part of what makes you so pretty is you have no idea how pretty you are. And then theyre just like, Enjoy. And Im like, That is not nice. That is like, at best, thats like a backhanded compliment. And at worst, thats just like a forehanded insult because I know that what that sentence really means is, Part of what makes you so pretty is that your self-esteem is so low, its easier for me to f**k you.
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 02 August 2011
  • Currently 3.58/10

Rating: 3.6/10 (45)

One day in philosophy class th...

One day in philosophy class they spent a great deal of time debating whether the glass was half full or half empty. After the class, one student was feeling pretty good about himself and what he was learning at university, so when he went home he tried to continue the discussion with his family.
With maximum drama, he took a 12 ounce glass from the cupboard and poured in 6 ounces of water. Then took it into the dining room and placed it in the middle of the table. He proudly asked his family, "can anyone tell me whether this glass is half full or half empty?"
Without missing a beat, his grandmother replied, "Depends if you're drinking or pouring."
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 27 February 2017
  • Currently 8.25/10

Rating: 8.3/10 (8)

A guy found a penguin and show...

A guy found a penguin and showed him to a policeman.
The policeman said, "Take that penguin to the zoo, now."
Next day the policeman sees the man with the penguin again.
The policeman stops the guy and says, I told you yesterday to take the penguin to the Zoo, what on earth are you doing with the penguin in your truck again?"
The guy says, "What is there to do? Yesterday I took him to the zoo and today I'm taking him to the movies."
#joke #policeman
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Tuesday, 30 December 2014
  • Currently 8.44/10

Rating: 8.4/10 (9)

A new manager spends a week at...

A new manager spends a week at his new office with the manager he is replacing. On the last day the departing manager tells him, "I have left three numbered envelopes in the desk drawer. Open an envelope if you encounter a crisis you can't solve."
Three months down the track there is major drama, everything goes wrong - the usual stuff - and the manager feels very threatened by it all.
He remembers the parting words of his predecessor and opens the first envelope. The message inside says "Blame your predecessor!" He does this and gets off the hook.
About half a year later, the company is experiencing a dip in sales, combined with serious product problems. The manager quickly opens the second envelope. The message read, "Reorganize!" This he does, and the company quickly rebounds.
Three months later, at his next crisis, he opens the third envelope. The message inside says "Prepare three envelopes"
#joke
Joke | Old joke from joke of the day archives - Check out other old jokes Monday, 13 July 2015
  • Currently 8.75/10

Rating: 8.8/10 (4)

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